Nyx II
by T.M.K.06
Summary: House gets back to his dream conversations with Nyx. Commenting on aired episodes starting from 7X07. Supernaturalish but not really supernatural. Back for S8. Now complete. Over and out
1. Back again

_This is a sequel to Nyx. I could have just gone on adding chapters to the original story, but since it's been a while since I updated that story, I decided to start anew. The chapters are more or less just comments on the episodes starting with 7x07. And in case you don't know Nyx, she is Night and House meets with her in his dreams. The location is usually the Garden of Death – Death being Nyx' daughter._

**Back again**

"What are you doing here?" Nyx demanded as she found House sitting in her daughter's garden again.

"Smelling the roses," House replied dryly. "Other than that, not quite sure."

"I thought you had left darkness behind you," Nyx wondered. "When you got together with Lisa."

"Darkness is never that far from me, as you well know," House shrugged. "But I did think that I was at least facing light. Apparently the light I saw was just an oncoming train."

"You mean her reaction to your lie?" Nyx queried.

"I can't say that I'm even that surprised," House nodded. "I did expect this to happen. I told her that this would happen."

"But all she wants is an apology," Nyx pointed out. "She isn't showing you the door exactly."

"But I didn't do anything wrong," House insisted. "I didn't lie to her about anything personal and surely she has learned by now that when it comes to the patient I will lie, cheat, steal and do anything else necessary to save them."

"Apparently she had forgotten," Nyx mused. "Or then she just believed that you wouldn't lie to her anymore; that now that you are closer you would find some other way to convince her."

"And when the patient doesn't have time for any other way?" House asked.

"Then you do what you must and then apologize," Nyx replied nonchalantly. "In fact, I don't understand why you don't just apologize now and get it over with."

"Sure, that would remedy all," House scoffed. "First I lie to her as her employee and then I lie to her as her boyfriend. And two lies make a right. Sorry, I don't lie to her about personal things."

"It's an apology, not a lie," Nyx explained patiently.

"When I don't agree with her that I did anything wrong, then it is a lie," House stated. "It's a false apology that I would give her just to get back to her good graces. Yes, she is hurt and I'm sorry that she is hurt, but I'm not sorry I lied. It saved the patient and I would do it again. In fact I will do it again and where will we be then? She will feel doubly betrayed because by apologizing now I would give her the impression that I won't do it again."

"Amazing," Nyx smiled ruefully. "You even have an honour code for lies. And you have caught yourself in a bit of a bind. How do you think you'll get out of it? You won't convince her that she is wrong."

"If I can't get her to at least agree to disagree, then we're done," House sighed. "I will lie to her again about the professional. There is no getting away from that. So if she can't live with it when I do; if she can't accept that when I do lie to her I do it because I judge it to be necessary, then we have no future."

"You'll need one heck of an argument to get her to accept that your point of view has any merit at all," Nyx reminded him.

"I need to try," House shrugged. "I'm not willing to throw in the towel as yet."

"That's good to know," Nyx said. "But are you sure you do need to lie. Masters has been doing rather well with her 'honesty is the best policy' approach."

"So far," House admitted. "Though she didn't do that well with our previous patient. He refused the better treatment against her advice because she told him it was dangerous."

"But it didn't matter in the end because, first of all, you gave him the treatment you wanted anyway, and secondly neither treatment was right anyway, as the illness turned out to be something else," Nyx recapped. "But she did well with Dr Brody."

"True," House accepted. "Apparently she can relate to professional pride."

"Maybe you ought to send her to Cuddy when you want permission for a procedure?" Nyx suggested. "As Masters can't tell a lie, Cuddy would have to trust the message."

"Unless I had lied to Masters, too," House pointed out. "Using go-betweens won't guarantee honesty. I could try it, though, just to prove a point."

"And what point would that be?" Nyx asked.

"That Masters can ask for any fool procedure I want and get permission because Cuddy wants to teach me a lesson about not lying," House shrugged.

"That would probably not go down too well," Nyx suspected.

"With me or with Cuddy once she found out that I had sent Masters on a fool's errand?" House clarified.

"Probably Cuddy if she thinks you were trying to make her the fool," Nyx admitted.

"Yeah, better not try that," House sighed. "She already thinks I've tried to put her in that role. That is why I'm in the doghouse right now."

"She trusted you," Nyx affirmed. "She does feel like you deliberately made a fool of her."

"And I'm sorry that she feels that way," House groaned. "But she shouldn't have trusted me. She knows I've lied to her over and over again for my patients."

"But that was when she was just your boss," Nyx insisted. "You did agree on brutal honesty."

"So maybe I'm the fool," House proposed ruefully. "I trusted her to mean it when she said she didn't want me to change."

"Wanting you to change some of your behaviours isn't same as wanting you to change as a person," Nyx reminded him.

"My patients have always gone ahead of everything else," House explained. "For Cuddy to expect me to start thinking of consequences to myself or my relationship with her or anything other than my patient, is expecting me to change as a person. I don't lie to my boss if I can see some other way to get what I want. And I don't lie to my girlfriend. Which means that I can't tell my girlfriend that I'm sorry that I lied to my boss or that I won't do it again."

"Look," Nyx sighed with resignation. "This is a new situation for her too. She needs time to figure out how to adjust."

"Or to figure out that she can't," House grunted. "As I predicted."

"So you're throwing in the towel after all?" Nyx was surprised.

"No. I won't do that," House insisted. "But I will brace myself for the eventuality when she will. But right now I need to find a way to get her to understand my side of this."

"Good luck with that," Nyx scoffed. "She took you by your word when you agreed that you won't lie to each other."

"I didn't mean it as an absolute contract," House rolled his eyes. "It's not like she won't lie to me about things! Only her lies will be personal. And she will call them 'white lies' and she won't even give them a second thought."

"So you think that she wants absolute honesty from you – who have never been absolutely honest," Nyx recounted. "But reserves the right to decide which ones of her lies are insignificant enough no to count as breach of contract?"

"Well she knows I don't expect total honesty," House pointed out. "And most of her lies are pretty insignificant."

"But it's still a double standard," Nyx asserted. "If you are expected to be totally honest then she needs to be too. Or then you need to renegotiate the deal."

"I'd need to catch her on a lie first," House pondered. "And though I usually do know when she lies, I probably won't care about the lie enough to take her up on it. As I said, hers are 'white lies' and she will not accept that there is any similarity between them and my lie."

"Well it was just a suggestion," Nyx shrugged. "So, what are you going to do?"

"I don't know," House sighed. "I'll probably try to make nice and hope she will accept that I see this differently and once it becomes apparent that she won't I'll fold, apologize and wait for the axe to fall the next time I'll lie to her."

"That's not a very good plan," Nyx mourned.

"It's the best I have," House said. "If you have anything better in mind, feel free to share."

"Sorry, no," Nyx noted. "I've been around a long time and I can't really get too upset about lies. They have been around as long as gods and man. You expect them, you tell them and you deal with them. And you hope nobody gets too hurt – mentally, emotionally or physically. We've both dealt with lies from the beginning. Your whole childhood was a lie and when you told the truth you got punished. It does affect your view of lies – and of life."

"Yeah," House accepted. "But though everybody lies…."

"Except – apparently – Masters," Nyx interrupted.

"Even she tells social lies," House reminded Nyx. "But as I was saying though everybody lies, not everybody agrees on what lies matter and what not. And that's where we need to find common ground, me and Cuddy."

"Now that is a puzzle for you to solve," Nyx laughed.

"Tell me about it," House groaned.

"Well, I suppose I better leave you to ponder on it," Nyx smiled. "Good luck."


	2. Who knew?

_Thank you for any reviews you feel like posting! It's nice to know what people think. As the hiatus is now here, I will probably be dealing with my withdrawal symptoms by posting a couple of chapters. And I will go on commenting on the episodes in this form once they start again in January._

**Who knew!**

"So you folded," Nyx observed as a greeting when House walked into the gazebo.

"As expected," House shrugged.

"Actually not so much," Nyx disagreed. "Folding is not something you usually do. You're much more likely to even cut off your nose to spite your face when you don't feel that you've done something wrong."

"You're thinking of Vogler and Tritter?" House assumed.

"As the biggest examples, yes," Nyx nodded. "Though there are plenty of minor ones as well."

"I never wanted to see any of those naked," House reminded her.

"But even so," Nyx concluded. "You usually prefer being right to being… well… not-alone."

"Maybe I have changed," House remarked snidely.

"Or maybe you just want to," Nyx suggested. "For real."

"Sure," House scorned. "It's so unlike me to lie to Cuddy."

"So what if it was a lie," Nyx shrugged. "You still apologized. And promised not to lie again."

"While I lied," House emphasised.

"And spoke truly as well," Nyx countered.

"And what part of my speech did you believe?" House wondered.

"The part where you said it's about time to take a leap of faith and never lie to her again," Nyx stated.

"First of all, you left something out. And second of all, even Cuddy didn't believe that I would never lie to her again," House laughed.

"I know," Nyx agreed. "But she believed your apology."

"Well, it was half-meant," House sighed. "I had hurt her, after all."

"But you didn't believe she ought to be hurt?" Nyx questioned.

"I don't mean that I hurt her with my lie," House explained. "I hurt her when I tried to catch her in a lie. I should not have thrown her marriage at her like that. Nor should I have tried to trick her into my way of thinking. Just because I disagreed with her about the issue… I was trying to change her. If I don't want her to change me, then I can't try to trick her into changing either."

"Surprisingly mature of you," Nyx wondered. "Especially as you spent most of your time with this last patient trying to change him."

"He was being an idiot," House claimed. "His belief in a fictional entity was killing him when I could have helped!"

"So you would have been ok with his God had he claimed that this God had sent you to heal him any which way you can?" Nyx queried.

"I would still have called him an idiot, but only behind his back," House shrugged. "I don't really care what they believe in as long as it doesn't interfere with my work. Though I will definitely point out their idiocy if possible."

"But if you're so against the idea of a god, then why are you dreaming of me?" Nyx asked.

"You're a delusion in a dream," House huffed. "A convenient figment of my imagination."

"Ouch," Nyx pretended to be hurt. "You could have left out the 'delusion' part. Words do hurt you know."

"Everything hurts," House snorted. "You believe in god, you get hurt. You don't believe in god, and you still get hurt. Lies hurt, the truth hurts. Everything hurts."

"So what can you do?" Nyx frowned.

"You figure out what it is that you can live with," House concluded. "The right ratio of lies and truths and faith."

"Faith?" Nyx couldn't believe her ears.

"Not in god," House scorned. "Unless you're an idiot. But faith in something. Yourself, your partner, your work, science, whatever. Something that you need to be true to."

"And you need to be true to Cuddy?" Nyx asked.

"I need to be true to myself," House corrected. "And as much to Cuddy as I can without losing myself."

"And therefore you won't lie to her again?" Nyx didn't sound quite as sure as she had been originally when she first stated that she believed House would not lie to Cuddy again.

"I will have to work around her," House affirmed. "She was ok with me forging her signature as long as I didn't deny it. I will just have to deal with her much the way I deal with Masters: do first, tell the truth after."

"But you do lie to Masters," Nyx pointed out.

"Yeah, that is a problem," House agreed. "But Masters is there all the time. Hiding things from her without lies is more difficult. With Cuddy, I just need to make sure that she won't be there to question my actions at the wrong time."

"But what about when you need her permission for a procedure?" Nyx wanted to know.

"I have to figure that one out when I get to that," House sighed. "I hope I'll figure out in time, but if it not, then my patient will take precedence."

"And you'll be screwed with Cuddy," Nyx concluded.

"More than likely," House accepted. "Which is why I will try to avoid that."

"You think you'll end up like Wilson and Sam?" Nyx asked.

"We may split, but it won't be like Wilson and Sam," House decided. "Even when we were at odds over my lie, Cuddy wasn't quitting. She may give up on me eventually, but only when she has exhausted all other options. This won't be easy for either of us, but she isn't a quitter."

"Are you?" Nyx demanded.

"No," House said. "And yes. I don't trust relationships and I may end up quitting before I'm quitted on. But I will try not to."

"Thus the leap of faith?" Nyx assumed.

"Yeah," House nodded. "She's worth it."

"So far," Nyx amended. "If you need to modify only your behaviour, she is definitely worth it. But if you need to start changing yourself, then it's not going to work. You do know it."

"I can't be true to anyone if I can't be true to me," House mused. "Or words to that effect in one song or another, I'm sure. She is worth a lot, though. She is pretty amazing and she has always been there for me, even when I was pretty horrible to her."

"She has been pretty horrible to you, too, on occasion," Nyx pointed out. "Like when she told you that she was marrying Lucas and you two were over. Or in fact there had never been any two of you."

"She was trying to move on," House stated. "You do what you have to when you do that. But she came to me when I needed her."

"Wilson could have saved you just as well," Nyx suggested.

"I don't want to see him naked," House denied.

"I didn't mean that," Nyx asserted. "I just meant that he, too, could have come to you to show that you were not alone."

"Maybe," House accepted. "But he was with Sam."

"But he knew Sam was not going to last," Nyx reminded him.

"He was still refusing to see that," House defended his friend. "Sam was still fresh. And I know Wilson will always be there, as a friend. But friendship goes only so far. If I'm going to change my life, chance happiness and maybe risk my whole world view of life as a 'valley of tears' where you do your best to find the level of misery you can live with I need more than friendship. I need Cuddy."

"But what if she isn't enough?" Nyx wanted to know.

"She isn't," House affirmed. "But she is one hell of a motivation. And that goes a long way."

"As long as you know that any miracles you need, you need to perform yourself," Nyx smiled.

"I know," House nodded. "I do know."


	3. Mastering dreams

**Mastering dreams**

"So you find him difficult to work with?" Martha heard a voice near her. She spun around wondering what was going on. She was sure she had fallen asleep! And surely she had as she couldn't possibly have travelled here for real. She was sure she was on a beach somewhere in the Greek islands but couldn't say for sure where. Not that it really mattered. She searched with her eyes and found a very handsome man standing near her. She was sure he was handsome – the sort of Greek God kind of handsome – though it was a bit difficult to see him in the shadows. She was sure that had he not wanted to be seen, she wouldn't have seen him. He looked Greek – dark hair and eyes, olive skin – but he also looked strangely ageless and raceless.

"Who do I find difficult to work with?" Martha asked cautiously.

"You boss, of course," the man laughed. "House. Who else? Or do you work for someone else that I don't know about? And I have to warn you that I do know about everything."

"Who are you," Martha wanted to know. "Dreams are usually based on things we have seen or read about during the day, or things that for some reason have been brought to mind by something during the day, and therefore we usually know what is going on and who it is we meet in the dreams. At least while we are in the dream. Why don't I know who you are?"

"Maybe that is part of your dream," the man suggested. "Uncertainty. After all, House has just got you to doubt yourself and your values."

"So you're a manifestation of my uncertainty?" Martha deduced. "Because I suddenly feel unsure, and maybe like I'm an outsider, an alien, in a world that everybody else is familiar with my subconscious creates you in my dream to help me figure out how to deal with it."

"Very good," the man approved. "If that is what is happening. After all, we don't really know what dreams are. Some say they are messages from gods."

"You're trying to tell me you're God?" Martha frowned. "I don't believe in God."

"But that doesn't prove that God – or gods – don't exist," he pointed out.

"Who are you?" Martha demanded.

"Erebus," he answered simply.

"The god of shadows," Martha mused. "Son of Chaos, husband, – and brother – of Nyx, the Night. I can't understand why I would imagine you."

"If I am a manifestation of your subconscious," Erebus proposed. "Then surely I am a very logical choice. You are a very black and white person, and shades of grey – the shadows of life – are a little explored territory for you. Yet with House you struggle with grey all the time. Nothing seems clear with him. He bends the rules any which way he wants, he hides things from the patient, from his team, from his boss. He lies, he breaks the law he seems to have no morals or ethics, in short he is Chaos personified and yet, he is compelling and brilliant and he saves lives."

"You can save lives without lies," Martha insisted.

"Without lies, your last patient would be dead," Erebus reminded her. "That is, after all, your current dilemma. How can you work as a doctor if you cannot tell the truth. Sure, you have on occasion withheld some parts of the truth, and you have found ways to use truth to manipulate people, but all in all you take the concept of 'informed consent' quite seriously."

"People do have the right to know," Martha stated. "I just need to learn to present the choices in a way that they will choose the option that is more likely to cure them."

"And how much time do you think you have with each patient to do that?" Erebus wondered.

"What do you mean?" Martha asked.

"It has taken you three years to know the medical procedures you know," Erebus explained. "There are new procedures and experimental cures being developed right now and nobody knows all the risks and benefits that they have. How long do you think it would take for you to get someone who has no medical degree – maybe no education at all – to understand enough of the medicine so that you can say that they have really been informed and know all the possible risks and benefits and are capable of making an informed choice? Is it even possible?"

"I'm a doctor," Martha insisted. "I have to figure out how to explain things to my patients clearly enough. They don't need to know every little detail, just the important facts."

"And are you sure you know what the important facts are for them?" Erebus asked. "Had Chase not told you that the cure came from embryonic stem cells, you would not have known and had the man not been crucifying himself you might not have found out about his strong beliefs and then you would have got him to consent to the treatment but it would not have been an informed consent."

"Surely he would have asked me about the treatment," Martha maintained. "And then all those things would have come to light."

"And then you would have still needed to lie to him to save his life," Erebus asserted. "He was dying in a couple of days, so how do you think you would have changed his mind in time without a lie?"

"I don't know," Martha worried. "But surely I would have found a way."

"House found a way," Erebus pointed out. "And the patient was ok with it in the end."

"House got lucky," Martha stated. "Doctors have been sued for less."

"So has House," Erebus reminded her. "He doesn't care as long as the patient lives."

"The other patient did say medicine is like politics," Martha muttered. "Only results matter."

"You didn't believe him either," Erebus observed.

"I do believe that the way things are done affect the results," Martha explained. "The end does not justify the means. Especially not in politics. People don't want to govern, they want power."

"And power corrupts," Erebus agreed. "But do you have a better system in mind? Either for government or medicine?"

"Medicine isn't about power," Martha exclaimed.

"No?" Erebus asked. "You hold life and death in your hands, at least a little bit. That is power if anything."

"But I don't decide who lives or dies," Martha insisted. "I just do my best for every patient and try to save them no matter what. I don't want to lie to do that."

"But sometimes lies are the most efficient way to do it," Erebus repeated.

"I don't know how to work like that," Martha cried!

"Well, you don't need to worry your conscience too much about your latest patient," Erebus told her.

"Why not?" Martha didn't understand the statement. "We lied to him and forced him to accept a treatment that was against his faith. Even if I do think he was being stupid."

"Don't you think he accepted the lie rather easily?" Erebus pointed out. "I mean, even if what House told him about the micro-cancer had been true, God had still kept the deal."

"The man promised to crucify himself every year if God cured his daughter's cancer," Martha asserted. "How would you say the deal was kept if the cancer was still there? And I can't believe I'm arguing about what deals God has or has not kept when I don't even believe in him."

"Hypothetically speaking, then," Erebus conceded. "if there were a god, the man had not made a deal about the cancer, he had made a deal about his daughter's life. He had promised to nail himself to the cross every year his daughter was alive, not every year she was cancer-free."

"And as the daughter was alive, the hypothetical deal was kept," Martha realized!

"So for him to fold that easily," Erebus went on. "He had to have already figured out that his deal was silly. If there is a god you can't influence him with deals like that. The whole point of a redeemer is that you don't have to crucify yourself; it's been done for you. And if his deal was so pleasing to his god, how come he lost everything because of what he did? Trust me, he had already figured – at least subconsciously - that he needed to find a way out. And his illness and House just came up most conveniently."

"As there is no god," Martha repeated. "This whole conversation is silly as was his deal."

"Ok, insulted though I am," Erebus sighed. "I'll accept your position, but if you are insisting on telling people all they need to know about treatments and cures you need to accept that for some people God does exist and he is real. Even if you can't understand the realness."

"House doesn't accept anything other people believe unless there is proof," Martha muttered.

"But he has no problem with lies," Erebus pointed out. "You do."

"But I also have a problem with letting patients die," Martha mourned.


	4. Master ideas

**Master**** ideas**

"_But I also have a problem with letting patients die," Martha mourned._

"Well, you probably just need to learn to lie!" Erebus suggested.

"Easier said than done," Martha pointed out. "I don't think lies come easily to me no matter what I do."

"What is so wrong with lies?" Erebus wanted to know. "Lies saved your last patient!"

"I didn't know it at the time," Martha said. "And I have no way of knowing when truth won't serve better. Just because this time things turned out fine, doesn't mean that it was ok. Means do matter. People do have the right to be informed and not to be lied to."

"He once had a patient who refused to lie to her daughter," Erebus pondered. "He called it child abuse."

"How would that be child abuse?" Martha didn't understand the idea even.

"Actually, personally I didn't think that was child abuse," Erebus agreed. "The problem really was that she never refused to answer any of her daughter's questions. And surely you know that children have no way of knowing what answers are age appropriate."

"I'm not sure I get what you mean," Martha was still a bit lost.

"Think: how old were you when you first wondered about what your parents were doing in their bedroom at night?" Erebus suggested. "And would you really have wanted a detailed, honest answer to your question?"

"Eww!" Martha's reaction was instant. "I get what you mean. There is such a thing as too much honesty. But that's not same as telling lies. You can refuse to answer. My parents did! Or actually they told me that they would tell me when I was old enough."

"Did they?" Erebus wanted to know.

"Not in detail," Martha was quick to assure him. "But I got the point. When I was old enough."

"But they have never lied to you?" Erebus asked.

"Not to my knowledge," Martha stated.

"Aha!" Erebus reacted. "So you accept the possibility that they might have lied, you just don't know it."

"I'm sure my parents have never lied to me," Martha insisted. "But, yes, the possibility does exist. I mean, I do trust them, but then I trusted House, too. Not that he is anything like my parents. Or that I really had any reason to trust him. I just did."

"Because you're used to trusting," Erebus concluded. "Maybe Dr Cuddy was wiser than at first appeared when she assigned you to House. Even if you don't learn to lie yourself, surely you at least need to learn how not to trust."

"There aren't that many people like House," Martha pointed out.

"True," Erebus agreed. "He usually does let you know when he has lied to you. And though he will steal your food, he will not steal your work. Mainly, though, because he can't be bothered as he thinks most of it would not be to his credit anyway. And also because his experience with stealing intellectual property hasn't been that good."

"What do you mean?" Martha frowned puzzled.

"He got kicked out of medical schools for cheating," Erebus explained. "Yes, the rumours you have heard are true. He copied answers from someone else, got busted and then expelled."

"I never gave any credence to those rumours," Martha denied.

"Sure you did," Erebus countered. "You just couldn't understand how he could still end up as the most respected diagnostician in the country if not the world."

"He must have mended his ways," Martha tried feebly.

"Does it really look like he has?" Erebus raised an eyebrow at Martha.

"I… I haven't known him long enough," Martha evaded.

"Yes you have," Erebus stated. "The reason he is still respected is because he saves lives. The proof is in the pudding. No matter what his reputation may be as a human being, people have seen him perform medical miracles too often not to believe in him and his skills. As for his dishonesty, everybody of his peers lives in the same glass house and can't start throwing stones at him. Especially as he is sure to know more about them than they know about him."

"That's a terrible thing to say!" Martha protested.

"Really?" Erebus wasn't fazed. "Why did your parents agreed not to lie to each other or you?"

"Dad said that he had enough dishonesty at work," Martha muttered.

"Exactly," Erebus confirmed. "Come on, girl! Think for yourself. Unless you want to be a run of the mill doctor, you end up being in a competition for the rest of your life. Everyone is after the same tenures, the same grants, the same donations, the same money! Without money, you can't do anything. And the way to get money is to have more credibility than your competition. You cannot trust anyone completely, because their life may depend on sticking the knife into your back."

"That's a horrible way to look at things," Martha cried. "And I won't accept it."

"Boy! is there going to be a scramble to get you into research teams once you become a real doctor," Erebus shook his head at her.

"You lost me now," Martha frowned. "You think I'm good or bad?"

"I think you're very good," Erebus reassured her. "But you also have 'I'm gullible, steal my work' pretty much tattooed on your forehead."

"I do not!" Martha denied emphatically. "Besides, I'm still sure you're wrong. Nobody would steal other people's ideas! Sure you share and build on them; that's what science does. You can't do everything from the start yourself. But actually stealing original ideas and presenting them as your own, no way."

"Yep, gullible," Erebus confirmed. "You really need to spend some time with House so that he can open your eyes to the real world. Because he really isn't that different from everyone else you're going to meet in the course of your career."

"You mean he will steal my ideas?" Martha scoffed.

"Actually, no," Erebus stated. "He is exactly where he wants to be so he doesn't need to scramble for position and money anymore. Unless, of course, he thinks you'll benefit from the lesson. Then he may do it. But I don't think so."

"No," Martha stared at Erebus angrily. "You are definitely not from my subconscious. I would never think like you."

"Maybe I'm from your unconscious mind," Erebus ventured. "I may be a manifestation of all sorts of things that are boiling away in the darkness of your mind and you're just unaware of them. Even on a subconscious level."

"No," Martha was firm. "You are a stupid dream where things that I have heard about House just mix strangely with my worries over this last case and possibly my fears. But you are not, in any way, representing my real thoughts and feelings."

"But aren't your fears your real feelings," Erebus asked.

"Maybe," Martha had to concede. "But they are irrational."

"Aren't all feelings irrational," Erebus queried.

"Yes, but some are more irrational than others," Martha explained. "Some feelings are reasonable responses to what is going on."

"So if you're feeling paranoid," Erebus pondered. "It doesn't mean they're not out to get you."

"Exactly," Martha responded quickly. "I mean, not quite exactly, but sort of."

"What if they are out to get you," Erebus wanted to know, "but you reason away your paranoia because it just doesn't fit your idea of the world that they would **be** out to get you?"

"If they are out to get me, then they are," Martha stated. "But that does not mean I have to live my life in fear. In fact I'd rather see the world as a better place than it is, than fear for the worst every time I meet someone new – or old. I believe that the way you look at the world, the way you behave affects the outcome. If I trust someone, even someone untrustworthy, he or she may end up being trustworthy just because someone trusted them at last. I believe that the way I behave matters. If I'm dishonest, how can I expect anything but dishonesty from others? I can't lie! I just can't, because I don't want to be lied to myself. I try to be trustworthy, so I need to trust. It matters. It really matters how you get the results. Not just the results."

"Your last case would seem to refute that statement," Erebus pointed out.

"Maybe," Martha agreed. "But it was just one case. There needs to be a lot more cases like that if I'm to change my view of the world and my beliefs."

"You know," Erebus mused. "You have a lot more in common with that patient than you'd think. He, too, refused to let one incident to affect his belief in God. Sure, he changed his view of God and His wishes, but he still refused to let go of his beliefs."

"Didn't you just point out that he gave into House's lies rather easily," Martha muttered.

"He did," Erebus confirmed. "But once he found out that he had been lied to, he got right back to his original view of the world – with an adjustment. And I suspect that is what you're going to do as well. You will still refuse to lie and you will still keep on trying to make House tell the truth as well. You just won't change."

"Even though you're saying it like it was a bad thing," Martha insisted. "I still refuse to think that it is. Besides, even if I wanted to, I don't think I could change. I'm me. I can't be somebody else."

"And you just need to figure out how to be a doctor as yourself," Erebus observed.

"Exactly," Martha concluded. "There is no other choice."

"Not for you, I don't think," Erebus agreed. "This will be interesting, I'm sure."


	5. Sam ideas

**Sam ideas**

"So House was right and you did it again," Nyx sighed making Sam sit up in her bed and stare at her in incomprehension.

"What? Who? Where?" Sam didn't even know quite what her question was.

"You left out How and Why," Nyx observed. "Hi there, I'm Nyx and this is your dream. Or possibly your worst nightmare."

"You don't even know my worst nightmares," Sam muttered – sort of adjusting to the idea that she was still asleep and this was just one of the weird dreams she occasionally had after overeating. Though she did rather think she hadn't eaten anything this time.

"You'd be surprised," Nyx stated. "The one thing you fear most is facing yourself and that's what I'm here to do. Too bad you probably won't remember a thing about this when you wake up."

"Look, you can't just come into my dreams and start accusing me of whatever," Sam huffed. "I didn't ask you here and frankly, I don't see any reason why I ought to care a darn about your opinions so you can just keep them to yourself and stop attacking me."

"And you can stop thinking you can dictate to me - even in your dreams," Nyx snapped back. "I don't care about your opinions either, you see."

"Just leave me alone!" Sam yelled.

"Sorry, I'm not Wilson and therefore you can't just order me about," Nyx smirked. "And since this is your dream, you can't just walk out the way you like to do."

"I can wake up," Sam insisted.

"Go right ahead," Nyx invited and waited …. "Nope, not as easy to do at will as you expected, is it?"

"Fine, so how do I get rid of you?" Sam demanded.

"By waking up, naturally," Nyx laughed. "Until then you just have to endure. As I said you can't just walk out of this like you usually do."

"If you're talking about James," Sam said. "Then I have to point out that we were over and I saw no reason to make it more difficult."

"Yes, you do tend to want the easy way," Nyx agreed. "Regardless of what it does to others."

"I didn't mean it was easier just for me," Sam defended herself. "I didn't want to make it more difficult for either of us."

"How do you know what would have been 'more difficult' for Wilson?" Nyx asked. "Did you even know how he took your 'kindness' the last time you left him without any explanation? Or did you even care? Or was it more a case of him not living up to your expectations, and therefore deserving whatever treatment you chose to mete out?"

"I don't know what you mean," Sam refused the notion. "I just didn't see how it would have benefitted either of us to get into an ugly fight and say things we didn't mean. And I am talking about both times."

"Or possibly you just wanted out and couldn't come up with a good – or even credible reason, so you just walked out and left him to clean up the mess," Nyx suggested. "I can understand you doing that when you were both basically still kids, but this time you were supposed to be more mature."

"He didn't trust me!" Sam exclaimed. "How could I go on with someone who doesn't trust me? What kind of conversation could have changed that?"

"With that attitude, none," Nyx accepted. "Nothing's going to change you when all you want is for other people to accommodate your every whim. You didn't want to talk with him because you were pretty sure you wouldn't have liked anything he had to say. Yes, you are right, he didn't trust you. Why should he have when you were trying to deceive him?"

"I was not!" Sam cried. "I had done nothing wrong. He had no reason to doubt my work or my word."

"Oh come on!" Nyx scorned. "Did you really think he can't count? That he wouldn't do his own calculations? That he wouldn't figure it out?"

"I told him that I had done nothing wrong," Sam repeated. "I trust him, I just wanted him to show that he trusts me."

"You didn't trust him against your better judgement," Nyx reminded her. "He hasn't given you any reason not to trust him. But you expected him to take your word against clear evidence to the contrary. And the kicker is that he still was ok with you."

"He suspected me of a crime, for crying out loud," Sam wasn't done defending herself. "How could he do that if he loves me?"

"Euthanasia," Nyx shrugged. "Is that really such a crime when the alternative is still death but you just have to suffer more before it?"

"It's illegal!" Sam explained earnestly. "I would never do it."

"Have you really convinced yourself of that," Nyx wondered. "Or do you just think that I'm an idiot?"

"Why doesn't anyone believe me?" Sam acted offended.

"Because we are left with two choices," Nyx answered. "Either you are an idiot who can't count – in which case somebody needs to take your licence. Or then, you decided to be kind and give the patients once last chance that would either cure them or kill them faster. – Of course the latter option is assuming that you can be kind and were not just playing god."

"How about a third option: I didn't do anything wrong," Sam was getting angry.

"Idiot it is, then," Nyx concluded. "Mind you, I never believed in the kindness theory anyway."

"I. Did. Not. Do. Anything. Wrong!" Sam yelled. "What is so hard to understand in that?"

"The math does not support your theory," Nyx sneered. "So want to change your plea?"

"Fine," Sam bit out. "I did an experiment. They were going to die anyway. I got some valuable data and they got to die sooner after less pain."

"So you went for the 'I am god' –option," Nyx nodded. "Figures. What I can't figure out, though, is why you gave the files to Wilson. There is no way you really thought that he wouldn't see the discrepancy."

"I just wanted him to take my word for it," Sam shrugged.

"Either you wanted him to lie to you – and that after you had specifically told him that your relationship is based on honesty," Nyx derided. "Or then you were testing how blindly besotted he is with you."

"If I was testing that," Sam said. "Then I was disappointed."

"On the 'blindly' part, yes," Nyx agreed. "On the 'besotted' nope. That part ought have made you quite happy. He proposed, for crying out loud. What bigger proof did you need?"

"He should have trusted me," Sam kept repeating. "I didn't appreciate being accused of murder."

"No that wasn't it," Nyx shook her head. "What you didn't appreciate was things going differently from the way you had scripted them in your mind. Too bad you didn't give a copy of the script to Wilson, too."

"That's stupid," Sam asserted. "I don't write scripts in my head. And I did not dump James because he didn't follow some imaginary script. I expected him to support me, to believe in me."

"He did that," Nyx reminded her. "He supported you and believed IN you. He just didn't believe you. He was still besotted just not blind with it. Of course, it is possible that the problem was House."

"House is always a problem," Sam shrugged. "But why would he have been a particular problem with this?"

"Because on his own Wilson would have come to you to have an in-depth discussion about the discrepancies," Nyx mused. "But his explanation about you having done the patients a kindness had House written all over it. And you couldn't stand it that he didn't listen to you when you said you had done nothing wrong, but he did listen to House when he said the same thing – though he did mean it a bit differently. He wasn't all yours to mould, so you decided to leave him."

"That makes me sound some kind of control freak," Sam was offended.

"Yeah," Nyx nodded. "Borderline narcissist personality, I think. Not really unable to understand other people's feelings but unwilling to do so when it can hinder your own ambitions. In other words: incredibly selfish."

"I resent that," Sam stated. "You have no right to make that kind of snap judgements about me."

"Do I look like I care?" Nyx asked. "I told you from the start that your opinions are of no interest to me. I'm just here to make your dreams difficult."

"Well congratulations," Sam growled. "You are succeeding admirably."


	6. Traditions

**Tradition****s**

"You do know that they are still talking to each other," Nyx observed as she sat down on the couch next to House. "You are going to be busted."

"I know," House didn't sound too worried. "I'm perfectly fine with getting busted as long as I have got my 'own time'. I'm charged and ready."

"And of course you did drug Cuddy's Mon," Nyx pondered. "So you do have a lot of credit just now."

"There is that," House agreed. "Though she wasn't as happy about my drugging Wilson."

"I don't think she really minded that much," Nyx mused. "She just felt she had to protest as drugging people really is not the thing to do."

"I bet she has wanted to do it many times," House assumed.

"I'm sure she has," Nyx nodded. "But that is what impulse control is for: you want to do something but since you know it really is wrong you don't do it."

"Are you suggesting there is something wrong with my impulse control?" House wanted to know.

"No," Nyx denied. "Because the problem is not so much your impulse control as your ethics in general – which does rather bring us back to your lies. Why can't you just tell them what you need?"

"I did! Remember!" House pointed out.

"Only after you had already pissed them off with your deception," Nyx reminded him. "Had you been adult about it in the first place, you might have fared better. Though probably not on her birthday, I do have to admit that."

"But that would totally mess up our old tradition of communicating through lies," House exclaimed. "Can't mess with tradition."

"Your patient had a tradition of letting his family down and leaving his wife to cope with everything on her own while he pursued his futile dream," Nyx pondered. "Some traditions are meant to be broken. In fact, some traditions can't be broken soon enough. Or do you want to end up like Taub? I'm fairly sure it wasn't his cheating that hurt his wife most, but all the lies involved in it."

"I wouldn't lie to Cuddy about anything important," House muttered.

"I think you have already found out that things that aren't important to you, may well be very important to her," Nyx argued.

"Ok, maybe I was wrong," House conceded. "But even when I was doing it I had my doubts. I just dismissed them as silly since I assumed that she would get my point about the need to compartmentalize. Work is work and our relationship is separate issue. I told her I wouldn't lie to my girlfriend."

"Only you just did," Nyx stated.

"I repeat: not about anything important," House countered.

"How would you know?"Nyx asked. "Or do you just trust in dumb luck. And what about the times when you are fairly sure or even certain that you won't be found out? Will you reason that as long as she won't find out it won't hurt her?"

"That is a possibility," House mused. "But I think I would argue that she won't know that she has been hurt rather than that she hasn't been hurt."

"And that would make it ok?" Nyx wondered.

"Nope," House stated. "But I've never minded being a hypocrite as long as being one keeps** me **from getting hurt."

"Oh! Is that why you stopped hiding behind a sick man and went to confront Cuddy the Elder?" Nyx asked.

"I didn't know she had a train to catch," House said. "I thought she had all the time in the world."

"I think you would have faced her anyway," Nyx stated. "Once you got nerve up, that is."

"She is scary," House observed.

"Now you know how your team feels about you," Nyx laughed.

"I'm not like Major Cuddy!" House exclaimed.

"More than you'd think," Nyx insisted. "Though there are definite differences as well. But the main point is that you're both scary."

"Am not," House denied.

"No?" Nyx didn't sound convinced. "I thought you rather liked keeping your team on their toes and scared."

"Yeah, yeah," House shrugged. "Of course they need to fear me, but that's differend. That doesn't make me like Cuddy's Mom. No way."

"If you say so," Nyx decided to let it go. "As I said there are differences as well. I'm sure she would never think to drug anyone."

"Except possibly with boose," House pondered.

"Meaning?" Nyx asked.

"Well she did rather jump to the conclusion that she had drunk too much though she didn't even have a hang over," House stated. "That suggests to me that she either tends to drink too much – at least on occasion – or she is used to plying difficult people with alcohol."

"That is a possibility," Nyx realised. "But alcohol tends to be more acceptable than sedatives."

"Don't really know why," House claimed. "I don't see that much difference between them: both can be addictive and dangerous when misused."

"Rather like you," Nyx realized. "By the way, did I tell you that I found it rather endearing that you lost it with Cuddy's Mom when she was saying bad things to Cuddy and not you."

"She was being unfair and hurtful," House said. "Just because Cuddy likes sex doesn't mean she is in any way a slut."

"You have on occasion called her outfits slutty," Nyx promted him. "Maybe not in exactly those words but definitely the sentiment."

"She has a great body," House shrugged. "Why not flaunt is, especially when it gives her an advantage over a lot of the men she needs to deal with on daily basis. It's not like she doesn't don a lab coat when she needs to be a doctor. And it wasn't just that. Cuddy is good with Rachel. There is no need to criticize her mothering. Sure, Rachel may not be the smartest and quietest kid around, but she is clearly happy and healthy. It ain't broke, why try to push it into some old model that didn't work that well for the kid in the first place."

"What makes you think it didn't work that well with Cuddy?" Nyx wondered. "She turned out ok."

"Except her relationship with her mother isn't that good," House pointed out. "Cuddy senior complained that Cuddy doesn't tell her anything and Cuddy has told me that she regularly lies to her mother and has done so since she was 12. I'm not saying there isn't love, but it's not an easy relationship either."

"You could be right," Nyx agreed. "And throwing your siblings at you as better examples isn't going to remedy things either. It is possible that Arlene has an idea of what she thinks her daughters ought to be like and she just tries to push them into the mould willy nilly. That usually makes nobody happy."

"Don't I know," House sighed. "Sometimes you just need to be left alone."

"You sound like Greta Garbo," Nyx laughed. "_I want to be alone_, but really, don't you think it would be better if you just asked them and not trick them. Especially as you will be found out?"

"If they listened to me, yeah," House nodded. "But Cuddy already gives me plenty of space. The problem is that then Wilson wants that space and he won't accept any other excuse but Cuddy. So I tell Cuddy that I have promised to be with Wilson, and as I do that first I'm not actually telling a lie. THEN I go to Wilson and lie to him. I reckon that once I have done this a few times, they will figure out that I really mean it when I say that I need to be on my own just now and then. Then I may be able to tell them the truth. Besides, Wilson is due to get a crush on someone soon, if he stays true to his normal schedule, so the problem could be solved that way."

"And so the tradition goes on," Nyx sighed. "By the way, you really need to wake up and go to bed or your leg is going to kill you tomorrow."


	7. Little girls

**Little ****girls**

"Interesting, isn't she?" Nyx observed as she, once again, appeared in House's dream.

"I wouldn't have her in my team if she wasn't," House shrugged.

"I was talking about the other student you've been teaching," Nyx smiled. "Much smaller and with a much better grasp of the realities of life than Masters."

"Rachel?" House wondered. "I'm not sure if she is interesting. She is much smarter than I gave her credit for and I admire her ability to lie, but I'm not sure I would call her interesting."

"Ok, if that is what you think," Nyx accepted – if sceptically. "I find her interesting. But then I always find children interesting. They have no past that could tell you what their future will be like. They are mysteries in that way. It will be interesting to see who she will be."

"The kids may have no past," House stated. "But their parents do."

"But the kids rarely respond the way parents think they would," Nyx pointed out.

"Unless the parents control the environment where the child grows," House mused.

"You're thinking of Masters," Nyx decided. "Usually it is impossible to control it totally, and that's where the surprises come in."

"I doubt Masters has really surprised her parents," House scoffed. "Not once they got her IQ results, if even that was a surprise."

"Probably not," Nyx agreed. "But she is young yet. And now she is out in the real world."

"And the real world may well crush her," House sighed.

"She may be more resilient than you think," Nyx assumed. "Or even she herself thinks. People sometimes surprise themselves more than they surprise others. Though I don't think Rachel surprised herself; just you."

"How did we get back to Rachel?" House demanded.

"I just suspect you worry about her," Nyx shrugged. "You wanted her to get into a good pre-school."

"I didn't!" House exclaimed. "Cuddy did. And I just didn't want her to be disappointed because I wouldn't have known what to do to cheer her up."

"But you did know what to say to cheer her up," Nyx countered. "You told her that Rachel will be ok regardless of her preschool."

"Yeah, well, that was after I found out that she was smarter than I had assumed," House mumbled. "I still don't think she is what that school would consider gifted, but she's smart enough to be just fine. Unless Cuddy tries to put her in a similar bubble Masters' parents put her."

"You worry about that?" Nyx asked mildly.

"Not really," House said. "Cuddy is a good Mom and she knows what real life is like and that kids do need to survive in that. But she is very protective."

"She may be," Nyx agreed. "But trying to raise someone in a bubble with you around just isn't going to happen. You will always be there to remind her that no matter how much she might want to keep her kid in a cocoon, Rachel will have to eventually face the world on her own and she will need to be prepared."

"I don't know if I'll be there 'always' as you put it!" House barked. "I don't even know if I'll be around next year. We're still feeling our way Cuddy and I."

"True, it's early days with you and Cuddy," Nyx concurred. "And there is no telling if your relationship will work. The odds are definitely against it. But that doesn't mean you won't be around. You were friends before. In all likelihood you will be around as a friend for a long time even if your romance ends. You both got into this with open eyes. You both know how difficult this will be. You will work it out even if this ends. Just remember that you now have a relationship with Rachel regardless of her Mother as well as through her."

"Why?" House asked simply. "Lucas was there, too, as her Mother's boyfriend. Is he keeping in touch with Rachel now?"

"Lucas was a babysitter," Nyx responded brutally. "You are establishing yourself as a father figure."

"I don't know how to be a father figure!" House yelled. "I have no example to go by."

"Well, you know what not to do," Nyx offered. "That's a start. And it seems that Cuddy had a good father. She could give you some pointers. Also you have a good Mother."

"Unlike Cuddy," House muttered. "Though I doubt Arlene was as lousy a parent as my Dad was. But she definitely made Cuddy want to do everything differently."

"Maybe you ought to swap parents?" Nyx suggested with a smile. "You give her pointers on good mothering and she'll advice you on good fathering."

"If only it was that simple," House sighed. "The same sex parent is the one who is the primary role model and the one who leaves deepest marks."

"So I've seen," Nyx admitted. "But it is possible to overcome those 'marks', those obstacles the upbringing has created. You are an intelligent man, Cuddy is an intelligent woman. You can figure it out."

"Masters has intelligent parents," House pointed out.

"You think they failed raising her?" Nyx wondered.

"No," House denied. "Not exactly. I'm just not sure how good she is at surviving. She is 23 and still unsure of who she is. Other than a genius, that is. Though, I do have to say, She doesn't dress like that's all she wants to be."

"She dresses like she doesn't know if she's a fish or a fowl," Nyx shook his head. "Short skirts that show a lot of leg, but the rest is almost bulky and definitely covering her up – the hazmat suit revealed her body better than her clothes do. Apart from the legs. It's like she wants attention but doesn't quite know how to pull it off without risking slutty. Repressed but secretly wanting to be more adventurous."

"Virgin?" House ventured, though doubtingly.

"Probably not," Nyx mused. "I'm pretty sure she has had at least one boyfriend. If 'boyfriend' is the right word."

"You think she, too, is bisexual?" House asked surprised.

"No," Nyx said. "But I think her - probably only - boyfriend was one of her professors. She doesn't really know how to relate to people her own age and given her family history she would have been a pretty easy mark."

"You mean because her parents found each other that way, she would have been ready to believe it could happen to her, too?" House noted. "But would she really be willing to have an affair based on that?"

"Given her high moral ground," Nyx pondered. "I'm fairly sure the man was single, divorced or widower. She would not have had an affair with a married man. But she would 'date' someone even against the rules if she believed he was serious."

"But she survived the break up," House realised. "She must have some resilience after all."

"If he made it all look like he was setting her free for her own good, she may never have realised that she was just one in a long line," Nyx sighed. "And if she hasn't been in touch with anyone in the know she may not even know that she has, most likely, been replaced. So if I'm right about her sexual history, that won't tell you anything about her survival skills."

"So I'm still in the dark about whether intelligence can overcome shortcomings in parenting," House said.

"Well you're smart," Nyx pointed out. "You got out of the shadow of your Dad to become who you are and not what he wanted you to be. How is it going with you?"

"Me," House raised an eyebrow at Nyx. "I'm screwed."


	8. What I had to do

**What I had to do**

"That was just stupid," Nyx stated.

"Can't you just let me sleep!" House exclaimed irately.

"You are sleeping," Nyx reminded him.

"But I'm being annoyed in my sleep," House enunciated. "That is not restful, you know."

"Rubbish," Nyx dismissed his concerns. "You won't remember any of this and you need to dream to work out the frustrations of the day. You know this."

"I know I need to dream," House agreed. "But I don't see why I need to be annoyed. Especially by you."

"Well, it's not a need," Nyx admitted. "I just like to do it. And trying to distract me won't change my mind about the stupidity of your actions."

"It wasn't **my** stupidity," House defended himself. "You can't put the blame on me over this one."

"NO?" Nyx didn't seem to agree. "You knew you shouldn't have treated her mother, yet you let her talk you into it. But when you did let her talk you into it, you didn't insist on being allowed to be yourself. I mean, why didn't you read Cuddy the riot act when she first insisted that you wear that lab coat? You knew her mother is a hypochondriac and you'd have a difficult time to weeding out the imagined symptoms from the real ones. Why, oh why, did you let Cuddy tie your hands?"

"Cause I thought she would find her backbone once her mother fired me," House sighed.

"You expected to be fired by Arlene?" Nyx was surprised.

"Well not really," House shrugged. "I'm really not used to being fired by dying patients. But I did expect her to tell Cuddy to remove me from the case."

"You didn't expect her to fire you directly," Nyx reiterated. "But you did expect her to have a word with Cuddy and once she did that you expected Cuddy to tell her that she needed you. Like she finally did once you pushed her to get her mother back."

"Yeah," House sighed. "I expected that pushing Arlene would eventually untie my hands. I didn't think Cuddy was so intimidated by her mother that she would tie my hands even worse and **still** expect me to save the day."

"Fortunately you did save the day, eventually!" Nyx stated. "But did you have to crush Masters while you were at it?"

"Collateral damage," House accepted. "Cuddy's choice."

"Cuddy may have chosen to remain ignorant of what it was you needed to do to keep tabs on her mother's case," Nyx maintained. "But you were the one who chose to do it. You tricked her and blackmailed her. You chose to destroy her."

"I didn't really," House denied. "I just pretended to."

"Had she given in to your blackmail, that would most definitely have been the end result," Nyx asserted. "Had she kept her silence; had she so totally gone against her own principles for personal gain she would have been destroyed beyond your capabilities of fixing. You could have told her numerous times that you would not have made good your threat and it would not have helped. In fact, it would have made things worse. You crushed her and you knew what you were doing."

"I know," House admitted quietly. "But Arlene was my priority then."

"And yet, you managed to save her even when Masters told the truth," Nyx accused him. "You didn't need to hurt Masters. Once it became obvious that she knew and wanted to tell the truth, that is the time when you ought to have told Cuddy to stand up to her mother and make her understand that you were her only chance of coming out of it alive. Why didn't you?"

"Because she wasn't ready," House sighed. "Cuddy was my very first priority. I pushed her only when there was no other way to save her mother. She needed to figure out her relationship with her mother herself. I couldn't interfere until there was no other choice."

"And you sacrificed Masters without a qualm," Nyx sighed sadly.

"Not without a qualm," House refuted. "But, yes, I didn't hesitate. I am relieved, though, that she didn't give in. Relieved, but very surprised. I didn't expect her to actually have the courage of her convictions. Most of her values and ideas sound so spoon-fed to her that I wasn't very sure that they would really stand up to the test of real life and real situations. She impressed me. She really is willing to go all the way for her convictions."

"A lot like you," Nyx smiled.

"Me?" House sounded surprised. "I lie, I cheat, I most certainly look after 'number one'. You won't catch me sacrificing my own good for a principle."

"Really?" Nyx nearly laughed. "So it wasn't any kind of principle that made you mock Vogler in your speech instead of giving the resounding endorsement to his not-so-new-medicine he wanted?"

"I wasn't in danger," House exclaimed. "He just wanted me to fire someone from my department, and Cameron even saved me the trouble. I still had tenure."

"And as Wilson had spelled out for you," Nyx reminded him. "That didn't mean you were safe. If Cuddy hadn't stood up for you and if the rest of the board hadn't stood up for Cuddy your career would have been over."

"Not really," House insisted. "I would have found another position."

"Not nearly as suited to you as this one," Nyx stated. "Sure, if nothing else you would have gotten a position as a teacher or in research, but chances are you would have killed yourself either outright or with booze and pills before long. And you knew that. And even so, you did what you felt was right. Just like Masters did this time. She may have a different set of ethics – ok, no 'may have' about it, she HAS different set of ethics -, but at the core of her being there is the same idea or 'that thing'; that something that is essential to your very existence. The sense of something absolute. You both have it. And now that you know that she has it, and is willing to do whatever it takes to stay true to it, she will indeed help you keep yourself in check. No matter how long she is with you, she will never get used to the heat. She will never be one of your frogs."

"Why do you think I asked her to stay?" House asked.

"Told her," Nyx corrected him. "You didn't really ask."

"Well, if I had," House made a face. "She would have refused. Only by basically telling her that I needed her and she had to stay could I make her to stay. Given any kind of choice she would have left us. Only by making it seem that choosing to go she was quitting, could I make her stay. She is no quitter."

"No, she isn't," Nyx nodded. "She has a lot of guts. Maybe not quite as much brains as her IQ indicates, but a lot of guts."

"Yeah," House agreed. "She doesn't always have the brains to know when to give up. Which is a good thing for me. And it may end up being a good thing for her, too. She needs to know how the real life actually does work."

"Does she really?" Nyx looked sad. "And are we talking about 'real life' as you define it or as someone else might define it?"

"I hated Vogler for treating medicine like it was another branch of industry," House pondered. "But in many ways he was right. Doctors care about the bottom line as much as any banker does. If she wants to be an ethical doctor – especially with her ethics – she needs to know that profit does dictate the actions of most other doctors and she needs to watch her back. Had she been in Kaufman's shoes both Cuddy and I would be in deep trouble now. Kaufman knows that his salary depends on how well Cuddy does her job so he isn't going to jeopardize her position. He also knows how important my reputation is for the reputation of the hospital and what role that reputation has in getting donations. He is not going to rock the boat just on a principle. Masters would. And she needs to learn to protect herself because nobody else will do it for her."

"Do you think she has learned her lesson?" Nyx asked.

"I'm not sure," House sighed. "I hope she has. I hope she realizes why Kaufman doesn't do what he threatened to do. I hope she will not think I'm the only one who would ever set her up for blackmail. I hope she will understand that everyone in the medical industry – as much as I hate that expression – does look after themselves first."

"You don't," Nyx ventured. "You put the patient first."

"But I know what I am doing and I know how to protect myself," House stated. "Masters doesn't. Not yet. But I hope she is learning."

"Maybe," Nyx nodded. "Do you think Cuddy and Arlene have learned something from all this?"

"Almost dying changes everything for two months, or so," House scoffed. "After that things tend to revert to normal. I do hope Cuddy and Arlene have found some kind understanding during this, but I don't think anything essential will have changed."

"Well, at least a year from now Cuddy will not start to blame you for having killed her mother," Nyx declared.

"True," House agreed. "But there is time. She may well come up with something else to justify breaking up with me."

"You still don't think you will last?" Nyx asked.

"I don't know," House answered. "I only know that whatever the future will be for us, it won't be easy."


	9. Tomorrow

**Tomorrows**

"Happy Valentine's day," Nyx said as she sat down on the bed at House's feet – away from Cuddy.

"I'm not asleep!" House exclaimed.

"Then either you're hallucinating," Nyx pondered. "Or then you're having a supernatural visitation. Take your pick."

"Fine, so I dozed off," House sighed.

"Figured you'd pick that one," Nyx smiled smugly.

"Figured you'd be as annoying as ever before," House snorted.

"You can hardly be surprised if I choose to annoy you," Nyx stated. "I like cats."

"I've got nothing against cats," House insisted. "I even got a mouse for Sarah."

"Only after you had suggested to Wilson you'd go out together and drown her!" Nyx snapped at him. "And after you tried to make her leave through the window."

"Only for the good of Wilson!" House explained. "It's never a good thing when he takes a cat. At this point he ought to be looking for new love, not rushing to his flat twice a day to inject insulin into a cat."

"So you gave him a ten days to comply with your ideas," Nyx mused. "And if he hasn't, then what? You're going to smuggle a hooker into his bedroom to wait for him when he comes home?"

"Not a bad idea," House accepted. "Though I think he'd prefer his coffee-girl."

"Cuddy won't like you doing that," Nyx foretold. "And it could go horribly wrong."

"For me or Wilson?" House asked.

"Now that you ask, more likely for you than for him," Nyx decided. "Because Wilson may be ok, but when Cuddy finds out, she will not be happy no matter what the outcome was."

"Well, it is quite possible that Wilson will get his groove back before the deadline," House considered. "He knows me, so the threat that I'll take matters into my hands ought to be enough."

"Why do you want him to date?" Nyx asked. "You never approve of his marriages."

"He needs a social life," House said. "When he is alone he sinks into depression faster than even I could. I need human contact more than I assumed, but I'm fine alone as well, as long as I spend some time with real people. In fact, there are times when I need solitude. Wilson is not like that. He … I don't know what his darkest thoughts are, but when he is alone they crowd on him. A cat can be a temporary help, but the longer he concentrates on the cat the harder it is for him to seek human contact again. The last time was bad enough; I'm not waiting that long this time."

"Is Cuddy right?" Nyx asked. "Do you feel guilty because you're the one who is in a relationship and Wilson isn't?"

"What's there to feel guilty about?" House shrugged. "But when I screw things up with Cuddy, I'm going to need my friend, so I better look after him, too."

"Are you sure you will screw things up?" Nyx frowned.

"Yes," House stated clearly. "However, I'm not totally sure that that will make Cuddy leave me. She seems to be surprisingly forgiving."

"Well you forgave her for the debacle with her Mother," Nyx pointed out.

"What was there to forgive?" House was puzzled.

"She landed her mother on you, then tied your hands and it wasn't till you told her to get her act together that she finally stood up to her mother and told her how things were going to be," Nyx reiterated. "She put you in an impossible situation where you could have ended up being blamed for the death of her mother and the ruination of both your careers. Yes, she made it ok in the end, but she really had no right to ask you to be her mother's doctor under those terms. But you still forgave her."

"There was nothing to forgive," House insisted. "It was about her mother! How could anyone expect her to be clearheaded. It turned out ok in the end."

"Only because you really are a brilliant doctor," Nyx said.

"Not that Arlene agrees," House smiled.

"Even after you saved her life?" Nyx was surprised.

"She was grateful for about two weeks," House shrugged. "Then she convinced herself that her symptoms were so clear that anyone could have saved her and even I would have done it sooner had I not labelled her as a hypochondriac."

"There's gratitude for you!" Nyx sounded indignant.

"Nah, just people," House stated. "You know how they are."

"Yeah, I do," Nyx nodded. She was quiet for a moment. "I heard, though, that your patient decided to take the pills and be grateful to her sister."

"Quid pro quo," House explained. "One sacrifice deserves another. When she wasn't with her sister, the bad memories weren't crowding her and she was able to make a decision based on her wishes not her emotions."

"Is that what you are doing too?" Nyx asked.

"What do you mean?" House questioned.

"Now that Vicodin isn't numbing you, are you able to make decisions based on your wishes," Nyx clarified. "Are you better able to put aside old memories that make you feel unworthy of happiness and just reach for what you want? Accept what Lisa is offering you?"

"I'm still in pain," House reminded her.

"But it is better," Nyx responded. "With Lisa, even the pain is more manageable."

"Well, regular sex does produce quite a lot of endorphins," House tried to evade.

"And yet you feel the pain the least when she is just there," Nyx retorted. "Like now. She is just there, sleeping next to you, and you are at ease. This is new for you."

"And somewhat strange," House agreed. "But yeah, I suppose I am more accepting of happiness now. Not just because Vicodin isn't clouding my judgment, no. Mayfield did a lot of things to me. I got over my addiction – or as over as one does get – but I also learned things about myself, and ways to go on dealing and accepting new things and situations."

"Like happiness?" Nyx smiled.

"Yeah," House nodded. "I'm not totally convinced I deserve to be happy, but then who really does? Also Cuddy seems to find happiness with me, so as long as that is still the case, I can't really push her away. I may not deserve to be happy, but I don't have the right to make her unhappy. Not after all the chances she has given me. I owe it to her to stay the course. Of course, she may well come to her senses tomorrow, and then I'm out on my butt, but until then, I'm here."

"One day at a time," Nyx agreed.

"You make is sound like an addiction," House retorted.

"As long as you're both addicts, it's ok," Nyx stated. "You've decided to stay for as long as she wants you. That is good. Sure, you will probably make her angry many times, even hurt her occasionally, but as long as you choose to stay, and are willing to work things out with her when you do make her angry or hurt, you ought to be fine."

"And when she no longer wants me?" House asked.

"Who knows," Nyx shrugged. "Maybe that day will never come."

"That I doubt," House sighed. "But hopefully I will have tomorrow."

"And tomorrow and tomorrow…." Nyx repeated.

"Time will tell."


	10. So human

**So human**

"What?" House demanded as he sat down next to Nyx. She had been waiting for him in the gazebo again.

"I didn't say anything," Nyx denied.

"But you were going to," House stated.

"Most likely," Nyx agreed. "I rarely keep quiet for any length of time during our meetings. But even so, you don't need to be so aggressive."

"You were going to call me stupid," House accused.

"Nope, no need for that," Nyx refuted. Then, as House was still clearly expecting more, she elaborated: "You already know you were being stupid. You acted like an ass – which, granted, is your normal mode of operation – and then you tried to make things right by being even a bigger ass. Fortunately you wised up, and mended what could be mended."

"You think I went way over the top at first?" House sighed.

"You know you did," Nyx laughed. "You're a typical guy. Most guys just don't get it how irritating the small things can be. Especially when she has told you that she wants you to stop. Had she expected you to just figure it out on your own, - you know the way some people do, sighing and rolling eyes and just expecting you to read her mind and then blowing up without a warning when you don't; had that been the case I would have said she was unreasonable."

"Like Wilson and Sam the first time around," House remembered.

"And almost the second time around as well had you not pushed him," Nyx pointed out. "Mind you, they still got it wrong in the end."

"Yeah," House agreed. "But why didn't I see that with Cuddy? Why didn't I hear her sooner?"

"Because you are emotionally involved," Nyx told him. "That makes you blind in a way you're not used to. When you watch things unfold from the sidelines, you see things clearly and objectively. That's what makes you such a good doctor: you really can separate your feelings from the puzzle. But when you apply that same approach to your relationship with Lisa, you are still right, but you don't see how it affects Lisa's emotional wellbeing. Sometimes being right just isn't right. Sometimes adjusting to the other person's point of view is much more important. Even when you don't agree."

"She said I didn't make her feel like I cared," House pondered. "I thought that she knew I love her."

"She knows," Nyx confirmed. "She said so. She even knows that you need her. That is why she keeps giving you new chances - and because when you do figure things out you usually do change your behaviour as well. But the thing is she doesn't need you. She can go on living just fine without you as well. You are not necessary to her. Sure her life will be less vibrant, less exciting, less intense, but 'vibrant, exciting and intense' can burn you out, exhaust you. She needs to know that she can rely on you for the small things as well, that you care about her every-day well-being too. She knows you'll be there for the big things, you've already proven that – especially with her mother. But everyday life is about small things and when the honeymoon is over it is the small things that erode a relationship. Because how you deal with her small requests shows to her how you think about her every day."

"I think about her all the time," House frowned in puzzlement. "I need her to breathe easily. But if she doesn't need me, why does she stay? Why does she give me a chance after chance?"

"Because she loves you," Nyx stated. "You need to understand that love and need can be equally powerful motivators in a relationship."

"But if you love someone, don't you need him, too?" House asked.

"No," Nyx replied simply.

"I do," House countered.

"I know," Nyx nodded. "But though you need her and love her, you haven't been acting very lovingly – until now, that is. Taking out the trash, remembering not to slam the door so that Rachel wakes up, using your own toothbrush when she has clearly stated that she prefers that you do; those are things that show the love. Sex you can have with anyone, love in that act is optional."

"But it sure is better with love," House pointed out.

"I'm glad you think so," Nyx smiled.

"You don't?" House wondered.

"I think it's better with caring," Nyx shrugged. "Sometimes it is difficult to tell the difference between caring and love. But that's just me. You, of course, have difficulties in trusting in just love."

"It's not that I don't trust it, exactly," House muttered. "But love dies; it goes away."

"So does need," Nyx reminded him.

"No it doesn't," House countered. "When you no longer need you're no longer alive."

"Maybe so," Nyx accepted. "But need isn't necessarily specific. You need vitamin C. You're used to getting it from oranges. If you become allergic to oranges you can either eat some other plant that is rich in vitamin C or you can take a pill. You need what Lisa can give you, be for you, but if she leaves you and the need is vital, you will find someone else to fill in for her. After all, you managed for years without her, too!"

"So if I can't trust neither need nor love, what can I trust?" House wanted to know.

"Yourself, as always," Nyx told him. "And Lisa. Neither of you can give the other any guarantees about future and the longevity of your relationship or even your feelings. All you can do is trust that neither of you want to hurt the other. Of course, you may end up doing that anyway but you knew that going in. But the important part is that it won't be deliberate."

"If she doesn't want to hurt me," House asked. "Why did she as good as dumb me?"

"She didn't dumb you," Nyx exclaimed. "She wanted a time out. She wanted some peace and quiet so that she could figure out if the price of being with you was worth it. She also needed to show you that she was serious about her wants and wishes. She wasn't asking you to change, just to show that you care."

"That is asking me to change," House sighed. "I'm not very good at caring."

"Don't try that with me," Nyx told him. "I know how much you care. You're just more used to hiding it than showing it. She wasn't asking you to change your personality, just to adjust to the new situation. Just to be a bit more open and … You're not going to like this, but she just wanted you to be a bit less like Wilson."

"Wilson!" House stared at her in astonishment. "Wilson is the epitome of caring and consideration! In fact the main reason why he has divorced so often was because he tried to take care of his wives so well that he forgot about himself and then he imploded. Sort of."

"His strategy is different, yes," Nyx admitted. "But his aim is the same. He uses caring like you use rudeness: as a shield to hide behind. If it is your actions that cause people to be drawn to you and/or then to reject you, then it's never truly personal. You act like a jerk, and I'm not saying it doesn't come naturally to you, just saying that it really is not the only way you can act if you want to; so you act like a jerk because then the rejection is due to your behaviour. If you care; if you open up to someone and still get rejected, then it's personal. Then it really is you who are rejected not just your behaviour. You can't say that you just didn't behave well enough for her, you would have to accept that it was you who wasn't good enough for her. Or that is how you see it. Not surprisingly, though, given that your Dad never cared about who you were as long as you acted as he wanted to."

"Can we leave my Dad out of this," House requested.

"We can try," Nyx said. "I'm not sure he can be left out, but we can try. Your Mother, too, I suppose."

"Definitely we will leave my Mom out of this," House stated.

"You do understand that the way she was brought up had a lot to do with her decisions?" Nyx asked.

"We are not discussing her," House repeated.

"Fine," Nyx shrugged. "But don't you think that when a mother loves unconditionally she would be willing to do anything for her child?"

"Is that a dig at Cuddy?" House asked - deflecting. "She wasn't willing to use her connections to get Rachel into the school she really wanted for her."

"Maybe she was trying to teach Rachel ethics," Nyx pointed out.

"Rachel is too young to learn anything like that," House scoffed. "And ethics are supposedly part of the curriculum in that school."

"Kids may be too young to understand things when they happen," Nyx agreed. "But they do remember and later they understand. And they do learn best from example."

"Cuddy is an optimistic idealist," House said. "She sees the world as it is, but she thinks that it can become what she wishes it were. I love that in her, but Rachel needs to live in the real world and Cuddy won't always be there for her. Nepotism, connections, money and influence do matter in life."

"Unless you're a genius," Nyx suggested.

"Genius is just a way to get money and connections," House observed cynically. "When you're right, people come to you and you have influence."

"You have a very low opinion of humanity," Nyx sighed.

"You claim to have been around since the beginning of time," House said. "Am I wrong?"

"Part of the time, no," Nyx had to admit. "And yet, part of the time... Let's just say that I, too, have moments of optimistic idealism."


	11. Veritas?

**Veritas?**

"Annoying, isn't it," he said as he sunk into an armchair opposite to Lisa.

"What?" Lisa looked up startled from her contemplation of House on her lap. Then she recognised her visitor; after all the god of dreams had been around a couple of times before. "Hypnos? How…"

"Not to worry, you dozed off," Hypnos reassured her. "You'll wake up soon and go to your bed properly. He can sleep on the couch."

"He'll be sore in the morning," Lisa worried.

"Not from sleeping on the couch," Hypnos offered. "And a bed won't make any difference. He'll be miserable no matter where and how he sleeps. And deservedly so."

"I suppose," Lisa agreed. "But he did lose a patient."

"Was that any reason to get drunk and leave you alone to face the worry and the questions?" Hypnos asked.

"Yes," Lisa stated. "Maybe not a good enough reason, but a reason. He hates losing patients."

"But you were going to rip him a new one anyway the next time you saw him," Hypnos reminded her.

"That was then," Lisa sighed.

"But now you can't because he just told you that he loves you more than anything in the world," Hypnos recapped. "Very annoying of him."

"He did get me a mariachi band as well," Lisa said. "I just wish I knew if he would have attended if his patient hadn't died."

"You really think he wanted to miss the board's reaction when the band marched in?" Hypnos laughed. "I think it was fairly clear that he was going to be there, with bells on."

"But then he changed his mind," Lisa replied. She sounded hurt but even so she was stroking House's hair.

"He was thinking of ending this relationship," Hypnos said. "He wasn't going to play the attentive boyfriend while doing that."

"He may still decide to end things," Lisa worried.

"Wasn't he clear enough just now?" Hypnos wondered. "He will always choose you. He couldn't have spelled it out with more clarity. Sure, he might have been a bit more tactful about it had he been sober, but I'm not too convinced that he would have been. Not House."

"Yeah, he did make his choice," Lisa agreed. "His drunken choice. When he sobers up, he may feel differently."

"In vino veritas," Hypnos quoted. "And he's been drunk enough often enough to know that. He won't change his mind tomorrow."

"If he remembers what his mind was," Lisa was starting to get angry again.

"He wasn't that drunk," Hypnos argued. "Besides he had time to sober up some when he walked here."

"He can't have walked all the way from Bertha's," Lisa decided. "Not with his leg."

"You know the time Wilson called you and you know the time House showed up," Hypnos mused. "What do you think?"

"Surely he stopped at a bar somewhere to drink some more and then took a cab," Lisa suggested.

"Does it sound like him?" Hypnos asked. "I mean does it sound like him when he is on a mission? He made up his mind and decided to tell you. Would he really go drink some more?"

"I don't know," Lisa shrugged. "I don't know things like that about him. I never needed to before."

"Ok, you have doubts about his declaration," Hypnos sighed. "Share!"

"I'm not sure he meant what he said," Lisa started. "I mean permanently. And if he did, will he keep on choosing me if he loses more patients. He claims that it's all about the puzzle but in truth he cares about the patient. He hates it when they die. I can't help but wonder how many bodies he can take before he decides that being with me isn't worth the price."

"Are you afraid that he will blame you?" Hypnos asked. "He did say that you are the one who makes him a worse doctor."

"Oddly enough, I don't," Lisa stated. "I'm not holding him hostage or anything. He can leave me any time he wants – I just hope he won't do it while he is too drunk to think straight. He made his choice freely and without any influence from me. I don't think he will ever hold it against me."

"Will you hold it against yourself?" Hypnos wanted to know. "When his patient dies and you know he thinks it's because he chose you?"

"No," Lisa didn't sound convincing or convinced.

"He has always said that you have a very overdeveloped sense of guilt," Hypnos pointed out. "Are you sure it won't kick in?"

"No," Lisa admitted. "But on the other hand, I don't think he is right. I don't think anything can make him a worse doctor. Maybe at first, for a moment, but if pain didn't make him a bad doctor then how could happiness?"

"Concentrating on puzzles made him forget the pain," Hypnos said. "He doesn't want to forget happiness so he won't concentrate as hard."

"Maybe not," Lisa sighed. "Or maybe it will be the case only until he gets used to being happy. Until he starts to believe that this actually can last."

"You think you can ever make him believe that?" Hypnos asked. "He, if anyone, knows that nothing in life is permanent. Life itself isn't permanent."

"As long as I know he loves me," Lisa insisted. "I will stay with him. Yes, I may need a break once in a while because he is so larger than life. But I will never leave him."

"Of your own volition," Hypnos qualified. "You can't see into the future. Something may happen to you; something may happen to him that will make him push you away – he did with Stacy. He may finally do something that you can't defend and the board will fire him. You know he needs to work and if he is fired from your hospital the only hospitals likely to hire him are in Alaska. How will you survive a long distance relationship? Life is full on uncertainties. You cannot see around the corner."

"Why do you do that?" Lisa nearly shouted at him. "Why do you have to dig up every possible uncertainty there could be? Some that I even haven't had until you bring them up!"

"Are you sure I'm bringing up anything new?" Hypnos asked gently. "You both have your doubts. How could you not! You're not kids. You've both been in relationships before, you both have experiences that make you doubt things and yourselves, too. Of course you are uncertain. That makes it all the more remarkable that you are willing to work on this relationship. Yes, he may have been wielding a double edged sword when he confessed his love to you. And you're no dummy; you know it can cut both of you deeply if you're not careful with it. But now you know that he really is willing to put everything on the line for you and this relationship. He chose you, over what until now has been his life. The one thing that has kept him going; kept him alive. Yes, to be that important is a burden as well as a joy. And you have every reason to be apprehensive. But at least you know."

"I'm not sure I wasn't better off not knowing," Lisa sighed.

"Yes you are," Hypnos stated. "You are no coward. That is why you insisted on brutal honesty. And that is what you got."

"And then some!" Lisa agreed.

"Yeah," Hypnos nodded. "Why don't you wake up, go to back to bed and see how things are in the morning. Morning is always a better time to think about these things than three o'clock in the night."

"He will be here in the morning," Lisa pointed out.

"Sure he will," Hypnos smiled. "But I'm fairly sure he will be very quiet. Until about noon, at least."


	12. Burdens

**Burdens**

"You just had to lay that on her," Nyx was shaking her head at House.

"What are you talking about," House opened one eye to stare at Nyx. He also looked around and realised he was alone on Cuddy's couch. "She went to bed, didn't she?"

"Yes she did," Nyx informed him. "And what I'm talking about is you telling her that it's her fault that you no longer care if you save your patients or not."

"That is so not what I said," House insisted.

"And you are so drunk even in your sleep," Nyx admonished him. "Didn't walking sober you up at all?"

"Some," House shrugged. "What does it matter?"

"Nothing, I suppose," Nyx sighed. "Are you going to remember what happened tonight?"

"I'm not that drunk," House stated.

"Good," Nyx said. "So tell me, what were you thinking?"

"I'm not quite with you now," House frowned.

"Why did you tell Lisa that she is the reason why you lost your patient?" Nyx asked.

"I didn't," House denied. "Or at least not like that. Yes, loving her makes me less focused. I feel and that makes me a worse doctor because the patient, the puzzle is no longer all I have. But that is my choice. She may be the reason, but it is my choice."

"You think she will see it that way?" Nyx asked. "She has a very well honed sense of guilt."

"She had no problem with her guilt when she tried to talk me into taking the methadone," House stated. "And she was actively advocating that choice then. This time I chose without any input from her."

"But with the methadone she wasn't benefitting directly at all," Nyx pointed out. "Now it is her happiness as well that is paid for with lives."

"But I chose this because of my happiness, not hers," House said. "If there is any guilt or blame it is mine."

"You can't be sure she will see it that way," Nyx warned him.

"Then I will have to clear her vision for her," House decided.

"It might have been easier if you hadn't hit her with that particular information in the first place," Nyx said. "I mean, you could have just told her that even losing a patient is easier when she is in your life."

"That would have been a lie," House replied. "Nothing makes it easier or more bearable. I can deal with it, because if I don't I can't save the next patient. But nothing makes it easy."

"But it would have been kinder," Nyx suggested.

"I'm not the one who wanted brutal honesty," House recalled.

"I'm not so sure this is what she meant when she said that," Nyx doubted.

"Then she is the one who should have rephrased her words," House insisted. "She knows me, if you want me to be brutally honest, I will be. Besides, she's no delicate flower and I'm not a kind man."

"You are kinder than you let yourself be," Nyx insisted. "And now was the time to let yourself be that."

"She has a way of knowing when I'm being false," House muttered.

"Really!" Nyx didn't sound believing. "You haven't ever successfully lied to her then?"

"Sure I have," House admitted. "But this is not about lies, this is about being false. She knows when I'm not being myself. She has always got suspicious then and now she is in a position to insist on answers. Besides, she has the right to know."

"It's not the knowing that is the problem here," Nyx insisted. "It's the telling. And, fine, maybe a little bit the knowing as well. You didn't need to paint the full picture in such harsh colours."

"Look," House sat up and rubbed his face – these dreams were getting a little too realistic for his taste, but without waking up there wasn't much he could do. "How do you sugar-coat a dead patient? There are no pastels you can use to paint that picture. Dead is dead. And the reason was that I didn't get the diagnosis in time. With treatment he would have been ok. I was too slow."

"Or because the patient wasn't honest about his job in time," Nyx proposed.

"But he was," House declared. "As soon as we accused him of lying he came clean – no pun intended."

"But had he been honest with his wife about his job, he might not have used Vicodin to mask his pain," Nyx stated. "Who knows what other early symptoms it masked or he just missed. If he hadn't needed to mask the physical strain his new job caused him he and his wife might have been able to give you clearer symptoms earlier on. And most importantly, his wife would not now face penury alone with their kid. She could have got a job and they could have kept their savings and all that for real emergency – like this one."

"Possible," House admitted. "But once he did tell us what he did…"

"Then he opened a whole world of new possible causes for his illness," Nyx interrupted. "You are good, much better than anyone else, but you're not infallible. Never have been."

"Nice try," House complimented her. "But I know myself. I know when I am at my best, and with Cuddy I am not the best doctor I can be. I'm ok with it. I do have the right to pursue happiness the same as any other person as long as I can live with the price. And Cuddy is worth the price. But she also has the right to know now and not later what the price is."

"But why does she need to know at all?" Nyx asked. "Why not protect her from that knowledge? It's not like you're not still the best doctor in the hospital. It's not like you're keeping an affair or some financial problem from her."

"She loves me," House stated. "She says she loves me as I am. So do I have the right to expect her to stand behind her words? I think I do. Maybe I'm unconsciously sabotaging myself, but even so, this is the only me I can offer. Lisa is no fool. She will eventually figure out how our relationship affects me. There is a possibility that she doesn't want me anymore then, either because I'm not what she thinks I am or because she thinks the price is too high. But if that is what will happen, then I have the right to find out sooner rather than later."

"So this is a test?" Nyx wondered.

"No," House claimed. "No, I don't mean to test her. It may test our relationship, but then there are a lot of things that have and will do that anyway. But this is who I am and she has the right know. And I have the right to know if this really is what she loves."

"Do you still doubt her?" Nyx frowned.

"I have never doubted her," House declared. "But I may have doubts about us. And me."

"Are you calling it quits?" Nyx asked. "Subconsciously?"

"Am I?" House countered. "Aren't you the one who is supposed to know?"

"If I am," Nyx pondered the question."Then I'll have to say no, you're not calling it quits. But you are living dangerously."


	13. Love is a burning thing

**Love is a burning thing…**

"I'm sorry," Nyx said as she sat down on the bathroom floor.

"So am I," House said raising his eyes from the Vicodin bottle he had been contemplating. "But how can you be here when I'm not asleep nor have I taken any Vicodin yet."

"You're tired and depressed," Nyx shrugged.

"So I'm hallucinating," House concluded.

"Maybe not exactly," Nyx pondered. "Your imagination is just working overtime and you're projecting."

"Because I'm depressed," House observed quietly.

"Or just preoccupied. Though depression is understandable," Nyx accepted. "And yet… Why did you take the Vicodin?"

"Wilson said that I needed to be there for Cuddy," House sighed. "And the only way I could do that was to numb the rawness of my fear. He said that whatever happens it will be worse if I'm not there. But I don't think anything could have been worse."

"The variable he didn't see was Vicodin," Nyx pointed out. "All bets were off when you introduced that into the equation."

"Yeah, it's always the Vicodin," House laughed bitterly. "They use it as an excuse for everything. Always have."

"You are an addict," Nyx reminded him. "You're a doctor, so is Cuddy. You both know how addiction affects families and relationships."

"Even when the so called addiction takes away the pain that hinders function?" House asked.

"The 'functioning addict' excuse flew out of the window with Mayfield," Nyx pointed out.

"I am in pain," House stated quietly.

"We all are," Nyx said. "But Vicodin only ever helped your physical pain. The rest of it, it just masked so you wouldn't have to deal with it."

"As my bestest buddy Wilson says: a problem denied is a problem delayed." House declared.

"And it's not working that well for him either," Nyx asserted.

"It works wonders unless other people start to poke at you, and watch you and over-interpret everything you do and say." House muttered.

"Is that what you think Cuddy did?" Nyx asked.

"It was just one time!" House insisted. "I'm not slipping back!"

"If it was just one time and you're not slipping back," Nyx observed. "Then why are you sitting on your bathroom floor thinking of taking more?"

"Because what difference does it make? I'm just a Vicodin addict to them." House demanded. "I do whatever she wants, change myself to whatever she wants, follow her like a puppy and then she gets tired of me and kicks me to the curb."

"You know that is not true," Nyx objected gently. "The only thing she has wanted to change about you is your addiction. Ok, she may have a slightly optimistic idea of what you are like without Vicodin, but I'm sure she can handle that. However, you know perfectly well that she can't be with an addict. She has a child to consider. She cannot risk Rachel finding one of your secret stashes and eating all the 'candy'. You can't risk it either, because after that, there will be no hope for you two."

"And is there now?" House scorned. "Is she going to change her mind all of a sudden and walk through that door to save me from myself?"

"She didn't do it the last time," Nyx insisted. "She told you then that she can't be the one to rescue you from Vicodin. You have to do it yourself. And if you don't, she can't be with you."

"I don't need Vicodin when I'm with her," House pointed out.

"And is she to be a hostage to your Vicodin for the rest of her life?" Nyx wanted to know. "You say you don't need Vicodin when you are with her, but the moment she got seriously ill you run to your stash. She didn't even know you still had one!"

"Just a test stash," House muttered. "I just wanted to know that I was choosing to be without because I can, not because I have to."

"I can't believe you!" Nyx yelled at him. "You are a doctor; you know how addictions work. You know there isn't an addict who keeps true 'test-stashes'. The talk about a 'test' is just an excuse for having easy access when things get too tough. You know perfectly well that you don't stay sober because you choose to but because you have to. You have to make falling off the wagon a total non-option if you want to succeed. You know this. A 'test-stash' is just a relapse waiting to happen."

"I wouldn't have taken any had Cuddy not been in danger," House explained grumpily.

"Yeah, that's a great way to make her feel special," Nyx scorned. "As the hostage to your sobriety. She can't put herself there. I mean what will it be next time? How much of her life does she need to adjust to serve your addiction? She can't get sick, because if she does you'll take Vicodin. She can't leave your because that will make you take Vicodin. She can't talk about your issues and emotions, because you'll just take Vicodin. She can't spend too much time with Rachel because you'll take Vicodin."

"That's unfair!" House interrupted her. "I have never held Vicodin over her head and tried to make her to do things my way. If anything I've tried to adjust to her needs and wants."

"True, you haven't done that yet," Nyx agreed. "But you know how addictions work. Why would you be different from other addicts? Sooner or later Vicodin would be the 'guiding light' of your relationship. You would both be controlled by your desire for it."

"It would not go that far," House insisted. "I would not let it go that far. I only took it once."

"All addicts lie," Nyx quoted him back at him. "That is what you said. And when you are honest with yourself you know it is true. You need to kick this habit on your own first before you can involve Cuddy in your life. Yes, she left you in too much of a hurry, but though I think her reasons were screwed she still did the right thing. Your actions show that you don't know how to handle the problems life throws at you and you're not even willing to try. You much rather mask them and push them away. And that doesn't work with life. The problems keep on coming and somebody needs to deal with them and she doesn't want to be the 'designated driver'. She wants a partner, however imperfect, but still someone who will stand by her because he can, not because he has drugged himself to the gills. Besides it was pushing away your problems that landed you in Mayfield, and Cuddy most definitely doesn't want to live through that again."

"She didn't live through it the last time," House claimed.

"You think so?" Nyx laughed. "Why do you think she landed on Lucas's lap?"

"Because she found him cute?" House suggested.

"If she wanted cute she could have got a puppy," Nyx scoffed. "She needed distraction and he was there."

"Ah, I see," House exclaimed. "It's ok for her to find distraction, but I'm condemned to hell if I try. Yeah, that's equality for you."

"She needed distraction because you were in pain and she could neither help you nor be with you," Nyx pointed out. "And, of course, she still believed that she could 'not love' you."

"Well now she** knows** she can," House stated.

"Not true," Nyx argued. "She just believes that she can't have a relationship with you. As she can't as long as you choose Vicodin over her."

"I didn't!" House asserted. "I took Vicodin so that I could be with her."

"Same difference," Nyx shrugged. "If she can't have you without Vicodin, then she can't have you."

"This is the only me there is," House professed. "Vicodin is nothing. It's just an aid. She might as well insist that I have to give up my cane to be with her."

"The cane doesn't change your personality," Nyx reminded him.

"The pain does," House countered.

"But there are other ways to handle the pain – both your pains – than Vicodin," Nyx offered. "If you take those pills now, you will lose her. If you get help and stop this relapse now, if you get back on the wagon, you will still have a chance with her. She will return to you if you show her that she really can have you without the Vicodin. That is all she has ever wanted."

"That's not what it felt like," House said.

"Maybe you're right," Nyx conceded. "Maybe in addition to you kicking the addiction she also wanted to get close to you. Not to be shut out."

"I never shut her out," House insisted.

"That was pretty much all you did," Nyx sighed. "You deflect, you make a joke, you get drunk, you walk away. You had to get blind drunk to be able to tell her how much she means to you. Every other time she tried to get you to open up you turned the conversation to sex. Or then you left. You can't blame her for seeing you as only an addict – and a brilliant doctor – because that is all you have ever let her see of you. You have never let her close enough to get to know you. So how could she know you? She isn't clairvoyant."

"But she did say she loved me as I am," House smiled bitterly. "How could she when she didn't even know me?"

"Because love can see deeper than the other senses," Nyx insisted. "Deep down she knows you are a good man. But she also knows that until you let her get to that good man, until you aren't dependent on Vicodin, she can't be with you. You need to show her that her love was not wrong. It will take time, but you need to show her. And the first step is not to take those pills and go back to rehab."

"And if I do that can you guarantee that she'll come back?" House asked.

"No, that I cannot do," Nyx refused to lie. "But what I can guarantee is that if you do take those pills then you will definitely lose her."

"And I can tell you that it doesn't matter what I do," House stated. "She is gone for good. So what does any of this matter?"

"Your life matters," Nyx was getting desperate. "Yes, maybe Lisa is not coming back to you, but if you get your life together there may be someone else out there for you. You connected with Lydia! You can connect with someone else. As long as you don't let Vicodin ruin your life."

"Vicodin isn't ruining my life," House laughed. "It makes it bearable."

"Don't, please don't take the pills," Nyx pleaded.

"Why not?" House demanded. "Once again I burn myself. Don't you think I deserve some pain relief?"

"Don't," Nyx implored. "It won't make your pain go away."

"Maybe not," House agreed. He glanced at the corridor leading from the bathroom to the front door. "But it sure isn't making it worse either."

"No!" Nyx cried as House threw the pills into his mouth and swallowed.

House closed his eyes waiting for the pills to go down and start their magic. When he opened them Nyx was nowhere to be seen. "Figures," he sighed.


	14. Down, down, down

**Down, down, down …**

"So you found something that can replace the high you used to get from Vicodin," Nyx observed sarcastically as she settled down next to House on the bed. "Not that I think your alternative is any safer."

"There was a pool!" House cried. "Nothing to worry there."

"Really?" Nyx lifted an eyebrow at him. "You're not a college kid anymore, you have a bum leg and I can't even remember the last time you did anything even remotely like this. You could have missed and from that height even hitting the pool is not safe. Water is not a soft substance."

"Ok, Mother, so there was some risk," House mocked. "But all in all it was a calculated risk."

"Did you calculate in the risk of a heart attack?" Nyx asked.

"Nothing wrong with my heart," House shrugged.

"I wasn't talking about your heart but Wilson's," Nyx told him. "He sure was on a verge of one when you jumped."

"He saw the pool," House muttered – like it was all Wilson's fault for getting things wrong.

"He had no way of knowing where you were aiming," Nyx reminded him. "At least not when you jumped. When you started to tuck in, he knew where you were aiming, but even so, there was no certainty that you would hit the pool and without injury."

"Wilson's a sissy," House dismissed the argument.

"And you don't really care how risky something is," Nyx sighed. "As long as you get your high."

"What else is there," House replied seriously. "I don't have a family, I have no responsibilities, I can go where I want and do what I want without asking anyone for permission."

"You have friends who care about what happens to you," Nyx countered. "And you do have responsibilities. You are a doctor, after all."

"Not the only doctor in town," House insisted.

"But the only one who knew how to save that bullfighter," Nyx pointed out.

"Yeah, he breathes because of me," House agreed. "And his heart beats – just not to the rhythm he wanted to. He is alive but will he live?"

"He told you that he would find something else to love," Nyx stated.

"I didn't believe him," House responded.

"Because you don't believe you will either?" Nyx asked.

"I know so," House replied. "Everything but medicine and the puzzles have been secondary to me until Cuddy. I was willing to love her more than the medicine, but apparently that wasn't a real option. So it's just not a case of finding something that you could love as much – or more – because, after all, you can't always get what you want."

"You're going to make her pay," Nyx worried.

"She feels guilty and she will give in to any of my crazy ideas as long as I can convince her that our failed relationship is not a factor in my decisions," House ground out. "There are times when I need to be stopped or at least slowed down for the good of the patients – and the good of the hospital. If she makes her decisions just on personal level and not for medical reasons, she will be useless to me as a doctor. I need to push her enough to get her past the guilt."

"So you're going to be cruel to be kind," Nyx concluded.

"No, I don't think so," House was in the mood for brutal honesty. "I'm going to be just cruel. If I can't be happy then I need to be the doctor I am. I'll push her for my own good. I do believe it will eventually benefit her, too, but that is not my first concern. I tried to make a life with her, she cut me off at the knees so now I just hobble on the best I can. I can't wait for her convenience to get on with my life anymore than she waited for me when I was in Mayfield for an undefined period of time."

"You haven't forgiven her for Lucas, either, then," Nyx wondered.

"Lucas is fine," House dismissed. "I have no problem with her trying to make it work with him. She had no way of knowing when or even if I would ever get out of Mayfield or if the rehab would work – as it clearly didn't in the end – so she had every right to get on with her life. She believed Lucas was what she needed and she did what she felt she had to do. Nope, the only beef I have with her is our relationship and how that went. And I'll get over it. As will she."

"Wilson will worry himself silly over you two," Nyx despaired.

"That should take his mind off Sam, at least," House replied seemingly unconcerned.

"You don't sound too worried," Nyx observed.

"Wilson is alive only when he has something or someone to worry over," House shrugged. "Amber tried to teach him to take care of himself first, because everyone else does, but she died before he learned the lesson properly."

"You make it sound like a crime," Nyx mused. "Caring about others. Yet you do care about your patients."

"Only up to a point," House pointed out. "I don't exchange Christmas – or any other – cards with them; I don't attend their birthdays, namings, wedding anniversaries or make 'life-long-friends' with them in any other way either. I save them, if I can, and then I shove them out of the door never to be seen again. Hopefully. Wilson takes on their whole families and lives and tries to make it all better. Nobody can do that. Doctors aren't supposed to do that. We save lives, literally. We don't fix relationships nor do we bring families together. Saving the lives is hard enough when the people don't matter. When they matter, you just burn out the faster and what use will you be then to anyone? You need to take care of yourself first; then you can help others."

"You didn't take care of yourself," Nyx pointed out. "And you burned out."

"Not by caring too much," House insisted.

"And certainly not by caring much about yourself," Nyx countered. "You just said it: if you don't take care of yourself what use can you be to others, either."

"None," House accepted. "But then, I don't need to be. I won't be a great loss."

"Yes, you would be," Nyx replied seriously. "You save lives no other can."

"I can't save everyone no matter what I do," House stated. "So what difference does it make that I stop saving the few I can a few years sooner? At least I have trained a few good doctors who can carry on after me. The world will be just as screwed up after me as it was before me and during my lifetime."

"I worry about you," Nyx confessed.

"Don't," House told her. "I'll be fine."

"I don't believe you," Nyx sighed. "I just can't."


	15. An Honourable Man

**An Honourable Man**

"Seems like you were right," Nyx stated when they met, once again, in the garden by the river. "And also honest."

"You need to be a bit more specific, if you want me to know what you're talking about," House told her as he threw some pebbles into the flowing water.

"You were right when you said that Cuddy needed pushing so that she would start to push back again," Nyx clarified. "And you were honest when you said that you were going to be cruel."

"She didn't seem mortally wounded," House defended himself.

"True," Nyx agreed. "But she didn't look too happy either."

"She was feeling guilty," House snorted. "You don't feel too happy when guilt is riding you."

"Given that she gave in to pretty much everything you wanted," Nyx recalled. "You didn't seem too happy either. In fact, you looked greatly disappointed every time she caved."

"She is the dean of medicine and the head of the hospital," House contended. "She can't keep her position if she lets anyone walk all over her. If I can't have my girlfriend, then I need my boss back."

"So you pushed and pushed until she pushed back," Nyx decided. "And you were not kind about it. But even so, even with the hurt you dealt, I think she is better off now. In a way you gave her closure. I just hope you got closure as well."

"I may need a little more time before that happens," House sighed.

"I'm not sure I approve of your marriage, by the way," Nyx observed. "But I do approve you not taking advantage of her."

"I don't sleep with married women," House repeated his earlier words.

"Stacy was married," Nyx reminded him. "As was Lydia."

"And how did those encounters work out for me?" House asked. "The married women tend to return to their husbands."

"But this time you are the husband," Nyx pointed out.

"Maybe that is the point," House suggested. "She likes me. If we get more intimate, other feelings may follow. It's human nature. Stockholm syndrome, you know."

"You are not her captor," Nyx objected. "She is free to go."

"Is she?" House asked. "We need to stay married and live together for her to get her Green Card. Sure, we have a clearly defined deal, but there is no getting away from the fact that she is a sort of captive for a set period of time. When we agreed on it, I saw it as a sort of employer-employee deal, but it really isn't. She isn't a whore; I can't just pay her and forget about her; she can't just walk out and 'change profession'. She is going to be around for a while and I have an obligation to see to it that she can walk away unharmed."

"So 'he **is** an honourable man'," Nyx mused.

"So was Brutus," House replied.

"You didn't assassinate Cuddy," Nyx stated.

"No?" House raised a sceptical eyebrow at her. "I sure stabbed her in the back."

"From what I saw you confronted her head on," Nyx objected. "She was the one who avoided you."

"Not really," House said. "She just didn't seek me out. The problem was that she wasn't confronting me about anything. Not really. She just gave in to my every demand. Even before I actually demanded it. That's not good for either one of us. But I was talking about my marriage."

"That wasn't a stab in the back," Nyx observed ruefully. "That went straight to the heart."

"And how is that better?" House asked.

"You killed all hope," Nyx shrugged. "And now she has to move on."

"She was the one who broke up with me," House insisted. "Why would she have any hope?"

"Maybe she believed that you would make it your mission to show her that you can change into what she wants," Nyx suggested.

"I already tried that when we were together," House pointed out. "If I wasn't good enough at it then, why would I do better now?"

"No reason," Nyx agreed. "But that doesn't mean she didn't think would. Mind you, I'm fairly sure that wasn't it, but if it was, then you most definitely needed to kill all hope, because she can't jerk you around like that. Nobody deserves that kind of treatment."

"I don't know what she wanted or thought I'd do," House shook his head. "But I can't play that kind of games. I have to go by what I hear."

"Yes, it isn't easy to see what really is going on when you're too close," Nyx concluded. "It is so much easier to be objective and observant when you are just an outsider."

"Which is probably why I didn't recognize a serial killer when I saw one," House pondered. "He got to me with his 'daddy-issues' and I didn't go with my first gut instinct of him being a wanted criminal."

"Apart from telling you that he wasn't a criminal," Nyx contemplated. "He was probably telling you the truth. The regular patterns of his scars and burn marks sure suggest torture and prolonged abuse. And serial killers often were abused as children. That is how monsters are born."

"I may have my issues, but I didn't turn into a serial killer," House commented.

"Your Dad was rigid and clueless," Nyx claimed. "He didn't know what to do with a son like you so he fell back on his military training. Yes, he forgot that he was dealing with a child and he was often unjust and usually over the top, but there was no malice. And it isn't all that there was between you for as long as you can remember. Besides, the genetic condition and his drug abuse probably had a lot to do with your patient's actions, too."

"It's a possibility," House accepted. "But it is also possible that he was just evil."

"Masters will have a hard time with this one," Nyx worried. "You were fooled some, but she really believed in him."

"Yeah, she did," House sighed. "But the guy had nearly died. Everything changes for a few months when you have a near death experience. He wasn't his normal self now, so it really is not that surprising that Master bought the story. But she does need to be less trusting if she wants to treat patients."

"And if she can't be less trusting?" Nyx asked.

"She needs to go into research," House claimed. "She won't stay sane if she doesn't learn coping mechanisms with real, live patients. They do come in all shapes and forms and with all kinds of histories."

"But very few of them will be serial killers," Nyx insisted.

"But many will be murderers or paedophiles or just regular nutcases who get violent when the voices in their heads tell them to," House sighed. "She shouldn't blame herself for caring about Hannibal Lecter Junior; he was convincing and probably even meant it when he said that he believed he had been given a second chance to do better. Just because now his god told him that it was ok to eat meat, and we know what kind of meat he prefers, doesn't negate the fact that given how little we knew about him, but with the visual evidence we had, what he told us had a ring of conviction about it."

"I seriously doubt she'll take that view," Nyx stated.

"I know," House agreed. "But she should. If the rest of the team didn't suspect anything too dire either, why should she have? Even I was fooled up to a point. And even had we known who and what he was, we still had an obligation to do our best for him once we took him on as a patient. Yes, I do wish I had called the cops, and Chase, of course, might have decided to give him the wrong medicine, but other than that, we didn't do anything differently from what we would have done even had we known."

"You'll have a hard time trying to convince her of that," Nyx told him.

"I'm not going to even try," House stated. "If she can't figure this out for herself she needs to quit medicine or go to research."

"Or find yet another doctorate to do," Nyx proposed.

"She does tend to collect them," House accepted. "But it's up to her. I can try to guide her but she is the only one who really knows what she can live with."

"Isn't that true of us all," Nyx sighed.


	16. Dig deeper

**Dig deeper**

"So you decided to see her all the way through to the end," Nyx observed as she appeared in House's dream once again.

"It's not like I haven't done it before," House shrugged.

"But usually it has been a patient who needs your help fairly soon," Nyx stated. "This time it could be ten years or even longer before you are called to make good your promise. You don't usually make long term commitments like that."

"She's a member of my team," House uttered. "That is a commitment."

"That almost sounds like you'd be there for anyone who has been on your team if you believed they needed you?" Nyx didn't actually quite make it a question, more like a request for confirmation.

"If your students are supposed to look upon you like you were their parent," House mused. "Then shouldn't it work the other way around as well?"

"You don't believe in the Hippocratic Oath," Nyx pointed out.

"The idea is not that bad," House noted. "But parts of it are misinterpreted and parts are just unrealistic."

"Misinterpreted?" Nyx queried.

"Do I really need to explain it to you?" House wondered. "Of all creatures? Weren't you around with Hippocrates?"

"I may have been," Nyx evaded. "But that does not mean I will correct you about him if you're wrong. I have told you – several times, I'm sure – that I can only go with what you know."

"Suicide was a perfectly acceptable end in ancient Greece and Rome," House said. "And I'm sure Hippocrates himself was ok with giving poison to someone who had decided to end his life for reasons the society of the time found acceptable. What he was supposed to do was to refuse to use his position as a doctor to poison people at the request of someone else – even a king. But if you respect life, if you respect the autonomy of an individual, you also respect their right to make informed decisions. Of any kind."

"But accepting the decision, does not mean you have to help in the execution," Nyx pondered.

"But if nobody is willing to help," House mused. "Then those who make the decision have to act on it before they are necessarily ready. Or at a time when they still have meaningful life left; before life is unbearable. Before it is time."

"But what if the decision is made because of depression and not because it really is 'time'. What if there is a cure right around the corner?" Nyx asked. "What if a remission or a better drug were just a day away? Can you trust the decision? Does the person who makes the request have the right to place such a burden on you?"

"I'm a doctor," House reminded her. "I can tell when the situation is hopeless and what chances there are for a cure or remission or how much depression may be affecting the decision. And I would not take on the burden if I didn't know I was ok with it. There is no cure. There won't be one before it is too late for her. The only hope she has is that there will be better drugs that will give her more good years, but that really is it. But because there is hope for a few more good years than can currently be expected with the drugs we have now there is all the more reason to give her the reassurance that she does not need to act prematurely."

"So she will be in your life for quite a number of years then," Nyx concluded.

"Not necessarily," House countered. "Not actively I mean. She knows how to reach me when the time approaches, just like her brother knew how to reach her."

"So you don't need to have her on your team to help her?" Nyx asked.

"No," House stated. "I'll help anyone who has been on my team if they need my help. Same as I will help Wilson or Cuddy."

"Even Cuddy?" Nyx quizzed. "After the way she dumped you?"

"I expected her to," House shrugged. "I told her that she would. Can I really be that upset when I was right?"

"Maybe not upset exactly," Nyx allowed, "but definitely hurt."

"I've been hurt before," House said. "And, as you pointed out not that long ago, I did hurt her back. We're even now. But old habits die hard. Just because we've hurt each other doesn't mean I can stop looking after her. I've been doing it for too many years to stop just like that. She still matters to me."

"But didn't she break up with you precisely because you weren't there for her?" Nyx asked.

"I wasn't there for her the way she wanted me to be," House pointed out. "That was the problem. I don't do hand holding and soothing platitudes. I don't make promises that everything will be ok and that she has nothing to be afraid of. I will be there if there is something I can do or if you need to face the options you have. But I don't do soothing."

"So you can be a rock, but not a soft place to land?" Nyx decided.

"Yeah, I think that's about right," House nodded. "And the boyfriend is supposed to be soft. At least that is what Cuddy wants."

"So you have resigned yourself to the fact that you can't be her boyfriend," Nyx articulated. "But you will be her rock if she needs one."

"Or wants one," House corrected. "If she doesn't want me, then I just need to see to it that she will be ok some other way."

"And is that what you will do for your team, too?" Nyx wanted to know. "Make sure they are ok?"

"Well, it wouldn't be fair to only look after Thirteen," House declared. "Though the guys seem to be muddling through ok for now."

"And Masters?" Nyx questioned.

"Hers is a different case," House admitted. "She will need to make decisions about her future soon and though she is smart and has two doctorates under her belt she is still too obedient."

"She didn't obey you when Arlene Cuddy was your patient," Nyx smiled. "In fact, even your threats didn't stop her from doing the right thing."

"But the right thing is not always the same thing," House pointed out. "And sometimes the rules stop you from doing what is right. Euthanasia, for one, is against the rules. Yet if you are a doctor you will face that choice sooner or later. Unless, of course, you choose a branch where you won't need to face such choices, like surgery or research. But even there you will eventually face a situation where going by the book will kill your patient. And I don't mean just being unable to save a life but your actions actually resulting in a death that could have been avoided by bending the rules a little. She needs to know if she can handle that."

"Didn't she already face a situation like that with you once?" Nyx remembered.

"In a way," House agreed. "But she wasn't in charge; even had I followed her way it would have been my decision and my responsibility. And as a student she is supposed to follow the book. It is a bit different when you are in charge and can see the alternatives clearly. She needs to know if she can bend the rules when her training and knowledge clearly say that that is a sure way to save the patient, or if she can live with it when she chooses to follow the rules."

"So what are you going to do?" Nyx wanted to know.

"Be myself," House laughed. "I'm pretty sure that is all that is needed. That and push her a bit."

"Will she survive?" Nyx wondered ruefully.

"I think she will," House assumed. "She is tougher than she looks. But even so, she will need to make up her mind about what she can live with and what not."

"Well, if you're digging a hole for her," Nyx decided. "I just hope she – or you - is the one who will fall into it and not your patient or the hospital."

"Fingers crossed," House replied flippantly.


	17. Departures

**Departure****s**

"So she left you," Nyx sighed as she sat down next to House.

"So she did," House kept on throwing little stones into the river running through Death's garden.

"And just when she was about to learn your ways," Nyx mourned mockingly.

"She was never destined to learn my ways," House shrugged. "She just needed to learn about the real world."

"What real world?" Nyx asked. "The Real World According to House or just the real, real world?"

"It doesn't matter which one," House denied. "The lesson is still the same: nothing will ever be easy again. Many things will be simple, but nothing will be easy again."

"That is not what many people believe," Nyx pointed out. "Most people want easy and simple choices. In fact, that seems to be the main goal of life for most these days."

"Life is simple and fairly easy," House agreed. "If you're a sociopath. For everyone else the simple solution is usually the hard one and the easy solution makes for a lot of obstacles you need to clear."

"You mean that since the parents chose the easy solution of giving in to their daughter," Nyx pondered. "That created obstacles that Masters needed to clear to get to the simple – and right – solution of amputation."

"Something like that," House nodded.

"So you are ok with her decisions?" Nyx frowned.

"Why wouldn't I be?" House wondered. "It was just a damn arm. It's not like she did anything I haven't done myself. More or less."

"I find it hard to believe that you approve of amputation," Nyx stated.

"Because I chose differently?" House suggested. "My situation **was** different. Sometimes amputation really is the only choice. It's not an easy choice, it's not a nice choice, but when there are no other options then there are no other options. No doctor suggest amputation lightly."

"Cuddy suggested it to you," Nyx reminded him. "But you refused to listen. Why? If she was sure that was your only option."

"But it wasn't my only option," House stated. "It was the best option she had to offer, and I can't be sure I wouldn't be better off now had I taken it. Unfortunately, the same is true of the choice I did make, but was tricked out of."

"Isn't that a reason for you to disapprove of Masters' actions?" Nyx wanted to know. "She tricked your patient's parents into approving an operation your patient, herself, had refused. Wasn't that exactly what was done to you? With the best of intentions, of course, in both your cases, but still against your wishes."

"I have never really bought that 'do unto others' thing, you know," House declared. "Also amputation really was the only viable choice my patient had this time. I had another option that I was sure was as good as amputation. I wasn't refusing treatment, I wasn't risking anything that I couldn't risk – delay wasn't going to make anything any worse."

"Anything you couldn't risk?" Nyx repeated. "Delay wasn't going to make things any worse? You nearly died! You risked your life. That was the reason Stacy and Cuddy went behind your back. They wanted to make sure you lived. Surely that makes their choice good?"

"If you think Stacy and Cuddy were right, then you must think Masters was right, too," House mused. "Therefore you must also be ok with her actions. So why are you trying to talk me into disapproving of them?"

"I'm not trying to talk to talk you into anything," Nyx huffed. "I just want to understand why you are all of a sudden cool with doctors tricking patients into having limbs amputated."

"I'm not cool with it," House sighed. "Nor is Masters. But it had to be done. Had there been more time then I'm sure she would have found a way to convince the parents to be parents, but the sail by date was approaching and she couldn't, in good conscience, let her patient leave to sail the world alone and out of the reach of good care."

"She couldn't force her into treatment 'with good conscience' either," Nyx pointed out.

"Good for her," House said.

"What?" Nyx stared at him. "**You** think it's a good thing that she can't just shrug it off as 'what's done is done'. You?"

"She is true to herself," House maintained. "She can't do my kind of medicine, but now she does know what she can live with and what not. Now she knows how to choose what kind of medicine she can practice. She will be good at it be it surgery or research."

"Or if she chooses to leave medicine and just get yet another doctorate," Nyx proposed.

"No," House disagreed. "She will stick with medicine, I'm sure of it."

"And you?" Nyx asked. "Are you ok with losing your youngest chick? Now that she is all grown up and left the nest."

"I'm fine," House shrugged. "Why wouldn't I be? Thirteen is back, so the chick quota is ok and Cuddy can't ride me to hire anyone new. Just give me a new case and I'm going to forget her by the end of next week."

"That soon?" Nyx doubted.

"Or sooner," House insisted. "As you said, she grew up and flew from the nest. End of story."

"And you won't keep an eye on her and pull a string or too in her favour should she need it?" Nyx smiled.

"I don't think she needs any looking after now," House shook his head.

"Like you didn't look after Thirteen?" Nyx asked.

"Masters isn't inflicted with anything incurable, unless you can call her trust in human beings as an infliction, of course," House explained. "She'll be fine."

"But you'll check every now and then anyway," Nyx concluded.

"Maybe," House wasn't going to admit anything outright. "But I don't think she'll land in prison or anything."

"I have to agree with you on that," Nyx agreed. After a pause she asked: "Do you think she'll be ok?"

"She lost her arm," House replied – knowing instinctively that Nyx wasn't talking about Masters anymore.

"The cancer was so high up in her arm," Nyx sighed. "It will be difficult to fit a prosthetic."

"Chase did what he could," House stated. "He did manage to save her shoulder. They do amazing things with prosthetic arms these days. And even with only one arm, she'll still be sailing again sooner than she now believes."

"Not alone, she won't," Nyx doubted.

"She has the will," House asserted. "She will find a way. It's just a matter of determination and training. That is if the sailing really was as important to her as she claimed. If it was the record, then she'll never sail again."

"So you think that if sailing really was her true thing," Nyx pondered. "Then she will go on with it, no matter what obstacles she needs to overcome."

"I got kicked out of two medical schools and I still became a doctor," House stated. "Medical puzzles are my true thing. Granted, being kicked out of school isn't the same as losing a limb, and even losing a limb would not have caused similar difficulties for me as it does for her, but if you have the fire, then nothing will completely extinguish it. And she has the example of other handicapped sailors all over the world."

"If nothing would have changed your essence," Nyx asked. "Then why were you so adamant about not having your leg amputated?"

"It was my leg," House shrugged. "Nothing else, really. It is a natural reaction, you know. It isn't the difficulties about life without a limb that initially freak people out over amputation. It is just the real, physical, visible loss of part of you. Just the loss. I truly believed that I still had other options open to me, so I fought against the amputation. Had I known what I know now, I'm not sure what I would have chosen."

"Knowing you," Nyx smiled ruefully. "You would have chosen exactly the same as you did – except you would have taken the medical proxy away from Stacy."

"Yeah, I do tend to prefer being right to being even alive," House agreed. "Which is why other people are better off when I'm alone."

"I disagree," Nyx said simply. "You have the same right to happiness as everyone else."

"And who exactly really has the right to be happy?" House asked. "What do people do to merit such a reward?"

"Nothing, I suppose," Nyx had to admit. "But sometimes it happens anyway, and why not enjoy it for as long as it lasts?"

"And damn the consequences?" House queried.

"And damn the consequences." Nyx confirmed.


	18. Same old, same old

_A very short chapter this time, but Nyx just didn't want to play __L_

**Same old, same old**

"So you won Arlene to your side," Nyx observed.

"So I did," House agreed. "Much good it did me."

"True," Nyx noted. "She just caused anxiety to Cuddy and …"

"What was over is still over," House completed the sentence.

"Not quite what I was going to say," Nyx sighed. "But still, to the point and true. Too bad."

"Yeah," House agreed. "But it is what it is."

"She did you wrong," Nyx insisted. "She had no right to … "

"She had every right to try and find happiness," House defended Cuddy. "Even with me. But I have said it before, though she can see things how they are and she can see how they ought to be, she doesn't see the gaping, impassable void between them. She has always known what I am like and she loved me even so, but she did not understand that love does not change people and living with me is a different proposition than just loving me."

"So you just forgive her?" Nyx asked.

"I, too, have always know what she is like," House pointed out. "Just because I wish she was different doesn't make her so. And anyway, I don't know if she was Cuddy anymore if she was different. As much as I am what I am so is she who she is."

"Hmmph," Nyx huffed. They sat in silence for some time. Then Nyx spoke again: "How is your leg these days?"

"Still there," House replied with a grimace.

"Same old same old?" Nyx clarified.

"Pretty much," House nodded. "Never far from me."

"Do they know?" Nyx wondered.

"Well they know about the Vicodin," House stated. "But I'm thinking they believe it's for a different kind of pain that I'm taking it."

"Is it?" Nyx asked neutrally.

"If it is, it sure isn't working," House scoffed.

"For which pain?" Nyx wanted clarification.

"Neither. Much," House sighed. "But I'll manage. Have done so before, will again."

"You know what happens if…" Nyx cautioned.

"If I lose control of it?" House concluded. "Yes, I do. Which is why I am more careful. Though I doubt I could prove it by Wilson."

"He always was a worrywart," Nyx noted.

"Only this time he is backing off some," House pointed out.

"I'm not so sure he should," Nyx frowned. "You need someone to keep an eye on you."

"I have a wife," House laughed.

"Who is rarely with you," Nyx reminded him. "Though not by her own choice, I suspect."

"We've been through this already," House didn't want to discuss his marriage. "We have a working relationship and that's all it needs to be."

"You don't actually have a relationship with your wife," Nyx insisted.

"And it's working just fine for both of us," House countered.

"Fine," Nyx gave up. "But if your wife isn't keeping an eye on you, you really need Wilson."

"He has a life of his own to live you know," House stated.

"Not so you'd notice," Nyx scoffed. "But even if you don't want to involve him, you need to involve someone. You can't deal with your leg alone. You need someone. Anyone. Thirteen or Chase of even Foreman! Get someone to help you find out what is going on with your leg now."

"Maybe," House muttered. "But I'm pretty sure I can handle this myself."

"Don't they say that a lawyer who represents himself in court has a fool for a client," Nyx asked. "Wouldn't that apply to doctors as well?"

"I believe that about doctors they say 'physician, heal thyself'. Or words to that effect," House observed.

"Somehow I don't think the context is quite right," Nyx mused. "But I suppose there is no talking to you. As always."

"People don't change, you know," House stated. "They really don't."


	19. Idiot

**Idiot**

"Sulking are you? " House asked when Nyx hadn't said anything to him since his arrival.

"Why do you think that?" Nyx queried.

"You haven't said anything since I arrived and you usually have plenty to say," House pointed out.

"Especially when you have been especially idiotic," Nyx agreed. "But I don't really have anything new to say. You have heard it all from others already."

"What is so idiotic about wanting to get rid of pain?" House demanded.

"RATS!" Nyx couldn't contain her exasperation any longer. "What are you thinking? Didn't Thirteen's experience with an experimental drug teach you anything? Her drug had at least passed the animal testing stage, you just skipped it all and started using without any reliable results at all!"

"So far there has been no adverse effects on the rats," House defended himself. "And you can't even overdose as your kidneys filter it and you pee it out! Nothing to worry about."

"If you are a rat," Nyx stated. "And I mean the four-legged variety, so don't try to get clever. You have no way of knowing your physiology responds to the drug the way a rat's does. And even with the rats the jury is still out. The testing hasn't gone on long enough to tell you what it really does to the rats. And it certainly hasn't gone on long enough to tell you what it may do to a human."

"But I'm better," House explained. "My leg doesn't hurt and there is more mass where my thigh muscle used to be. It is working!"

"You can't know that yet," Nyx refused to listen. "The reduction of pain can be a placebo effect. You just want it to work so badly that it does work – up to a point. But that does not mean that the side effects can't be dangerous and won't kick in later rather than sooner."

"You are just being pessimistic," House insisted. "The rats have had no adverse reactions at all and that in itself is unusual."

"Too good to be true?" Nyx demanded. "Isn't that usually a clue that it really **is** too good? I'm sure there have been other experiments where the rats have been just fine until they drop dead like flies. Why risk it?"

"You think I should have waited the few years it takes for something like this to reach the stage where it can be tested on humans?" House asked.

"Yes," Nyx replied emphatically. "Why are you in such a hurry?"

"Have you ever been in pain?" House queried quietly.

"Yes," Nyx answered. "But that is not the point. You rushed into the ketamine treatment too. Sure, there was some sense in that as it had worked for some, but it was still dangerous. It worked. For a short period of time and the return of the pain – after you had had some time without it – started your downward spiral. That was when you started to take more vicodin than was good for you. What will happen this time when this experiment doesn't work out the way you want?"

"But it looks like this is working exactly the way I want," House countered. "Why don't you want me to be painless?"

"I don't believe you will be," Nyx sighed. "Even if you are right and the drug has no dangerous side effects, I just don't believe it actually works. At least not on humans. And I worry about what it will do to you when your hopes are dashed again."

"You sound like Wilson," House accused her. "He is always expecting me to fly too high and melt my wings."

"He is not completely wrong in his expectations," Nyx accepted. "Even if you do end up curing your physical pain, you do know that that won't fix everything else that has gone wrong in your life."

"You mean that getting rid of the pain will not give me back all the things I have lost because of it?" House clarified.

"Among other things," Nyx nodded.

"Don't you think that just getting rid of the pain would be reward in itself?" House pointed out. "Just going to bed at night without needing to fear waking up in the morning? Trust me, I'd give up just about anything to be able to sleep the whole night and not worry about cramping and pain when I wake up."

"But do you really need to play with the 'cure for all ills'?" Nyx wanted to know.

"As I have pointed out several times, there have been no deaths so far," House explained patiently. "The rats are fine and there are no indications of that changing."

"Not with the rats," Nyx agreed. "But the experiment isn't over yet and you're not a rat."

"It is only a week or so away from going on to the next stage," House dismissed Nyx' concerns. "What could go wrong this late in the game?"

"Everything," Nyx stated. "And you know it. You have been around enough medical research to know that. And even if the rats end up being fine you don't know that you will be. There are plenty of drugs that have passed all the initial tests but then have proven fatal to humans."

"But I'm fine!" House declared. "Better than before, so you're just being difficult."

"You haven't been on the drug for as long as the rats have been," Nyx said. "Though you have taken much larger dosages. But even so, you still don't know how it will affect you and how much worse off you could be in the end."

"Or better!" House still argued. "This could cure me."

"Or kill you," Nyx threw back at him.

"I'm willing to risk that," House decided. "Being pain free is worth the risk."

"Maybe it is worth dying for," Nyx observed. "But what if you just end up with more pain? Was it still worth the risk?"

"There isn't much room for more pain," House explained. "Besides, I do believe that it is working."

"Or you are just in denial," Nyx sighed.

"No I'm not," House shot back at her. "Oh, wait… you just caught me!"

"Very funny!" Nyx glared at him. "Just don't expect me not to tell you that I told you so."

"Wouldn't dream of it," House accepted.

"Idiot!" Nyx sighed again.


	20. Even dumber…

**Even dumber…**

"And just when I believed you couldn't get any stupider you go and prove me wrong," Nyx sighed as she sat down on the hospital bed.

"Funny," House mused. "I was sure you would open with 'I told you so' or words to that effect."

"I don't do redundancy," Nyx scorned.

"And calling me stupid – again – isn't?" House asked.

"Nope," Nyx stated. "Not when you keep the idea fresh the way you do. I mean, come on! Self-surgery? Couldn't you have conned Chase into doing it or even Taub – he sure is scared enough of you. At least you did have enough sense to keep your phone close and finally call for help."

"Yeah, too bad it had to be Cuddy," House observed.

"She is the one you trust most anyway," Nyx reminded him.

"I do," House agreed. "But she has a kid and the way things are between us is not very good. It would have been better had I got the help I needed from someone else."

"She still cares about you," Nyx said.

"All the more reason not to involve her in this," House sighed. "She's been through enough with me already."

"So what are you going to do now?" Nyx wanted to know. "You know Wilson is right. You can't go on like this or you'll just end up back in the loony bin."

"Hey, some respect for mental patients, please," House grumbled. "But yeah, something needs to change."

"Any ideas what?" Nyx queried. "And how?"

"No," House sighed. "Except I need to make things ok with Cuddy. If we are to work together we need to get whatever bad feelings we have behind us."

"You can't just forget pain," Nyx pointed out. "You of all people know that."

"True, but when you stop fighting it, it can get better," House said. "And at least you won't be causing more pain."

"You think it can be done?" Nyx was doubtful. "She doesn't trust you much anymore, after all that you two have been through. And your reaction to the break up wasn't exactly mature."

"Well she wasn't too mature about the break up either," House stated. "However, that is exactly the sort of things we have to put behind us and try and get back to how things were before the dating. And maybe some trust can be regained."

"And if the trust is really all gone?" Nyx asked. "You were actually very lucky that she did come to your aid and didn't just ignore your call the way the others did."

"Wilson was asleep," House pointed out. "He didn't really ignore it."

"But apart from Wilson the point still stands," Nyx insisted.

"Yes, it does," House acknowledged. "And if that is so, then I will just have to live with it. It won't be anything new, after all. Trust has never been strong in my life – given or received."

"I know," Nyx sighed.

"Anyway, that won't be the biggest issue," House said. "Getting over the pain we have caused each other will. If we can put that behind us, we can go on working together."

"And if you can't?" Nyx wanted to know.

"Something has to give," House shrugged his shoulders. "We really can't go on like this. It's not good for either of us and If we can't work together any more I may have to leave."

"Where?" Nyx demanded. "Nobody has even been able to put up with you before. You are brilliant, you save lives nobody else can and you're pretty much a legend. Unfortunately the legend isn't just about your abilities as a doctor. You have a reputation that will make any hospital hesitate before they will hire you."

"I can go to research," House stated. "My skills do translate. And I did consider that once before."

"But you need people," Nyx reminded him. "You need social contact to stay sane."

"I have a wife now," House shrugged again. "I'll just add that to her duties: meaningful conversation twice a week. And Wilson will keep in touch, no doubt."

"Will that be enough?" Nyx worried. "Now that you failed to save your leg."

"I still have it," House asserted. "It's not worse than it was. It's just one more failed experiment. Been there, done that have the scars to prove it. Nothing new there."

"I don't believe you," Nyx stated simply. "Yes, you love taking stupid risks, but even so you outdid yourself this time. Is it really that bad that you had to risk everything? And alone?"

"Yes," House answered. "Ibuprofen doesn't really work. I'd get better results with a placebo. I have to be careful with Vicodin so I take that only when things get really bad. And I'm tired of pain and I'm tired of people telling me that it's all in my head and I'm tired of people telling me what is best for me and what I am doing wrong though they have no idea of what I live with every day. I'm just tired."

"I know," Nyx replied quietly. "I do wish there was something…"

"Me too," House accepted. "But apparently pain is going to be my life no matter what I try. I just need to accept it and stop fighting."

"I'm not sure I like the sound of that," Nyx frowned.

"Don't worry," House gave a small laugh. "I'm not suicidal. I just meant that I have to accept that this is it. No more crazy cures."

"About time," Nyx huffed. "I don't think Rachel needs to see you this sick again."

"She won't," House stated. "Cuddy won't let anything like this happen again. And I have learned that lesson at least. Besides, soon she won't remember me anymore."

"She's not that little," Nyx insisted. "Besides, you'll be seeing her again."

"Probably not if Cuddy has anything to say about it," House insisted. "And she rather has."

"She won't stop you from seeing Rachel," Nyx was sure. "Not when Rachel still wants to see you."

"Unless she thinks it might harm Rachel in some way," House pointed out. "And my self-destructive tendencies could be seen to do just that."

"She knows you'd never harm Rachel," Nyx insisted.

"Not intentionally," House said. "But then I never intend harm. I didn't intend to harm Amber either. Things just went that way."

"You need to do something about those 'self-destructive tendencies' then," Nyx told him.

"I've been trying to," House declared. "I just tend to do that in a bit self-destructive way and just end up in a vicious circle."

"You need help," Nyx remarked.

"Yeah," House agreed. "I just don't know what kind. Shrinks haven't helped, drugs haven't helped, experimental treatments haven't helped…"

"How about friends?" Nyx asked pointedly.

"Haven't found one who doesn't speak judgemental," House said.

"Maybe you need to put up with that," Nyx insisted. "After all Wilson has been there for you like nobody else. Even at his most judgemental."

"Yeah, I suppose," House accepted. "I will have to think about it."

"And a lot of other things as well," Nyx stated.

"And a lot of other things," House agreed. "So it's a rather good thing that I'm tied to a bed for a week or so at least. Plenty of time to think."

"Just make the most of it," Nyx ordered.


	21. Lucky

**Lucky**

"I take it that you have now resigned from your job," Nyx observed dryly as she sat down next to House on the beach.

"I rather believe I have resigned from the whole state of New Jersey," House didn't sound too concerned as he watched the moon reflecting on the water. "I'm fairly sure Cuddy has a state-wide restraining order on me by now."

"You sound rather detached," Nyx decided.

"I feel detached," House agreed. "Probably because I'm dreaming."

"That could be it," Nyx nodded. "Or there could be a psychological reason for it."

"Don't you start," House groaned.

"Start what?" Nyx asked.

"The reason I'm here right now is because they wouldn't stop analyzing me and pushing me and telling me what to do," House stated.

"Yeah, I know they pushed you too far given your mental state," Nyx said. "But don't you think you still over reacted? I mean, you didn't **have** to drive through the house to return the brush."

"No," House sighed. "I didn't. I just felt like it and so I did it. Not one of my best decisions, even when I could be sure that they weren't going to be in the room anymore."

"And how could you be sure?" Nyx demanded. "Anyone could have come back to clear the table or to get something they had forgotten."

"I know Cuddy," House replied. "She is very set in her ways and the way her dinner parties go, nobody would have dared to go back to the dining room once she had shooed them into the living room."

"Rachel could have," Nyx pointed out. "Kids aren't that good at obeying."

"Rachel was with Arlene," House reminded her. "Cuddy would not have introduced her to another man this soon again. Not after both Lucas and me. Of course the new guy might not have got the rules down yet, so he might have returned."

"Would you have cared?" Nyx wanted to know.

"I didn't want to hurt anyone physically when I drove through the window," House insisted. "I just wanted to smash something and Cuddy's wall and window happened to be conveniently there. But I don't know what I would have done had he been in the room. I think I had a vague idea that I could still veer the car and hit the steps if someone had done the unexpected and returned to the room, but I'm not sure how I would have reacted to him. Fortunately we'll never find out now. Though in retrospect I do have to say I was lucky nobody got hurt."

"Except Wilson," Nyx inserted. "He broke his wrist."

"Maybe," House accepted. "It could be just a bad sprain, too. But he'll live and since it was his right wrist he'll be ok."

"Cuddy won't be in a hurry," Nyx stated.

"Won't be what?" House frowned.

"Ok. Or even close to ok," Nyx said.

"Once she is over the shock and anger, there really is no reason why she shouldn't be just fine," House was sure.

"Come on!" Nyx laughed incredulously. "Don't you think this could affect the way she relates to men or how soon she will be willing to start a new relationship?"

"Nope," House stated immediately. "She knows me and when she thinks about it she can figure out well enough how this came about and she can leave this behind her. We have always had a strange way of dealing with each other. There is no chance that she will ever meet anyone like me again, and definitely not to date. Mind you, she hasn't been that successful in her relationships with regular guys either."

"And that makes it all ok?" Nyx demanded.

"Not 'all' ok," House admitted. "But it's not like she'll think that I will stalk her or do anything more to her. Sure she will want my head over this, but she's not afraid of me or anything."

"How can you be so sure?" Nyx asked.

"She knows me and I know her," House shrugged. "Besides, she didn't have any fear in her eyes when I faced her after the crash. In fact had I given her any more time to recover from the shock, she would have killed me right there and then. If looks alone could kill, I'd never have walked out of there at all."

"You don't think that anything you say will make me believe it was just a prank and an ok way to react?" Nyx challenged.

"No, I'm not that stupid." House replied. "I know there are consequences that I will have to face eventually. I just see no reason to speed up the 'eventually' right now."

"They probably want you for attempted murder," Nyx stated.

"That rap I can beat," House said. "Nobody got hurt and as the room was empty the best they can do is simple assault."

"Wilful damage to property?" Nyx suggested. "Assault with a deadly weapon?"

"Mental patient?" House countered. "Temporary insanity? It won't be too bad. I just need a good lawyer."

"Even with a good lawyer you can still end up serving time," Nyx pointed out.

"Either in jail or a mental institution," House said. "I know."

"Not worried?" Nyx ventured.

"Not yet," House uttered. "I'm sure I will when the time comes, but what can you do? I can't just wave a magic wand and erase the past. I did what I did. I may be ok with it, apart from knowing that I really lucked out there, but that does not mean that anyone else is ok with it."

"Aren't you sorry at all? "Nyx was curious.

"At all?" House repeated. "Yeah. There are many things we should have done differently, both of us, and so much hurt. I wish things had been different and I wish I had snapped some other way. Though I do suspect Cuddy would have been a lot worse off had I killed myself and not her dining room. But that doesn't mean that killing her dining room wasn't a bad idea."

"Why did you get that idea in the first place?" Nyx was shaking her head at him.

"Both Cuddy and Wilson kept telling me to express my anger," House sighed. "To show them how I feel, so I just didn't really think at all just 'expressed' as required."

"Well you definitely made your point," Nyx agreed. "But …"

"Yeah, but," House confirmed. "Not one of my brightest moments."

"But you still felt good afterwards?" Nyx wondered.

"Apparently they were both right: I really did need to get all the anger out in the open," House sighed. "Though I do think they would have preferred yelling."

"There is no doubt about that," Nyx affirmed. "I think even throwing the brush through the window would have been just about acceptable. But throwing a car through it was definitely too much."

"True. Though their faces were something to behold," House couldn't help it; he just had to smile a little.

"Especially as they were all alive to gape at you," Nyx observed dryly.

"Yes, that is an important point," House accepted. "I was lucky, I do know."

"How long do you think your luck will last?" Nyx asked.

"Don't know," House muse. "But as I'm back to just hurting myself, it won't matter that much."

"It might matter to those who care about you," Nyx pointed out.

"And who might those be?" House asked simply.

This is the end of this story. Depending on how Season 8 goes, I will start Nyx III, but for now, this is it. Thank you for reading and for the reviews. :)


	22. Still lucky

**Still**** lucky?**

"Home sweet home," Nyx sighed as she settled next to House on his bed.

"Well, it was," House responded dryly.

"I'm not welcome?" Nyx wondered.

"Do you care?" House asked.

"Good point," Nyx agreed. "But you didn't seem to mind me in the prison."

"In prison you were my only peep," House pointed out.

"That was partly your own choice," Nyx reminded him. "Your mother would have visited had you allowed it."

"Yeah, that part was my choice," House agreed. "But it wasn't my choice that nobody else even tried."

"Until Foreman," Nyx stated.

"But that was cream pot love," House reminded her. "I had something he needed and he came to get it. It was quid pro quo."

"And he certainly had the perfect patient for you," Nyx mused. "Even better than the one who got you 8 months added to your sentence."

"But I was right, he was treated and it was worth the consequences," House insisted.

"Yeah, but a bit of a bummer," Nyx observed. "You were just about to get out on parole and then you end up with 8 months more added to your time. Surely that hurt."

"No more than life in general," House shrugged. "Besides, it's a bit of a moot point now. I'm out anyway."

"But Foreman owns you," Nyx sighed.

"Only if you assume that I fear going back in," House stated.

"And if you think it's worth it, you don't care," Nyx concluded.

"Also Foreman stuck his neck out too, to get me, so he isn't going to send me in easily," House concluded.

"So you think you'll be free of the monitor soon enough?" Nyx asked.

"Probably," House nodded. "Though I suppose it is up to a judge. But I did do what was expected of me. And nobody else was able to do it."

"And how do you like your new team?" Nyx queried.

"Team?" House repeated with irony.

"Yea, I suppose that like there is no 'I' in a team there is no 'one' either," Nyx observed. "So how do you like her?"

"I wonder if Foreman was smart enough to assign her to me because I could push her into staying, or if he just chose her because she was available," House pondered. "I fear it was the latter."

"So how do you think her hearing will go?" Nyx asked.

"If Foreman has any balls he'll sack the attending," House insisted.

"Foreman?" Nyx raised an eyebrow.

"I have been away a whole year," House stated. "He may have grown a pair!"

"Foreman?" The eyebrow was joined by the other one.

"You have a point," House agreed. "However, he did sometimes surprise me even before. But no matter how the hearing goes, I'll still have my peep."

"But you still haven't told me how you like her?" Nyx insisted.

"I think I kinda do like her," House pondered. "She has that Asian work ethics…"

"Which is a good thing as you have none," Nyx inserted.

"But though she is raised to be respectful of authority she can say no," House went on as if there had been no interruption. "And she snapped at me. She has potential. I just need to figure out a way to multiply her."

"Well, you figured out a way to get Wilson back, so you'll think of something," Nyx observed.

"But I didn't figure out how to get Wilson back," House stated. "He just returned of his own volition."

"Yes, his own volition," Nyx didn't sound convinced. "Like a compass points to the north of its own volition. You knew that as long as you kept the exposure steady he couldn't help himself."

"He does like to please people," House nodded.

"And he likes it that with you he actually doesn't need to," Nyx pointed out. "You don't only push him to be a better doctor you also push him to be himself. Yes, that means him giving in to his baser instincts as well, and being less of a nice person than he likes to present himself to the world but it also means that you keep him grounded. With you he knows who he is while with others he tends to drown in their expectations."

"And it tends to tear him apart, too," House sighed.

"So you think you two are now ok?" Nyx asked.

"Well, he punched me and we had dinner, so yeah, we're ok," House nodded.

"Though he never visited you in prison?" Nyx demanded. "Though he said that you are no longer friends when you came back? Though he hasn't apologized for anything he has done over the years or his part in pushing you too far a year ago?"

"That's nothing," House denied. "He has always found it difficult to deal with losing people and he had no way of knowing I would survive prison. He always does that. Besides, he lost Cuddy, too, so it has been hard for him."

"And he punished himself by turning vegetarian," Nyx laughed. "Not quite the same as prison."

"But still dull," House noted. "I'm fairly sure he didn't get drunk either, even once."

"No wonder it took him only one day to forgive you," Nyx said. "Having you back must have been like going to see the Wizard of Oz. All is black and white until you hit the yellow brick road and all colours just burst out. He must have felt alive today for the first time in over a year."

"I think you're being a bit dramatic," House declared. "Though, probably not all wrong. We do have fun together."

"Plus he can supply you with food and drink now that you can't go to a bar on your own," Nyx concluded. "Convenient."

"Not bad," House admitted. "Though mostly it's just nice to be able to choose your company and then close the door on them yourself when they leave."

"Do you think you will adjust to life outside?" Nyx worried.

"Do fish adjust to water?" House laughed. "I wasn't away that long."

"But things have changed much more than you expected," Nyx pointed out.

"True," House nodded. "But I never expected to be back here at all. So it is less of an adjustment than I expected."

"Except that sometimes it is easier to adjust to something completely new than to something old that has changed," Nyx asserted.

"I'll just need to change back what I can," House insisted. "And turn the rest to my liking."

"So it's your environment that has to adjust to you," Nyx commented. "And not the other way around."

"You do know that people don't change, right?" House asked her.

"So the circumstances must," Nyx concluded. "But what if that doesn't work? What if you can't change things back to the way they were?"

"The you go for plan B," House shrugged.

"And that is?" Nyx queried.

"Go with plan A anyway," House laughed. "Just work harder at it."

"In other words people really, really don't change," Nyx sighed. "You will be in so much trouble."

"Nah, most of it will land on Foreman's desk," House declared. "And good luck to him."

"He will need it," Nyx sighed.


	23. Human conditional

**Human condition-al**

"He didn't keep his promise to you," Nyx sounded almost indignant.

"I told him he wouldn't," House reminded her. "And I was right."

"Is that enough of a consolation prize?" Nyx asked.

"Well I did get to say to him that I told him so," House shrugged. "Even if I didn't use those exact words."

"What I don't understand is why you didn't see his altruism for the symptom is was!" Nyx wanted to know.

"Wilson didn't see it as such either, as soon as he had his own horse in the race," House pointed out. "And that was after he had already given me 'the lecture' about it."

"So you're saying that because you had personal investment in the patient – even if it wasn't emotional but monetary – you didn't want to see his symptoms for what they were?" Nyx demanded.

"Basically, yes," House admitted. "I wanted his money, so I decided he was suffering from rich-kid-quilt and too many episodes of Secret Millionaire."

"But even if that had been all, wasn't he taking it a bit too far?" Nyx queried. "Park homed in on it as a symptom right away."

"So she did. Too bad I had other fish to fry otherwise I would have been delighted to find someone equally suspicious of 'niceness'. But as things were I dismissed it as a symptom of stupidity," House admitted. "I just assumed that he was an easy mark. I've known those before, you know. Of course, I didn't know he had left his family because of it."

"Family comes first?" Nyx suggested.

"Well, it should, but that wasn't exactly what I meant," House stated. "What I meant was that if he had so fine-tuned a sense of guilt it would have work for his family as well. So for the guilt to basically bypass the family there had to be something else going on than just stupidity."

"You think charity is stupid?" Nyx frowned. "Yet most of the money the hospital uses is charity money. Do you think that is stupid, too?"

"Most of the donors are," House shrugged. "They use money to get something that really can't be bought. They think they will feel better about being rich; they buy their way out of guilt because their money didn't save someone important to them and now they fund research into the illness they didn't care about until it took a loved one. They fulfil a perceived social obligation; they want to keep up with the Joneses and show they, too, can give away lots of money; it's fashionable to have a pet charity and it looks good. Myriad of reasons."

"And what in your opinion would not be a stupid reason?" Nyx wanted to know.

"Charity is not my area of expertise," House reminded her.

"Just like ethics," Nyx accepted. "And yet you gave 13 her freedom. You told her that she can't do your kind of medicine anymore and there are plenty of ordinary doctors to go around so she can go and be happy. You set her free."

"I didn't have her properly captured," House said. "She would have just torn herself apart."

"Not a decision one would expect from you," Nyx mused.

"I think one prisoner per hospital is enough," House dismissed the suggestion.

"You see yourself as a prisoner still?" Nyx asked.

"I am one until this monitor comes off," House stated. "You may pretty it up by saying it is parole, but until you can decide where you go and when, it's still imprisonment. Mind you, I do like this better than the Big House, but though I'm no longer in prison, I still am a prisoner."

"Is that why you try to control your environment?" Nyx queried. "In prison everything was as it was, but here you might be able to manipulate things to your liking. Though the restrictions are a hindrance this is still your home turf and you have ways to affect it."

"This isn't really my home turf anymore," House shook his head. "It is as you said before: it might be easier to adjust to something totally new than to old that has changed."

"You have your office back, your stuff is there, and I have no doubt you'll get rid of orthopaedics soon enough, too." Nyx surmised. "Wilson is here, you have a team – and, again, probably the team of your choice soon – and you are working cases just like you used to do. You even have clinic duty to hate."

"But only my home to go to when I leave the hospital and only the hospital to go to when I leave home," House pointed out. "That's not my normal environment in all and I can't even go to the patient's home to find out if the cause for the illness is there."

"You always send your team to do that anyway," Nyx pointed out. "Or is this just a case of you wanting to do it because you can't?"

"When I send my team to do it, I trust the team," House said. "I don't trust Park and Adams quite enough to trust their results. But partly it is also the restrictions. It's one thing to choose not to do something and something else entirely when you can't even choose."

"So where is it you so want to go but can't?" Nyx wondered. "Because I don't think you were talking about the patients' homes there."

"It's silly," House evaded.

"Of course it is," Nyx agreed broadly. "Doesn't make it insignificant, though."

"Cuddy's house," House stated simply.

"Why?" Nyx exclaimed.

"Don't criminals usually return to the scene of the crime?" House shrugged.

"Maybe," Nyx accepted. "But I don't think that's your reason."

"Maybe I just want to see if there is any signs there left," House muttered. "Anything showing what happened."

"You know what happened," Nyx said. "Your car is surely sign enough, why would you need to see any more of them? And surely you don't need to go there to make it seem real to you since nothing is more real than prison. So what is it?"

"It's not the accident that I need to make real," House sighed in defeat. "It's Cuddy."

"You need to see for yourself that she really is gone," Nyx understood. "That there really is somebody else living in her house and she is not on a sabbatical or anything like that but really, really not coming back."

"Yes," House stated simply.

"Banquo's ghost?" Nyx asked.

"No, there's no feast here," House denied. "No. Foreman hasn't found his voice yet. He isn't filling the hospital the way Cuddy did. She was always there even when she wasn't. She still is, but only as an echo. The hospital is like a zombie house now. Empty hollow, lacking soul – and waiting. The others have had a year to get used to it. They know what not to wait. I still need to get my heart around it. I didn't think I could still wait; I thought the prison had cured me of that, too, but seems that I was wrong. It seems that I need some kind of closure. Not with her, that was done for sure. But about her; to realise that I'm here and she isn't. It's just the wrong way around. I wish I could go and see her house and learn her absence. Foreman may in time make this his hospital; he has administrative skills, but I'm not sure he can fill it. Maybe that's not necessary – I've seen plenty of hospital that have no soul but still do good work – but I rather liked the way things were. And I am sorry that I broke it. I never thought anything could make Cuddy leave her hospital, but apparently that was just one of the many things I got wrong."

"You could ask Wilson to get you pictures," Nyx suggested with a rueful smile.

"And listen to him lecturing me about letting Cuddy go or letting the past go or whatever it would be he felt like lecturing me about," House laughed. "No. Thank. You. I'm done with judgemental for a while. I'll survive as I am. I always do."

"Yeah," Nyx sighed. "But sometimes it would be nice to have something a bit more."


	24. Morning has broken

**Morning has broken**

"I think I really like Park," Nyx told House as they lay on the grass near the river in Death's garden. "She is an interesting combination of innocence and street-smarts, timidity and spunk. It will be interesting to see which way she will go under your tutelage."

"I could crush her, you know," House suggested.

"If that was what you really believed you would have crushed her already and not helped her with her hearing," Nyx dismissed the suggestion.

"I only changed my mind about getting her fired after Wilson bet me that she would get fired," House pointed out. "I like Wilson's money more than anyone else's."

"Well, one could make a case that you knew she would ask Wilson for advice and – James being James – he would get involved and offer a counter-bet," Nyx mused. "So by acting like you wanted her fired you could both manipulate the board into not firing her and hide your true intentions – that were to make sure she would not get fired."

"That is convoluted," House stated.

"And therefore exactly what you would do," Nyx insisted. "Though I do rather think you had decided to help her even before the bets; they just gave you a chance to keep your rep."

"My reputation, Jago, my reputation!" House sighed. "It is important, you know. Otherwise people will walk all over you."

"Like your orthopaedic neighbour?" Nyx asked.

"Just like him," House agreed. "Now he knows that I will get what I want one way or the other. He won't be bothering me again."

"Even though your money will buy him new and improved equipments?" Nyx wanted to know.

"It's the principle," House smiled. "He had to leave the premises empty handed. It doesn't matter that all his stuff will be replaced – and with new and improved stuff – what matters is that he had to walk away from the stuff he had. And at my say so."

"And to add insult to the injury you made sure that everyone knew that you didn't even want his stuff by having it all smashed to pieces," Nyx concluded. "Ouch!"

"Exactly," House sighed with deep satisfaction. "And it all had the added bonus of letting Adams get rid of her anger and frustration which will, in turn, make her more focused and better suited for me."

"So you're keeping both your 'girls' though you're getting 'The House Boys' back?" Nyx queried.

"If I can have them all, why shouldn't I?" House replied. "Chase and Taub have worked for me too long; I need someone fresh to challenge them. Force them to up their game. I think they will keep each other on their toes and that will work well for me."

"That is a possibility," Nyx accepted. They stared at the night sky in silence for a moment. The Nyx spoke again: "Do you think new people and new location will work for your patient, too?"

"Does it matter?" House asked.

"You did rather lean on him to sign," Nyx reminded him.

"I wasn't affecting anything but the timing of the press release," House pointed out. "Nobody learns mandarin if they're not serious about moving. And nobody, no matter how serious they are learns it in four months. He made a sound, well-thought out business decision and once he shook on the deal he wasn't going to back out of it no matter how possible it might have been legally. He has honour and a good eye for the profit."

"You think he lied to his daughter when he said it was about family," Nyx demanded.

"Oh no, it was about family alright," House said. "The daughter just had a different idea about family. "

"Meaning?" Nyx raised an eyebrow at House.

"She sees family as the immediate family, basically her and her father," House pondered. "She probably includes the workers as well into her idea of family, but when she talks about family she definitely means the living."

"And he doesn't?" Nyx queried.

"No," House stated. "For him the 'family' in the family business is all the generations that have been before him, and his obligation to them. He is not stupid, he knew all the flack he would get after his decision. But he also knew that the move would happen sooner or later: he could either do it himself and keep the company in the family, or he could wimp out, give control to someone else and watch that someone else move his company at a later date."

"What makes you so sure the company would move – sooner or later?" Nyx asked.

"His kind of businesses are in trouble all over the country and there are no signs suggesting that things will change any time soon," House replied. "There is only so much cost cutting he can do here. Also the biggest future market is in Asia. It makes sense to move to China if you want to be sure your company has a future. He did his homework and made his decision based on what is best for his company."

"But what if his daughter doesn't want the business now?" Nyx wondered. "Won't it move out of the family then? If she sells her share once she is in charge?"

"Yes," House nodded. "But that won't be on his watch."

"And that will be enough for him?" Nyx didn't sound convinced.

"Yes," House sounded like he had only just come to that conclusion. "He was raised to the family obligation; the business was his first duty and his final obligation. He was given really no choice about it. A bit like being a king, you know. From the day you're born you're raised to serve your people, to carry the crown and make sure you pass it intact to the next generation. He had no choice about that. He did, however, have a choice about raising his own child and he chose not to bring her into the family obligation. He did right by her."

"But she left him," Nyx observed. "His decision to honour the previous generations – if that is what he did – cost him his daughter. You're not trying to tell me that he chose to raise her in a way that – almost inevitably – would bring them to this - or at least had a good chance that this is what would happen."

"It was a risk he had to take to give her freedom," House asserted. "She has a good sense of duty, honour and integrity. Also patriotism. But she is not bound by the dictates of previous generations. He gave her freedom and he knew what that meant. He was willing to be the fall guy there, too. He did what was best for his company and he did what was best for his daughter. He chose to be the one who would suffer for it. And he waited until his wife was dead so she wouldn't need to suffer."

"A bit like you, isn't that?" Nyx wondered.

"Me?" House was perplexed. "How do you connect any of that with me?"

"Your father tried to raise you to follow his footsteps – the family tradition – of joining the military," Nyx explained. "Right? You chose to rebel and become something else. Now you are 'raising' your 'kids' to make their own choices. You did it with Masters and now with Park. With the hearing now over she can choose to go back to neurology or ask Foreman to assign her to some other department."

"Yes, she has those options now," House agreed. "Though I seriously doubt she will go back to neurology. Who would want to face that lecherous drunk if there was a choice. Especially as he is a hack who can teach nobody anything useful."

"I thought he claimed it was just a congratulatory slap gone wrong," Nyx deadpanned.

"Yeah," House scorned. "He had to stoop pretty low to reach Park's behind. No way was he aiming for just her back."

"I have to say that I agree," Nyx admitted. "But can you be sure she comes back to you?"

"Not really," House admitted. "She has more options now. If she thinks my actions were personal…"

"They were," Nyx reminded him. "Though not in the way she might think."

"Whatever," House dismissed the interruption. "If she thinks I really wanted her out or my team then she will ask Foreman to assign her somewhere else. If she thinks that it was just the bet and that I have what she wants to learn, then she will come back – and no hard feelings."

"What do you think she will do?" Nyx asked.

"Oh, she'll come back," House stated without a doubt. "Had she been tempted to do something else – even for a moment – then she would have not reacted to winning the bet the way she did. I don't think it even occurred to her that she could leave. Were I an ethical person I would point her options out for her, but as things are… I'll take her."


	25. Team a little team for me

**Team a little team for me**

"Happy with your team?" Nyx asked House.

"Yeah, there is already a competition going on between the boys and the girls," House smiled happily.

"And all are ganging up on Taub," Nyx suggested.

"More or less," House agreed. "But he did rather offer himself up on a silver platter with an apple in his mouth."

"Am I supposed to really believe you didn't read the results?" Nyx demanded.

"I don't care what you believe," House shrugged. "If I know then that is just to satisfy my own curiosity. As far as Taub and the hospital goes the bets are off and the paternity of the kids is nobody's business."

"What if he wants to know later on?" Nyx queried.

"The DNA is at his disposal at regular intervals," House reminded her. "He can do the test any time he wants."

"Do you think he will?" was the next question.

"No," House mused. "I think he made peace with his doubts. The kids are adorable and he is inclined to adore. He knows the situation and knows he is ok with the uncertainty."

"You wouldn't be," Nyx stated.

"No," House agreed. "But then, I always want to know. What I do with the knowledge may vary depending on the case, but I always want to know. That's how I'm built."

"And this time you chose just to know and not share," Nyx concluded.

"That is a possibility," House nodded. "If I read the results, that is."

"So the baby-issue is over?" Nyx most definitely wasn't making a statement.

"The parentage is," House said. "But other than that, as long as I can torment Taub with them, I will. I'm sure they will provide endless amusement to us all."

"You really are a cruel man," Nyx smiled.

"But I am what Taub chose," House pointed out. "It isn't like he didn't already know me and know what I would do."

"True," Nyx admitted. "But why just Taub? Surely Chase going surfing for a year is worth a comment or two as well?"

"In time," House didn't deny it. "But nothing he did compares with knocking two women up at the same time! And Taub is a doctor, he should know better."

"True," Nyx nodded. "But then, there are plenty of things doctors ought to know better. Like taking drugs, smoking, drinking, driving while under influence… shall I go on?"

"Shut up," House told her. "I got the point. And I will get around to Chase in time."

"So you think the dynamics in your team are working for you?" Nyx partly changed the subject.

"Yep," House smiled. "The girls will naturally side with each other, partly because they're both girls, partly because they're new and partly because they have already worked together and have started adjusting to each other. Same with the boys. But nobody is so invested in their 'partnerships' that they won't be able to work together with anyone and – when need be – they can change sides quite easily. I think I have done well with them. Especially as none of them are into moral outrage."

"But you need moral outrage sometimes," Nyx pointed out.

"So I do," House was in agreement with her. "But that's why Foreman is there."

"He didn't used to be," Nyx pondered.

"No," House said. "When he was part of my team I needed him mostly as a doctor, but he did moral outrage even then. Except when I had Cameron, who got that covered in spades. Now that he is an administrator he is of no use to me medically so he has to provide the moral outrage. Or remind me of what I can legally do."

"Are you relying on him to keep you out of prison?" Nyx frowned.

"Nobody can keep you out of prison if you don't co-operate," House scoffed. "But I do rely on him to help. And cover up for me when possible, I do admit that. He will do that as long as I'm curing the patients."

"You don't think he is helping you out of friendship?" Nyx wanted to know.

"There is no friendship," House stated. "He used to work for me, now I work for him. And even if there was a friendship, he can't go against the board and as soon as I stop being useful for the hospital someone from the board is going to try and put me back in."

"And still you risk it all to perform risky procedures," Nyx sighed.

"My first responsibility is to my patient," House said. "If I fulfil that, then I'm probably ok myself, too."

"And while you wait, you screw with Foreman and get Wilson to agree things he doesn't know he is agreeing to," Nyx concluded.

"Why not?" House asked. "It's not like I really need to go out of my way to get him all worked up. He does a very good job of it all by himself."

"Was it really worth not going home for four days?" Nyx asked. "Or is that just the story you're telling yourself."

"Are you asking if I devised this game just to have a face saving reason to stay here and not to go home?" House demanded.

"Yes," was the simple reply.

"When there are only two places you can go to," House considered. "You need to make the most of them. There's not much I can do about my home: it is what it is. I can't redecorate as I'm not allowed to go shopping. I can't invite friends other than Wilson as I don't have any. I can't go for long drives either in my car or on my bike – that's just not allowed. I'm ok with my home; it is what it has been for years and I have no problem with staying home alone for number of days. But even when you're ok with something, you still feel itchy when you know you have no choice about it. So creating games that you can play within the parameters you have been given is a way to alleviate the itch. If I can drink, watch TV and listen to the noises people make at home or I can do the same here, in the hospital, while screwing with Foreman why shouldn't I choose the latter?"

"I see," Nyx sighed. "Is the garage door you installed in the same category?"

"Partly," House concurred. "But screwing with Wilson – especially when he thinks he knows what I'm doing – is always extra satisfying."

"I really don't know why you two are friends," Nyx shook her head. "I mean, I sort of understand, there is a connection between you that is rare. It's like you are brothers, or even Siamese twins that were separated at birth. But the way you treat each other – if you were blood relatives you would both have disowned each other years ago. But here you are: friends like enemies but thick as thieves. It seems that nothing can keep you apart. You screw with him to your heart's content; he abandons you at will – and no matter what you just get back together like nothing had happened and all is just hunky dory. You two have the strangest friendship I can think of."

"That's because no matter what, when chips fall down we really are there for each other," House stated. "It may not be pretty. It certainly isn't any kind of fairy tale. But it is real. So this is what it is: he shuts me out – I take down his wall. And he's ok with it, because it really is nothing more than he expected."

"I don't think I will ever quite get you two," Nyx sighed. "And the way your team stays loyal to you though you abuse them left and right. Do you use magic on them or something?"

"No," House said. "I just choose people who like it."

"No, I don't think that is it," Nyx doubted. "It's something else. I don't yet know what, but I'll keep on looking for an explanation and one day I will have it."

"Good luck trying," House sneered.


	26. Screwed

**Screwed**

"So was Wilson right?" Nyx asked. "Do you need to believe you were robbed of a normal childhood?"

"I think I had a pretty normal childhood," House countered. "I got screwed up, just like everybody else."

"Adams says she didn't," Nyx reminded him. "And don't tell me they screwed her up by not screwing her up. That just doesn't work."

"Actually it works perfectly," House stated. "Amongst her peers she was the only one who came from a functional family. That made her different; an outsider. There is a point when belonging to a peer-group is more important than family and she did what she could to belong. But not knowing how to get screwed she screwed it up – as expected; that is what teenagers do – and she had to come home where her parents laid on her a guilt trip to end all guilt trips. And the best part of it was that they didn't intent that either. And that's why she is still trying to make up her one mistake to her parents."

"And how do you fit in with that?" Nyx wondered.

"Survivor guilt," House said simply.

"What do you mean?" Nyx wanted to know.

"She knows now how badly her rebellion could have ended," House explained. "She could have been raped – well, she sort of was as she didn't really want to be with that older guy, it was just part of the 'I need more problems in my life' –scenario -, she could have been introduced to drugs, she could have been killed. There is a plethora of things that could have happened to her and didn't. She got home very little worse for the wear and a little bit wiser. That is all. Now me, she thinks that I got more than I deserved for my 'rebellion' and she wants to somehow make it up to me possibly by rekindling my 'belief in humanity' or some such nonsense."

"You never had any belief in humanity," Nyx said.

"Not since I was eight," House confirmed.

"Do you think that you would have, had you been raised by your biological father?" Nyx returned to her first question.

"Do I think that John House would not have tried to fit me so hard into a mould I blatantly never could fit had he been my bio-dad," House asked. "Or are you asking if I would not have noticed that my real bio-dad was a philandering hypocrite had it been somehow possible for me to be raised by him?"

"Maybe I'm asking if you think you could have connected better with your Dad – whichever he was – had there been a biological connection as well," Nyx wondered.

"Assuming that I would still have been the same kid," House pondered. "Then: no. It was never the biology that was the issue. And being raised by a 'fundamentalist' military man is surely not that different from being raised by a 'fundamentalist' religious man. Neither take questioning their ideas, teachings and – most importantly – their judgement lightly. I've always had an inquiring mind; I have always needed to know. 'Because I say so' has never been a good argument for me."

"You use it often enough with your team," Nyx reminded him.

"Absolutely," House nodded. "And I expect them to question it. Even when I expect them to obey me."

"But you don't think obedience is that important either," Nyx smiled. "At least not your own."

"Now, who is it I'm supposed to obey?" House wondered. "I'm the boss!"

"Of your department," Nyx added. "But you're still on parole and there is Foreman."

"So aptly named, isn't he," House scoffed. "But he can only expect so much of me."

"Does he know how much – or little – he can expect?" Nyx sighed. "He seems to think that the ability to send you back in prison gives him an edge."

"Yeah, he does seem to think that," House agreed. "I wonder why?"

"Maybe he doesn't know you as well as he thinks he does," Nyx suggested. "Or he didn't get the full story about your added sentence."

"I'm fairly sure he doesn't know me as well as he thinks," House stated. "Or he thinks that prison is worse."

"It did nearly kill you," Nyx pointed out.

"Crossing a road can kill you, too," House pointed out.

"You don't really want to go back," Nyx maintained.

"No, I don't," House accepted. "I really don't want to go back. But I will it I have to. There are things that are worth it."

"But does Foreman know what those things are?" Nyx asked. "And do you? I mean, was a boxing match really one of them?"

"No, a boxing match really was not one of them," House said. "But then, I managed to get myself in there anyway."

"You conned Wilson and you conned Foreman," Nyx concluded. "You must be pleased with yourself."

"And how do you think I conned Foreman?" House was all innocence.

"You allowed him to think that he can be both your boss and your accomplice," Nyx explained. "He still needs to learn that blurring the lines doesn't work. Not between you two. He can't be your friend or your accomplice anymore. He used to enjoy your games but he can't be part of them now. Not if he wants you to take him seriously as your boss."

"He has already lost that game," House claimed. "I do appreciate his efforts to keep me out of prison, and I do understand that he can't get the board to give me what I want if I undermine his authority too much, but he really isn't my boss. He is the head of the hospital and I will co-operate as necessary – I do know how to cover my ass – but if not necessary, he is on his own."

"You used to be able to be friends with your boss and still respect her," Nyx whispered.

"And where did that get me?" House stated quietly. There was no bitterness to his voice, just a statement of facts.

"True," Nyx had to accept. "But you have to give Foreman some credit. He did get you out. And he can put you back in, if you rattle his cage too much. He does answer to the board and if you make him look like a fool in front of them he will send you back in, just to save face. You are aware of that?"

"Yes," House allowed. "But again, we come to the question: is it worth it?"

"In other words: you're screwed," Nyx sighed. "And so is Foreman."


	27. What price

**What price?**

"You do realise you ought to be in prison right now," Nyx commented.

"Yes, I'm well aware," House accepted.

"Next time you may well end up there," Nyx laboured the point.

"Possibly, but I was ready to go in this time, too, if necessary," House reminded her. "The results were worth the risk."

"Two lives saved," Nyx nodded. "And I'm not including the patient Foreman gave you. That's a third."

"Who is counting," House shrugged.

"Not Foreman, that's for sure," Nyx observed dryly. "You do know that you owe your freedom solely to Wilson's eloquence? Foreman was quite ready to send you back in prison."

"I do know," House accepted. "Foreman had dug a hole for both of us and I did expect to find us both in it. Me in prison him… well, minus a doctor who can bring in revenues."

"You believe you are beneficial to the reputation of the hospital even though you're a convict?" Nyx was surprised.

"I do have a reputation," House pointed out. "A sentence does not mean that I'm any less brilliant, just that I'm … Well, I'm not totally sure what it does say about me to the general public. That I'm less concerned with legality of things? Have issues with authority? Don't react well to being thwarted? Don't know how to deal with anger and frustration? Or all of the above. But even so, they still trust me as a doctor. And that is what translates to bucks for the hospital."

"You think that that is what made Foreman change his mind?" Nyx wondered.

"No way," House scoffed. "He drew the lines and left to his own devices he would have sent me to prison and that would have been that. I'm not sure what Wilson said to him, but somehow he made it seem like a failure to send me in. I do owe Wilson. Foreman had painted himself into a corner and there was no way out for me until Wilson intervened. I am well aware of that."

"But you had no way of knowing that Wilson would or could intervene," Nyx pondered. "And still you did it. And the last time you didn't even try to fool the monitor."

"Yeah, I know," House acknowledged. "But it was somewhat urgent and what price can you put on the life of a child?"

"But the child you took on wasn't alive anymore," Nyx reminded him. "No matter what price you put on his life, it was too late."

"But I didn't really risk my freedom when I worked on his case," House responded. "I only stepped out of line when I tested his little brother. He was alive."

"But might not have inherited the gene," Nyx stated.

"That was a risk I couldn't take," House uttered. "Not when it was much more likely that he had. He has just reached the age when his brother started to suffer the symptoms. There was no time to lose. Besides, the Dad needed his answers soon, too. He was already drinking himself into an early grave."

"He may still do that," Nyx suggested. "Just because he now knows why, doesn't mean that he can just shrug it off and go on with his life."

"Of course he can't just shrug it off," House agreed. "He lost his only kid! And then his wife. But now he knows what happened, he has even helped to make sure it won't happen again. He got closure. And though the pain will never entirely go away, it will become manageable and he can, indeed, get on with his life. Yeah, maybe he will need to join AA as well as anger management but now he has the desire to do that. He can allow himself to feel again."

"You don't know that for sure," Nyx said. "You won't be following his progress."

"True," House nodded. "And maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he will blow it after all. But that will be his choice; he isn't a prisoner of his past anymore. And no matter what happens, the little boy will live to be an adult. He, at least, has a future for sure now."

"So when you can, you will save the children, at least," Nyx concluded. "But you don't even like children that much."

"I'm ok with them," House said. "It's mostly their parents that I find irritating."

"Yet it was the parent who caught your attention first," Nyx mused.

"I know real pain when I see it," House replied. "And I could see that he didn't buy the platitudes we were served any better than I did."

"So you decided to do something about it?" Nyx queried.

"Since I was told to attend the sessions, I thought some good ought to come out of it," House shrugged.

"But you risked your freedom," Nyx pointed out. "That would not have been good."

"Maybe not for me," House corrected. "And had I failed, it would not have been good for anyone. Fortunately all's well that ends well."

"All's well that ends well?" Nyx repeated slowly. "Why do I get the feeling that you didn't learn a thing from this? Though Foreman nearly sent you to prison – and as I said only Wilson's eloquence kept you free – you are not going to be any more careful in future."

"I'm still on parole and wearing a monitor," House explained. "I will be as careful as I can. But if you are thinking that I should respect Foreman more – no way. He has shown his cards and used his aces. As long as I keep saving patients he can't send me in now."

"Said he smugly," Nyx commented – and sighed. "You will be in trouble again."

"I'm always in trouble," House stated. "But I can handle all the clinic Foreman thinks he can throw at me."

"Thinks he can throw at you?" Nyx questioned.

"I'll avoid it to the best of my ability, he will hound me to do them and in the end my team will do most of them," House shrugged.

"He knows that you will try to foist your hours on your team," Nyx indicated. "He used to work for you."

"Makes no difference," House claimed. "Cuddy, too, knew my team did my hours. Mostly she let it slide unless she had a specific reason why she wanted me to do my own job. Then she took the time to monitor me herself for a spell, but that never lasted for too long. Foreman, too, will learn that he doesn't have enough hours in a day to run this hospital and stay on top of me all the time. He needs to choose his battles – and he needs to learn what weapons he has and how to use them."

"And the ability to send you in prison is not one of his weapons?" Nyx marvelled.

"Sure it is," House insisted. "He just needs to understand that it's not such a big deterrent. It works for minor stuff, but not for anything truly important."

"Like the life of a child," Nyx concluded.

"Or any life," House corrected. "I know what to expect in prison. I know what things are worth risking it. Foreman doesn't. He thinks anyone would do anything to avoid going in, especially **back** in. Sure, I would prefer to stay outside, but some things are worth the risk."


	28. The price of everything

**The price of everything…**

"So this was Christmas," Nyx mused as she sipped some eggnog.

"And a happy new year," House retorted dryly taking his own glass and sipping from it: "Hey, I can taste this! You're not supposed to be able to taste things in your dreams."

"Says who?" Nyx asked. "I see no reason why you can't eat and drink in your dreams, if they are vivid enough. Or not a dream…"

"Not again," House warned her. "Either I'm dreaming or I'm bonkers and I refuse to entertain the latter option. So, ok, it's just a vivid dream. _Sláinte_!"

"Fine, if you want it that way," Nyx agreed. "_Sláinte_, yourself."

"So that's another season over," House observed.

"Well, this was still better than New Year last year," Nyx pointed out.

"If I remember correctly, it wasn't that different," House replied. "I was in infirmary then, too."

"It was your own fault," Nyx reminded him. "And you weren't a patient this year, so it is different. Plus this year you were free."

"Partially free," House corrected. "I'm still tied to home and work. But ok, I agree, this was different."

"And better?" Nyx suggested.

"Yeah, I suppose," House admitted grudgingly. "At least I had company of my own choice."

"Wilson was nice," Nyx agreed. "He didn't even grill you about the gun anymore."

"He couldn't," House smirked. "He knew that I would just have gloated more on his defeat."

"He could have insisted on examining it properly to see for sure it is a prop," Nyx said.

"He had that chance once already," House pointed out. "He didn't take it so now he'll just rather forget it."

"Why were you so adamant against him finding out about the gun?" Nyx wondered. "You could be sure that he wouldn't rat you out to the authorities…"

"Rat me out?" House repeated.

"I've been around quite a few years," Nyx replied repressingly. "But anyway, he wouldn't tell on you, so why not just tell him that you have your Dad's gun when the subject of a gun came up and be done with it?"

"Because that would not have been the end of it," House sighed. "When it comes to my Dad, Wilson never knows when to shut it."

"He didn't say anything about the sabre and surely he figured out where that came from," Nyx insisted.

"He might have, had it not been pointing at his throat when he first saw it," House said. "That kind of thing tends to distract you a bit. And by the time he did figure it out, he didn't know how to bring it up."

"Why not just bring it up?" Nyx asked.

"We're men, we don't just bring 'it' up, whatever 'it' may be, if it's about emotions," House explained. "Wilson may be willing to talk about feelings and he sure wants me to 'open up' and get 'in touch' with my problems, but even he needs to lead up to it somehow."

"And you're not willing to give him any openings," Nyx concluded. "Fair enough, I suppose. So you're just keeping your Dad in your closet and wait for it to explode?"

"Why would it explode?" House wondered. "My Dad is dead and – as Mom said – the war is now over. Whatever issues I had with him are over now and buried with him."

"It's not that easy and you know it, but since you are still in denial, there is no point in going on with this conversation," Nyx sighed. "I'll just have to wait for the closet to open on its own time."

"Don't hold your breath," House scoffed.

"I don't breathe, so that's not a problem," Nyx informed him. "So, you got out of prison and back into medicine. You are now behaving moderately well and only pushing boundaries to their limit and over, when you absolutely see no other way of getting what you need. You even show some respect to Foreman – not enough for him to notice, but enough to keep the board under the illusion that he can handle you."

"No point in giving him more trouble than he can handle right now," House stated. "He seems to be landing himself in hot water all by himself just fine."

"You mean his girlfriend?" Nyx asked. "The married woman. Why is that landing himself in hot water? Surely her marriage is her own look out? If all he wants is an affair then surely a married woman is ideal? Or are you getting all moral on me?"

"No, not really," House answered. "But getting involved with a married woman always brings more trouble with it than the affair is worth."

"How come?" Nyx wanted to know.

"Either she is spicing up her marriage, in which case you may find yourself at the receiving end of a fist," House observed. "Or she is looking for a way out of the marriage – which case may also result in an encounter with a fist, but then you will also receive a tearful lecture about how you ruined her marriage and led her to believe there was something more between you and – unless you're me – you end up feeling like a heel. Or you fall for her harder than you expected and she is the one who has to remind you that it was just an affair. Nothing serious."

"Been there?" Nyx queried.

"No," House stated shortly. "Or not quite. But close enough to know that married women are not a good idea."

"Are you going to do something about it?" Nyx asked.

"Nope," House uttered. "Foreman is no longer on my team. His performance isn't of vital importance to me anymore so he just has to make his own mistakes. Besides, if I learned anything from Taub, it's that it makes no difference how much you try to advice someone not to screw up their lives; they will do it anyway if they are so inclined. Nobody believes there will be consequences until there are."

"True enough," Nyx conceded. "But if you value the performance you get out of your team, why are you so mean to Park? She is rather brilliant and a very hard worker without any added motivation from you, because she has just been raised that way."

"Well, first of all, it amuses me," House started. "Also, if I screw with her I automatically screw with Adams as well. It doesn't work the other way around, cause Park just doesn't care enough about Adams' reactions or opinion. Park is smart and works very hard, so she expects respect for that. What she needs to learn is that you don't always get what you expect, or even what you work for."

"In other words, you don't always get what you want," Nyx concluded. "But I would have thought Adams is the one who needs that lesson more. Park is pretty well grounded on reality."

"She is," House agreed. "But she comes from a culture where respect, face, is the currency. She needs to learn that everywhere else currency is what gets you respect."

"Not everything is up for sale, you know," Nyx admonished him.

"True," House accepted. "But the safest default position is to assume that everything has a price tag. Or at least is conditional in some way."

"But how do you know what the price or condition is?" Nyx asked.

"You don't," House shrugged. "Not until you are expected to pay. And that is what you need to be prepared for: the unexpected price. Because sooner or later you will be expected to pay."


	29. Loved ones

**Loved ones**

"You were right again," Nyx observed.

"Nope," House denied. "It was Foreman who got the diagnosis."

"And feeling superior he freed you from the ankle monitor," Nyx said.

"Well, that was the original plan," House agreed. "But it didn't work that way."

"Except that it did in the end," Nyx pointed out.

"Got lucky," House shrugged.

"Really?" Nyx sounded sceptical. "Are you quite sure?"

"What do you mean?" House asked.

"I find it hard to believe that Foreman got it and you didn't when you both had exactly the same information," Nyx explained.

"Had I been able to search their house I'm sure I would have solved the case without delay," House stated. "As it was, I was satisfied with the diagnosis we reached. I was wrong and had Foreman not come up with the right diagnosis we would have realised that soon enough. Foreman would have authorised the search and we would have solved the case then."

"That still doesn't tell me why you didn't reach the same conclusion as Foreman did given that you both had the same information," Nyx said. "And I have to wonder if that really is what happened."

"I don't know what you're talking about," House frowned.

"I wonder if you consciously missed the diagnosis or was it your subconscious that was at work," Nyx mused.

"Aren't you supposed to be my subconscious?" House wondered. "So aren't you supposed to be the one to tell me – if you are right about your suspicions, that is. I could have been just wrong you know."

"That is a possibility," Nyx admitted. "You were distracted by the asexual couple. And though the symptoms of Foreman's patient were interesting enough, you didn't think curing him was that important."

"As he was already a dead man walking," House shrugged. "I didn't see why a fairly quick way of dying was preferable over a slow and painful death. And not just for him. So it is possible that I wasn't giving my all to the case. Not even to solve a puzzle. Puzzles, after all, can be solved after death as well."

"You think Foreman was wrong in bringing the case to you?" Nyx asked.

"No," House shook his head. "No he wasn't wrong. He didn't really have a choice. A patient has an absolute right to treatment even if the treatment will just delay the inevitable."

"Maybe the drug they are testing will help him," Nyx suggested.

"It may slow down the deterioration of his brain," House shrugged. "It may even give him more good days than he has now. But it won't repair the damage the Alzheimer's has already done. His wife may think that he is still there, somewhere under all the symptoms, but she is wrong. He is gone. It's just some memories of him that are alive. She doesn't have a marriage anymore, she only has a patient."

"But she loves him," Nyx declared. "He is still her husband to her."

"He is a loved one," House corrected. "But not a husband. And it's tearing her apart."

"You have always preferred concentrating on the living over the dead," Nyx sighed.

"But you're still supposed to choose your patient, even over the living," House pointed out.

"And when have you done what you're supposed to?" Nyx scoffed. "Sure, when the patient has a chance to live longer and there is still some quality to the life to be lived, you do your best for the patient – you can even get angry at any patient who wants to check out early – but when there is no hope you side with the living."

"Is that wrong?" House queried. "Most doctors become doctors to save lives, after all."

"You became a doctor to solve puzzles," Nyx reminded him. "Though the side effect is that lives are saved." Nyx stared at him for a moment in silence. "Do you think he did it on purpose?"

"Did what?" House lost the thread of the conversation for a moment.

"Ran away," Nyx said. "And nearly killed himself."

"You think the hypothermia was actually an attempted suicide," House pondered the question. "Alzheimer patients do occasionally have moments of clarity when they know exactly what is happening to them. Sometimes those moments last long enough for them to know what the illness is doing to their family as well. If he had a moment like that, and he realised that the woman of his dreams was being tied to his body – not even him, just his physical manifestation – for years while her life and any chance she might have for a real family pass her by, he might very well have preferred death. Hypothermia isn't a bad way to go. I hear it is actually quite pleasant."

"So you think that was what he was trying to do?" Nyx asked again.

"We have no way of knowing," House stated. "A romantic might like to think he would make that kind of sacrifice for her, given what she has sacrificed for him. But I'm not a romantic. If he wanted to end it all, it was for himself. Which I can understand given that he was facing a future of living out his life in a strange land with strange people who will eventually speak a strange language that he won't understand."

"But you would approve if that was what he was doing?" Nyx observed.

"Yes," House nodded. "Given the future he can expect, ending it sooner rather than later makes sense. Sure, with the drug trial he might have more days worth living left, but not that many moments of clarity and opportunities to end it. On the other hand, he might have just wandered off and not tried to kill himself. I'm ok with that, too."

"But you think that the wife ought to go on with her life?" Nyx uttered.

"What he needs is someone who cares and makes medical decisions for him," House concluded. "She gives him that. The only reason she shouldn't have a guy on the side is the expectations and moral norms of the society. Those won't make her happy nor do they help her endure."

"People will say she is selfish or callous," Nyx mused.

"Only those who are naïve," House shrugged. "Those who have been in her shoes or can imagine what it is like to be in her shoes, won't judge."

"But judging is what people do best," Nyx pointed out. "You should know."

"True," House acknowledged. "People tend to forget how much they have the right to expect from other people."

"But so many do make sacrifices," Nyx insisted. "Both these wives were willing to make sacrifices for the man they had chosen. One was willing to live without sex – or at least sex with a partner; and your patient's wife was willing to stay with her man even though she just found out that he can and most probably will become physically abusive in time, when his fits of aggression get worse. Neither was asked to make the sacrifice both just did it."

"There is social expectation, too," House stated. "But you are right, they made their choice. But what you are willing to do and what the other has a right to expect is not the same thing."

"That is true," Nyx agreed. "And the living have rights too, not just the dying."

"And there are plenty of people willing to tell you what the rights of the dying are," House expressed. "But hardly anyone is interested in the rights of the living. You need to look after yourself because nobody else will do it for you."


	30. Sisyphus

**Sisyphus**

"So was Jimmy right?" Nyx queried. "Was it a question of a road not taken?"

"No," House sighed. "More like a road-not-even-an-option. She could leave her mother because her father, the parent she loved, was dead. And, unlike Chase, she didn't have anyone else depending on her."

"Yes, I did think her situation was more like Chase's than yours," Nyx nodded. "Plus, leaving your parent when he has taken you to a foreign country – and can mobilise actual military to look for you – is not that easy."

"Besides, I got out eventually," House shrugged. "Also, what damage was done was done well before I was old enough to run away. So no, I wasn't feeling any kinship with my patient because of that."

"But you did stand up for her against her mother," Nyx mused. "Why? If it wasn't for the reason Jimmy thought."

"The mother was an addict," House shrugged. "What other reason would I need?"

"But she is clean now," Nyx reminded him. "The social services were happy with what they saw."

"And the social services are renowned for their perspicacity," House scorned. "She is an addict. It really is as simple as that."

"You don't believe someone can recover from an addiction?" Nyx wondered.

"No," House stated firmly. "Maybe she will manage to postpone her lapse to infinity, but that is highly unlikely and even then she is still an addict. She has no right to make her child watch and wait to see if today is the day she will fall."

"Is that what you empathized with?" Nyx realised. "You know what it is like to wait for the axe to fall. Because you always wait for it to fall."

"I am an addict," House said. "It works both ways."

"No, it's not just that," Nyx disbelieved him. "Yes, you did go through that when you came back from Mayfield; you were sober for so long and it did seem like you finally were rewarded for your efforts when Cuddy chose you over Lucas. But even then, you were waiting for her to end it all, to open her eyes and see 'the addict' and not you. And you were waiting for the time when you were finally just too much 'House' and she decided that you had failed her. And you always knew you would fail her and you were waiting to fail her and it was all so complicated that in the end it seemed like just being the addict was easier. Everyone knew where they were supposed to be, how they were supposed to act and not to expect anything. Yes, in that sense it does go both ways; the addict expects to fail and is just waiting for it to happen. Those who are close to him wait for him to fail them, to fall back on the addiction and it is just so exhausting for all. But though that is all true, that is not all of it. You feel now that you are the one, who fails others, but first – long before your addiction – you learned to wait for others to fail you. It is true that you are not a child of an addict, unless you count total dedication to one's career an addiction, but your father still failed you in many ways. As many ways as your patient's mother failed her. Just differently."

"That's a lot of rationalization," House observed. "Especially as I went a bit further than just fall back on my addiction."

"But that's just it," Nyx explained. "You went back to the role everyone was expecting of you; you totally embraced their expectations and still it wasn't enough. They still expected more from you, some strange change that they couldn't even properly articulate. You did what they wanted and still things didn't go back to what they had been. So you snapped. When in doubt, you always self- destruct."

"It's my default position," House agreed ruefully. "Not that I accept your reading of the situation. But yes, I am self-destructive, it's obvious. I am an addict, no denying that. Sure, I'm also in pain which makes getting over the addiction a bit more difficult; where is the line between enough painkillers and too much when the pain goes away only after too much."

"That is what you patient's mother felt," Nyx said. "Shouldn't you feel sympathy towards a fellow sufferer?"

"She had a child," House replied. "She should have built some tolerance for pain and not try to dull it. Someone depended on her. Sure, she lost her husband but her daughter lost both her parents."

"You have patients depending on you," Nyx mentioned.

"And even high I'm better than most other doctors," House shrugged. "Also that is why I have a team. They are there to see to it that I don't go too far."

"Do they know when you go too far?" Nyx wondered. "They are so used to your methods by now that they might just trust you too much. Especially since you are right most of the time."

"That's why I have new blood in the team," House shrugged. "Especially Adams ought to be able to voice her doubts. Park, too, trusts her own judgement and isn't afraid to argue with me."

"They all argue," Nyx stated. "But they all also fall in line. And if they don't you manipulate them so that you still get what you think is best – and at the same time you teach them that no point in arguing with you as you will find a way to get your way anyhow."

"She was risking the patient's life and health with her rose coloured glasses," House scoffed. "She knew the girl didn't want to have anything to do with her mother and didn't trust the social services. Had we called them then, she would have bolted before we had a chance to figure out what was wrong with her. This way she at least got too sick to bolt before Adam's 'cavalry' arrived."

"And once she was well enough to survive outside the hospital," Nyx sighed. "She proved you right and bolted."

"She was a smart girl," House uttered. "She knew what she wanted and she had a pretty good plan on how to get it. She didn't need to live in fear to fulfil her dreams."

"Would it really have been that bad?" Nyx wondered.

"Why don't you ask Chase?" House suggested.

"His mother never got sober," Nyx pointed out.

"But his sister did," House countered.

"He is talking to her again," Nyx recapped.

"Very cautiously," House clarified. "He is still keeping an ocean and a continent between them."

"I suppose" Nyx acknowledged.

"And he seems to have made some kind of commitment to me," House pondered. "Not as complete nor as constraining as with family, but somehow it is still binding him. He didn't practice medicine when I was in prison. Yet, he can't be blind to my addiction."

"Maybe he thinks you handle it better?" Nyx ventured.

"I've been to a mental institution and prison," House laughed. "That's not handling it. Unless he thinks that just staying alive is 'handling it better' – but even so, he has to see how destructive it is to me and everyone around me."

"It is possible that he thinks that the good outweighs the bad," Nyx speculated. "You save lives nobody else seems to be able to save and they all seem to think you are some kind of Wizard or god of medicine."

"God doesn't limp," House sneered.

"Hephaestus does," Nyx said.

"But he is ugly!" House claimed.

"That he is," Nyx laughed out loud. "But even so, there is dignity. That is something you have in common."

"Nope," House stated seriously. "I try to do better, I do worse. I try to leave, but I always come back. I tread water most of the time. Except when I sink and take whoever is too close with me. There is no dignity unless you can see dignity in Sisyphus."

"But I can," Nyx told him gently.


	31. Blame

**Blame**

"He couldn't change his mind once he had stated it for the record!" House argued.

"I didn't say anything," Nyx insisted. "In fact I haven't said anything at all since you sat down next to me."

"I was safe," House said. "My outburst was not risky."

"I agree," Nyx nodded. "As far as Cofield was concerned. You are right; once he had stated his decision he couldn't change it. Not with so many witnesses and when it was being recorded – by himself, too."

"He was a coward," House muttered.

"Did you want to go back to prison?" Nyx asked.

"No, of course not," House sighed. "But he didn't stay up all night trying to decide my fate. He lost no sleep over me. It was Foreman."

"You think he was trying to find a way to be ok with your work – and you - so that he wouldn't be the one who lost Foreman his job as the Dean?" Nyx pondered. "That does actually sound plausible. And the almost widow gave him a perfect excuse: the end justified the means."

"Yes, she got there just in the nick of time," House stated. "Half an hour later and I would have been on my way back to the slammer. But he was wrong. The end does not justify the means."

"But isn't that how you practice medicine?" Nyx queried. "You do whatever is necessary to find the cause so that you can cure the patient. How is that not the end justifying the means?"

"What I do is risky," House stated. "Which is why I only take patients that nobody else can help. But the validity of my method cannot depend on the end because sometimes bad things happen. Sometimes I'm too late or there is no cure or I just fail. I believe that when conventional means have been used to no effect then you need to try the unconventional. But you cannot judge the method good only when it saves lives and bad when it kills. I'm either right in my choice or I'm wrong. I believe I am right, but if you disagree with me, then disagree with me honestly. Cofield believed that I and my methods are dangerous, reckless, callous and I ought to go back to prison. That was his true opinion. He wanted to protect Foreman but had enough integrity not to do it without some kind of justification. Chase didn't die and I found the cause for his paralysis; the patient was diagnosed and will live, too. Cofield decided that these results gave him enough justification to save Foreman's career. He didn't want to feel bad nor did he want to risk his friendship with Foreman. He made a perfectly reasonable decision based on his findings and he went back on his own judgement so that he wouldn't be the bad guy."

"He cares," Nyx observed.

"He shouldn't," House countered. "Not to the extent of having his judgement impaired."

"You think he sold his principles," Nyx concluded.

"Or doesn't really have any," House scorned. "At least not when it comes to medicine"

"And you only have principles for medicine," Nyx smiled. "And not for much else."

"Most people who claim to have principles don't actually follow them," House pointed out. "Many don't even try and definitely will chuck them when they become burdensome. Those aren't principles; those are just society imposed conventions that aren't really something you have owned as yours. I may not have many principles, but at least I'm not hypocrite enough to claim to have them."

"So what principles you have you keep," Nyx stated. "And you don't explain them nor do you even expect others to recognise them. Maybe you just didn't recognise Cofield's principles?"

"I did," House claimed. "His higher principle was 'don't be the bad guy'. He thinks I'm dangerous, unprincipled, unethical and callous ex-con who ought not to practise medicine. Especially the kind of medicine that I do practise. If that was his honest, considered opinion then he should have acted on that even at the cost of his friend's career. He is a doctor. His highest principle ought to be the good of the patients."

"So Foreman made a good choice when he asked Cofield to act as the arbiter," Nyx observed. "He saved both your behinds."

"I suppose I'm lucky that we are joined at the hip for now," House stated dryly. "Nobody can spank me without spanking him as well."

"He can," Nyx suggested.

"Foreman?" House nearly laughed.

"Good point," Nyx conceded. They sat in silence for a moment. "Why did you say 'sorry' to Chase? Do you really believe it was your fault?"

"I did start it," House acknowledged.

"But you have started 'it' many times before," Nyx reminded him. "He has never got hurt before. Well, not badly. And the last time you went a bit too far, he just hit you."

"This time he wanted to hit my ego," House explained. "It is a big target, after all."

"But he was stupid," Nyx insisted. "By all means, take the biopsy, but if the patient is expected to have a psychotic episode, knock him out first and then break out the scalpel. You know it was his own fault. He endangered himself and the patient and Adams. He got lucky that he didn't die."

"Yes, I do know," House sighed.

"Then why apologize?" Nyx wanted to know.

"I was following Cofield's advice," House shrugged.

"To make Chase feel better?" Nyx raised both her eyebrows in question. "I don't think so. I don't believe that was why you did it."

House didn't say anything for quite some time. Then he just sighed again: "He blames himself enough for things that he had no control over. I just felt he didn't need one more thing on his list, even if this was one of the things that should be there."

"And you feel he needs some other target for his anger than himself," Nyx decided. "Did it help?"

"Nope," House said. "It worked exactly as well as it did with Wilson when I apologized to him on Cuddy's advice. There must be something wrong with my apologies."

"No, there is nothing wrong with your apologies," Nyx insisted. "But the situations just are more complicated than that."

"Wilson blamed me in a sense," House ruminated. "Not for the accident. It was just an accident, after all. Nobody could have foreseen it. But he blamed me for creating an atmosphere where Amber could be in the bus with me. Wilson was my enabler, so calling him to get me at night was ok. We had made it ok between us. Amber got caught in that and she died. Chase blames me for the atmosphere as well. I push his buttons and he feels he can retaliate. Most bosses don't accept retaliation."

"But he has chosen to come back to this 'atmosphere' twice already," Nyx recalled. "Of his own free will. He might defend coming back once, because Cameron was a factor in that as well, and he didn't really have any time to be away from you. But this second time, he was away from you for a full year. He had time to figure out what he wants and who he wants to be. This 'atmosphere' shouldn't get to him enough to make him dangerously reckless."

"Ever since he killed the Tyrant he has got more self destructive," House sighed. "He is reckless because he doesn't care. Now he is angry because he almost got Adams killed as well. He feels guilty and angry and he needs someone to blame or he will do something even more reckless."

"So you volunteered as the scapegoat?" Nyx asked.

"I can handle it," House shrugged. "Besides, it gave me an excuse to go and see how he was doing."

"You do know that he will punish you for caring," Nyx volunteered.

"Because he doesn't think he deserves it," House nodded. "I know. But what can I do? He is part of my team."

"Your family, you mean," Nyx smiled.

"Nah, families suck," House stated. "Though, so does my team, come to think of it."


	32. Not wrong

**Not wrong**

Walter Cofield woke up with a start. Or at least that was his initial assumption. When he looked around he started to suspect that he was just dreaming of waking up. He was in his own bedroom, but somehow there was an ethereal quality to his surroundings; also there was no light but he could see everything. It was like the darkness had become visible. Near his bed he could see the comfortable chair he sometimes read in before going to bed – someone was sitting in it: an old man, bent and somewhat shrivelled but still dignified and the wisdom of age – possibly even ages – was in his eyes.

"What…?" Cofield didn't quite know what he was supposed to say, if anything.

"Did you think that after your decision you would sleep well?" The old man asked. "And without dreams?"

"My decision was not wrong," Cofield defended.

"As opposed to 'right' you mean?" was the question.

"Who are you?" Cofield demanded. "And what do you know about the hearing."

"I'm Geras," the man introduced himself. "And I know everything you know – this is your dream, after all."

"Geras?" Cofield frowned. "Old Age?"

"Indeed," Geras nodded. "I ought to be accompanied with Wisdom, but she had to do her hair." His eyes twinkled with mischief causing Cofield to frown in confusion. No way did this come from his subconscious. Geras' smile just widened.

"My decision was justified," Cofield got back to the point. "Dr Chase will walk and the teacher will be fine. Even his wife was fine with House in the end."

"But those things happened after you had already made up your mind about House and his methods," Geras observed. "The almost widow – wasn't that what House called her? – made you change your mind. I'm not saying you were wrong in your final decision, but I am wondering why you really made it."

"Are you questioning my motives," Cofield was indignant.

"House wondered why Foreman wanted his old mentor to judge his new mentor," Geras mused. "But I'm wondering why you agreed to?"

"Why would I need any other reason than that Eric Foreman asked me?" Cofield demanded.

"I'm sure you were happy to oblige a fellow doctor and a former student," Geras agreed effusively. "But I'm also quite sure you were more than eager to see the man who had supplanted you."

"I have no idea what you are talking about," Cofield huffed. "I was naturally curious to meet Dr House, he does have a reputation for both good and bad. He is an interesting person. But if you are suggesting that I'm jealous or something then you couldn't be more wrong. I'm proud of Foreman, that a former student of mine has become the dean of medicine of such a reputable hospital."

"But he is no longer known as your student," Geras pointed out. "Everyone remembers that he trained under House. And his influence has been much stronger. No student of yours would ever have been fired from New York Mercy for the reason Foreman was."

"House does seem to foster recklessness in his teams," Cofield coughed up. "But Eric saved the patient."

"But you still didn't approve of his actions," Geras ventured.

"Had he been wrong he would have killed her," Cofield replied. "There are reasons for protocols."

"But sometimes protocols kill," Geras stated. "And then, as a patient, you definitely hope that you have a doctor who can recognise when the protocol is a hindrance and not a help, and who has the guts to live up to his convictions."

"That way lays anarchy," Cofield warned. "We can't have doctors throwing away the book when they think they are so smart that they don't need it. The guidelines and protocols and proper procedures are in place for a reason. You don't use patients as guinea pigs; you don't practice medicine by following your gut; you need evidence, test results and images. You meet with the patient, get history and observe the symptoms yourself. House is unsafe! He thinks he is so smart that he can do anything he wants. Nobody is that smart and he is a bad example to the other doctors in the hospital who will think they, too, are so smart that they don't need to follow rules and safety protocols. He almost got Dr Chase killed!"

"If that is your honest opinion," Geras pondered. "Why is he not back in prison right now? Why did you rule it as nobody's fault?"

"I don't know," Cofield sighed. "I didn't want to jeopardise Eric's career. I was trying to find something, anything that could make House's method acceptable. I was up all night trying to figure out what I needed to do. House has been lucky; his success rate is phenomenal. But he creates chaos. And he teaches chaos to others, who are most likely never going to be as lucky as he is."

"So you had, with great regret, decided to destroy Foreman's career and send Dr House back in prison, when the correct diagnosis of his patient and his correct diagnosis of Dr Chase, gave you that one key fact that you could use to save your former student," Geras concluded. "You were there to judge Dr House, because you wanted to judge him. You wanted to find him flawed and you wanted to hold him up to Foreman as flawed and not worthy of his admiration. You were deliberately messing with Dr Chase's mind when you questioned him. You were trying to make him doubt House; maybe not his skills as a diagnostician – you could hardly do that, as Dr Chase could feel for himself that House had got it right again – but you wanted him to doubt House as a human being."

"House may be brilliant," Cofield accepted. "But he is a callous jerk who shouldn't be a doctor."

"Many of his former patients would disagree with that," Geras pointed out. "As would Dr Chase and Eric. You wanted to knock him down from his pedestal but you found that you couldn't. Because he wasn't on one. He was just right. His team knows him both as a doctor and as a human being, and they don't care if he doesn't care. They are there to care for the patient, he is there to figure out how to save them. You disliked him from the start because Eric values him more than he ever valued you and your conflict was not about his method; you had good reasons to find it unsafe and objectionable. You conflict was about your own emotions and motives: were you sending him back to prison because you truly believed he was a bad and dangerous doctor or were you sending him in as revenge for 'stealing' your student from you? You wanted to be Eric's 'hero' again, but you also wanted to be sure you weren't punishing House for the wrong reasons. So though you had found House's methods objectionable and unsafe and you had already decided his fate, you changed your mind at the last minute. Not because you believed your original decision was wrong, but because you weren't sure why you had decided that House was at fault."

"I believe in innocent until proven guilty," Cofield insisted.

"That was why you were asked to examine the case," Geras reminded him. "To prove innocence or guilt. You were satisfied with the proof and your conclusions until you actually had to pronounce the sentence."

"There was still some room for doubt," Cofield tried to claim.

"Dr Adams believed that it was her fault," Geras listed. "And Dr Taub stated that he was willing to put the blame on Dr Chase. Nobody blamed House. Except you."

"That was how the case presented itself to me," Cofield asserted. "He was in charge of the case; he is the first in line when things go wrong. He is the one who either makes or breaks the team. Of course he was the one who was under scrutiny."

"And yet you decided in his favour," Geras stressed. "And not because you were doing what you believed was right, but because you doubted yourself and your reasons."

"My judgement was not impaired," Colefield maintained. "My decision was not wrong."

"As opposed to right?" Geras asked again. "House called you a coward." Geras got up from the chair he had been sitting in. He looked Cofield in the eyes for a moment before he turned to leave. He went to the door and before he walked through it, he turned to look at Cofield again: "He was not wrong."


	33. To know that you're there

**To know that you're there**

The night after his Nun had decided to go back to her cloister, Chase opened his eyes to find a White Lady sitting on his bed leaning against the headboard. They had met before in his dreams so he recognised her immediately: "Death!"

"You didn't think you could knock on my door at will and I wouldn't come out to play?" Death asked.

"I don't know why I see you now," Chase muttered. "I'm fine now, no longer dying or anything. I'm ok."

"Yeah, completely ok, cause 'it's enough to know that I'm here', right?" Death mocked. "Isn't that how you brushed off everyone?"

"What else was I supposed to say to them?" Chase asked. "They wanted to talk about it, but I didn't – still don't – see the point. Talking won't change anything."

"What would in your opinion?" Death queried. "I mean, you all reacted in your typical ways: you started to drink and sleep around – or more so than before at least; Taub took self-defence classes; Adams decided to do everything by the book from now on; and Park became scared of everything – well, she was rather timid to begin with, so that is hardly surprising. And what did all that achieve? You didn't feel any better and eventually fell in love with a Nun who decided to return to the cloister after a near death experience. And just so you know, don't dare to pin that on me! I don't tell people how to react to me, it's a choice you make in life and therefore not in my domain. But anyway, you got hurt. Taub tried to stay three steps ahead of House and found out that when you try to stay ahead of everything, then anything can sneak up on you from behind – and he got hurt. Adams found that going by the book means you have to rat on your friends and though she may still think it was the right thing to do it still hurts to betray a friend and see the disappointment and accusation in his eyes; also she will definitely find out that she can't go by the book for long when she works for House. Park found out that being afraid will paralyse her as a doctor and she has to overcome her fear and start trusting herself and her training – even if she needs someone to help her with it until she has faked it often enough for it to become real. She is the only one who actually learned something. To accept help from friends!"

"You think I should pour my heart out to Adams or Park then?" Chase demanded.

"Good heavens, no," Death dismissed the idea. "I know talking isn't your strong suit – though you could try a therapist. Or you could accept that House does know what he is talking about and just listen to him. Bad things do happen. They aren't anybody's fault they just happen. Same as good things. Just listen to him and think about it. Then, when you're good and ready, you talk with someone. Like you did with Hadley about Dibala."

"Thirteen isn't here now," Chase pointed out. "Can't really talk to her."

"You wouldn't have chosen her either, had she not been through something similar and needed your help as much as you needed to tell someone," Death told him. "You don't know who will be the right person and when is the right time until both present themselves. Right now you certainly can't talk to Adams, because she still blames you. She doesn't want to blame you, because it was her idea that you were willing to prove and she did stay there with you approving your actions and you did save her life. But that is her rational side talking. Her emotions still believe that House's pranks made you lose objectivity and you screwed up."

"Is that what you think, too?" Chase asked.

"This is your dream," Death stated. "I only know what you know, so if you think I'm blaming you, it can only be because you blame yourself."

"Why should I blame myself?" Chase set his jaw against the possibility. "It was House who decided to use the drugs that caused the psychotic episode."

"And you all knew that that was a possibility," Death reminded him. "One in three actually, which is pretty a pretty high probability. I understand that you wanted to hit House where it hurts – or where you think it would hurt him, but I'm sure you have already figured out that his ego is not nearly as vulnerable as one would think. Though it is a huge target. But though I do understand the temptation, I don't quite understand your hurry. You could have waited until the diagnostic trial was over."

"You think I was wrong," Chase said.

"You know you were wrong," Death replied. "There is no question about it now. Did you make a mistake? A small one, yes. This time. You didn't need to hurry with the biopsy, you could have waited. On the other hand, there may be a time in the future where you need to go against House or he will cut a little girl in half or something equally bad. House is well aware that his medication, his pain and his ways of dealing with it, may – and probably will – eventually compromise his mind. He knows that he needs a team that will stop him when that happens. And you need to know that you can and will do it, when it happens. So you were wrong, this time, but you didn't make a mistake."

"That doesn't really make sense," Chase mumbled.

"But you still understand what I'm talking about," Death smiled.

"I suppose," Chase admitted. "But I'm not sure I want to be his keeper."

"How about his replacement?" Death ventured.

"No!" Chase's reaction was immediate.

"Really?" Death didn't sound convinced. "You know that you went surfing when he was gone because only he allows you to practise the kind of medicine you want to. Maybe you don't want to replace him, maybe you just want to learn everything you can and then, when you have made sure there is someone else who will stop him if needed, you will leave and create your own reputation. And when that reputation is solid enough, you will start your own diagnostics team somewhere else. But you must understand: you are a lot like him and not just as a doctor. Learn from his mistakes and not only the medical ones. If you want to be a doctor like him you have to dedicate your life to that almost as totally as you would have dedicated your life to God had you had the faith to go through with your vows. It is bound to be a lonely road to some extend even if it doesn't have to be as lonely as his."

"My Father was as good as House, though his speciality was different," Chase observed. "He wasn't lonely."

"He was selfish," Death stated. "House knows – he knew even before the fiasco with Cuddy – that his 'god' is a jealous god and won't allow for a family or other commitments. Your Father made himself the 'god' and when he found something unsatisfactory, even when he was the one at fault, he took the easy way out. You were left to hold the bucket. Quite literally, too. He never believed anything was his fault."

"You are right about that," Chase agreed with feeling.

"House, however, is not your Father," Death presented.

"I never…" Chase started to deny.

"Sure?" Death doubted. "You have definitely treated him like he was. And it is time to let go. Mistakes happen, so do accidents. Good things happen too, though sometimes what is a good thing for someone else isn't what you want to happen. But everyone survived; everyone can try to do better the next time."

"And bad things will still happen," Chase sighed.

"As will good things," Death asserted. "Go back to work. It is what you love anyway."

"What about House?" Chase wondered. "I haven't accepted his apology. I don't even think he should have apologised to me. But I don't want to apologise to him."

"When has House ever liked to talk about these things?" Death asked him. "Just go back and wing it. If he's ok with you, then be ok yourself. Don't make it into too big a deal. He won't."

"I suppose," Chase allowed. "And I can't really delay it much longer anyway. I just have to go back and get it over with. It will be ok after a day or two."

"Exactly!" Death approved. "But when you go back to the old, do try not to knock on my door again, ok? I will come out when I'm good and ready."

"I'll try to be more careful," Chase smiled. Then he said seriously: "After all, it is enough to know that you are there."

"It is for most people," Death confirmed.


	34. Stuck

**Stuck**

"About what you said today in that office…" House turned to Dominika.

"I told you, not to vorry," Dominika shrugged. "I lied."

"Yes, you already made that clear," House agreed. "But I wasn't going to warn you about me."

"Then vat?" Dominika was puzzled.

"I wanted to say: thank you," House stated. "You came up with probably the only thing that saved our hides."

"No need to thanks," Dominika smiled. "I did not vant to go back to Ukrraine."

"I know you weren't unselfishly trying to sacrifice yourself," House nodded. "But I still thank you."

"Then I also need to thank you," Dominika stated. "You could have saved yourself alone. You could have said I trricked you or that ve married for real but found out that ve vere mistaken in ourr feelings. I vould have been sent back home but you vould not have gone in prrison."

"That wouldn't have been fair," House said. "We got into this together. Thanks for getting us out together as well."

"It is not overr," Dominika warned. "And I didn't mean to make you live vith me."

"No help for that," House stated. "And I definitely prefer you to my roommate in prison."

"Good to hear," Dominika smiled. "I'm going to bed. Coming?"

"No," House shook his head.

"I do not vant to make you do something you do not vant to," Dominika frowned in puzzlement. "But if the Man comes in to check on us, ve cannot sleep in separrate rooms."

"I know," House sighed. "But right now my leg is acting up. I'm going to walk it a bit, take a few drinks and see if it will ease up."

"Ok," Dominika didn't sound too convinced but there was no point in arguing.

"She's right, you know," Nyx told House as soon as he had dozed off on the couch.

"About the sleeping arrangements?" House asked.

"That," Nyx nodded. "And that she owed you thanks as well."

"As I told her, we got into this together," House said. "I can't say that I was any less culpable. It wasn't like I married her to do her a favour; I married her to stick it to Cuddy. I couldn't let her be the only one who had to pay for it."

"Didn't stop you from accepting her money, though!" Nyx reminded him.

"That was her idea," House defended himself. "And she could afford it. She is apparently quite the businesswoman."

"Smarter than you believed?" Nyx suggested.

"More cunning," House corrected. "I didn't really pay much attention to her smartness when we first met. Not that I thought she was stupid, she would not have survived this far were she stupid."

"True," Nyx agreed. "Ukraine is not the easiest country to live in today. Nor is it easy to come alone to a completely new country and completely new culture and not get gobbled up. Trust the wrong person and you are neck deep in trouble."

"I don't think she really trusts anyone that much," House observed. "She certainly knows how to work her assets without promising something she isn't willing to deliver."

"A skill a girl with her looks had better learn fast," Nyx pondered. "Especially …"

"Yeah," House nodded.

"So, how do you think you two will go on now?" Nyx asked. "Though going back to Ukraine isn't something she wants, you do have more to lose. Is she going to call the shots?"

"She's hot," House stated.

"Does that give her the right to be, now what was it that your patient said?" Nyx tried to recall. "Something about being 'the man of the house', wasn't it?"

"No," House said. "But she is hot. Which does give her an edge. I mean, It's not that easy to argue with a hot girl who jumps up and down in your home. And cooks like a dream, too. Besides, I'm not going to be home that much."

"Unless you have a case and have to be at the hospital, you have to spend at least most of your time with her," Nyx told him ruefully. "Unfortunately she really is your ball and chain for the next six months."

"Damn," House sighed. "You're right. I just acquired a new electronic monitor! Though it does work both ways. She has to stay here, too. Most of the time."

"Yeah," Nyx got thoughtful. "How is her boyfriend going to react to her suddenly much more binding marriage? And where is he?"

"She hasn't mentioned him," House frowned. "Maybe she has changed boyfriends. It's been two years. And her business is bound to take up a lot of her time. However, it doesn't really matter. We are now stuck in this situation and whoever her boyfriend is, if there is one, he has to stay out of sight."

"How are you going to play it then?" Nyx asked. "Between you two?"

"I think we'll just have to play it by the ear," House assumed. "Not much we can plan here. Just be ready for an inspection, at any time. This really is sounding more and more like prison. Except that I do prefer Dominika as a cell mate. I suppose she is the one who really has to carry the burden of convincing the bureaucrats, so she better take the lead in this."

"Why is it more her business?" Nyx wondered.

"Because she is hot," House said – again.

"Your conversation is really limited this night," Nyx admonished. "She does have other attributes than her appearance. She is fun, for one."

"I know," House agreed. "Or at least she has been so far. But, like it or not, her defining quality as far as this marriage is concerned is that she is hot. Nobody, at least no male, and come to think of it, nor any female who knows me, will wonder why I would want to keep her around. But she will have to convince the immigration that she sees qualities in a grumpy cripple that make her love him. That to her I really am more than just a ticket to the Green Card."

"You are a doctor," Nyx ventured. "You save lives."

"And even the people whose lives I save don't like me," House pointed out.

"She comes from Ukraine," Nyx said. "Women there appreciate maturity in men. And are more used to traditional roles."

"That might make me like her," House pointed out. "Who wouldn't like a hot woman who serves him hand and foot. But that does not explain why she would want me. I don't usually even say thank you."

"Nor do most men in Ukraine," Nyx muttered. "Or anywhere else for that matter."

"You may have a point, there," House accepted. "But maybe she came to the States to find something else, something better. And I'm still an ex con."

"You weren't when she married you," Nyx pointed out.

"She would have been an idiot to marry me had I been," House agreed. "But by the time she supposedly fell in love with me, I was. She has been here for two years now. Most of that time I was first abroad, then in prison. She, however, did just fine alone. She even made a small fortune for herself. All she needs me for is the Green Card, and trying to convince immigration that that isn't the only reason she 'loves' me won't be easy. And if she fails, then she will be deported, but I can state that she convinced me, too, of her sincerity and was duped. Which means that I may not need to go to the Big House. This does rest mostly on her shoulders."

"So why does the Beauty love the Beast," Nyx pondered. "Too bad immigration isn't more romantic, otherwise selling a Classic like that wouldn't be even difficult."

"This is no fairy tale," House stated. "We are stuck in real life. And with each other for now."


	35. Mommy's boy

**SPOILER ALERT!  
**

_This is written before the episode Love Is Blind has aired in the USA but after it aired in Canada. If you haven't seen the episode and don't want to be spoiled, DO NOT READ._

_And thank you for reading my story and thank you for the reviews :)  
_

**Mommy's boy**

"So it turns out that you take after you Mother, and not your Father," Nyx observed. "Whoever he might be."

"Who would have thought," House had to shake his head. "I was so sure I knew her, but it seems that into my Dad's shadow she hid a whole different life."

"A life that wasn't that very different from the one you're living," Nyx mused. "Drugs, almost indiscriminate sex, defying authority and who knows what else."

"Definitely not boring," House nodded.

"No wonder she has always understood you so well," Nyx stated. "And known when you lie."

"True," House agreed. "I probably learned all my tells from her. I just didn't know it."

"Amazing how different your Mom and Dad were," Nyx marvelled. "How did they even get together?"

"I don't know why she married my Dad," House pondered. "But she must have loved him at least some of the time. Though divorce was getting somewhat acceptable in the sixties it would have been very bad for his career. She must have stayed married for his sake. And, apparently, she still found a way to do whatever she wanted."

"He was away for long periods of time," Nyx noted. "And I'm sure she wasn't the only military wife who run a bit wild. They probably covered for each other, too."

"More than likely, now that I think of it," House agreed. "And stepping out with the Chaplain could easily be covered up as voluntary work. I still can't quite wrap my mind around it. For years I have been wondering about my origins, why I am what I am, and to find out that the answer has been right there, under my nose and I just didn't see it. Apparently I'm not as observant as I like to think."

"Love is blind," Nyx explained. "It's not just blind to faults, it can also disguise the whole person. When you fall in love you fall in love with the image you see at that moment. And that idea will inform all your subsequent interpretations of the person you love, unless something drastic happens and you have to adjust the image itself. When a child loves a parent, the image isn't an instant, but it is based on very early experiences and it does dominate. A child sees his parents firstly as parents – which is only one part of who they really are. It is difficult for a child, even when he grows up, to see the parents as individuals, as people separate from their roles as parents. You managed to do that with your Dad a lot sooner, mainly because there was so much conflict between you and because you realised so early on that he wasn't your biological parent. You saw who he was as a man, and you respected his adherence to his principles, his commitment to his country and his career. But you could also hate him as the lousy Dad that he was. With your Mom, you haven't been able to see the difference between Mother and a woman, until possibly now?"

"Well, this has definitely been an eye opening experience," House allowed.

"And you have to admit that Thomas was right," Nyx suggested. "At least partly. Your Mother's choices did screw up your childhood."

"Maybe," House considered. "But Thomas was also wrong. He said that had he known – or in this case believed – that I was his son, he could have done something for me. I don't see how that made any difference. If he believed that John was too hard on me or that Blythe was not protecting me enough or whatever it is he thinks was the problem, he was still in a position to try and help. It should not have made any difference that I wasn't his child, I was still a child. He was my Dad's best friend at one time; he was in a position to try and advice him. And not least because he was the Chaplain."

"So you think it takes 'a village' to raise a kid?" Nyx asked.

"It also takes a village to save one," House shrugged. "I do believe my Mom did her best in the circumstances that were."

"But the circumstances were of her own choosing," Nyx pointed out. "And she landed you in the middle of her choices."

"I don't know why she did what she did," House sighed. "She must have had her reasons. Maybe she truly believed that a boy needs a father. Intellectually I might need to blame her more than I do, but what I feel is not what my brain dictates but what my memories dictate. When I was little, I did admire my Dad and we had a good enough relationship. Not all was bad. But when I grew up and started to question his beliefs and especially his authority things changed. I remember that I was always happy with my Mom, especially when we were home alone. And I hated the times when my Dad was with us."

"But you still found her boring?" Nyx questioned.

"Boring is a good quality in a Mother," House reminded her. "Especially when you are little. Later on you tend to get wrapped up in your own life and it doesn't matter that much."

"But now you found out that she isn't nearly as boring as you used to think," Nyx concluded. "The interesting thing is that even when you thought she was boring her opinion of you and your actions still mattered to you. Even though your history of her was that she thinks you're perfect exactly as you are."

"She is my Mother," House said. "I don't want to disappoint her."

"Apparently she feels the same about you," Nyx pondered. "Why else did it take her three years to tell you that she had married so soon after your Dad's death."

"I don't really understand that," House frowned. "She knew how I felt about Dad. So, fine, maybe two months was a bit soon and I might have had some objections, though I really can't see why. And even if I had, she is my Mother; I can't exactly disown her or anything. Strange that it took her so long to tell me. I was in prison for only a year, not three!"

"But even though you're an ex-con now, she is still proud of you," Nyx stated. "She came to your defence in a hurry when Thomas blew his casket."

"Yeah," House didn't sound too impressed.

"What?" Nyx demanded.

"She has always told me that she is proud of me," House sighed. "But with Dad, though she did her best to comfort me, she didn't really defend me. She did try to defuse the situation between us, and she tried to steer us around each other to avoid arguments and clashes, but she didn't really defend me like she did with Thomas. Of course, Thomas and I will never live in the same house and I don't need to depend on him for anything, so the situation is different. He is also a very different kind of man than Dad was; had she defended me to my Dad, it would probably had made things even worse."

"Do you blame her now?" Nyx asked.

"No," House considered the matter. "I don't think I do. There are so many things that I don't know. I genuinely do believe that she did her best and she was a good Mother – when Dad wasn't around. I can't just ignore all my childhood memories and rethink them. I love her. And now I also find her interesting. I'm cool with that."

"And your Father?" Nyx queried.

"Which one?" House countered. "My dead Dad, my new Step-Dad – who incidentally thinks he is my real Dad – or my real Dad, who I have no clue about?"

"Any and all," Nyx invited.

"My Dad is dead," House contemplated. "John House was the only Dad I really knew. He was lousy at it, but I suppose he did his best. I can't love him, but I did respect him for not being a hypocrite. Thomas, on the other hand, I don't know what I think of him. He is my Mom's husband now, so I have to accept him. But he betrayed my Dad, supposedly his best friend. Wilson may find him nice and charming, but I think I'm rather glad he isn't really my bio-Dad. As for the bio-Dad, whoever he might be, I don't think it matters. My search for him was always part of my search for myself. I wanted to know why I am what I am. Now I know that I take much more after my Mom than I ever believed possible. My bio-Dad is suddenly irrelevant. I don't think I care."

"I suppose that makes sense," Nyx accepted. "But I can't help but wonder a bit about the birthmarks. They are hereditary, after all."

"But not necessarily totally unique," House considered. "Probably just coincidences."

"You hate coincidences," Nyx stated.

"But sometimes they do happen," House said. "Sometimes they do happen."


	36. Honourable musings

**Honourable musings**

"So how many times are you going to cry 'wolf'?" Nyx asked House.

"They are doctors," House shrugged. "With 'wolf' they are pretty much like nurses: no matter how many times you make them run, they will still come running just in case."

"That is a possibility," Nyx accepted. "You do like to make them run. But another possibility is that you are trying to give them enough false alarms that when you do get sick, they will leave you alone. Wilson did once say that you try to push away all those who care."

"Except that he wasn't budging no matter how much I pushed," House informed her.

"He seems to budge now," Nyx observed. "Either he is giving up or he has finally figured out that his previous attempts to control you by breathing down your neck and manipulating you behind your back never really worked and he has finally decided to do something different."

"Doesn't sound like him," House doubted. "Unless it is something his shrink has come up with."

"Could be," Nyx agreed. "Also if he has figured out that it will throw you off and drive you crazy, he will be more likely to stick with it."

"But can he keep it up?" House asked. "People don't change after all."

"True," Nyx nodded. "But they can learn. And with Mayfield he learned than when you truly need help you will come to him. With Cuddy's house he learned that if he pushes too hard, he will push you over the edge. Not that he pushed you alone nor that you weren't responsible for your own actions, but he still knows he pushed when he should have just left you alone."

"You think that when I was in prison he had time to think?" House pondered. "That he wasn't just curling up on himself trying to protect his emotions from yet another permanent loss? That right now he isn't trying to keep some distance to me just so that it won't hurt as much next time when I do something that makes me disappear from his life for unknown length of time that may turn out to be permanent?"

"That is a possibility," Nyx admitted. "Is that why you faked this illness? To see if he would come running? He did, until you pushed him away."

"So he did," House mused. "I wonder if Chase told him that he was going to Foreman? No, Wilson would have looked guiltier had he known who the rat was."

"Rat?" Nyx queried. "Didn't you tell your team that whistle blowing is honourable because it isn't following the rules."

"But tattling to Foreman that one of his doctors may be too sick to work is exactly what the hospital rules expect from staff," House pointed out.

"So Chase was a rat because he followed the rules and kept Foreman informed," Nyx stated. "But your patient was honourable because he broke the rules and gave information to civilians."

"Foreman doesn't need to know everything," House said. "That has always been the most important rule for my team: don't tell 'the man' – or 'woman' as the case originally was. People, on the other hand, need to know. You can't have even close to an honest government if nobody is ever willing to blow the whistle."

"So you think what the boy did was right?" Nyx asked.

"I don't know," House admitted. "I know he had to do it or else he would have gone insane – typhus or no typhus. He didn't have a choice about publishing the tape. I don't know if it was honourable or not, but he followed his own code. Stupidly, though, he wanted also to pay the full price even when he was given an option. Maybe he felt he had betrayed his principles when he joined. And because of that his honour didn't let him choose the easier way. I don't know. Honour is like love: both make you do stupid, stupid things."

"But was he right?" Nyx repeated. "Was it the right thing to do?"

"There are so very few things in life that are absolutely right," House sighed. "It is easier to say something is wrong."

"So you think he was wrong?" Nyx demanded.

"What he did was clearly wrong because he broke the rules," House said. "On the other hand, he was right to do it because that was his only choice if he was going to live with himself. Will history free him or condemn him? I'm fairly sure history won't give a damn."

"You don't think his actions matter?" Nyx questioned.

"Not really," House stated. "The military claims that publishing the tape is what makes the mistake public. I don't believe for a minute that the locals didn't know what had happened pretty much as soon as it had happened, if not sooner. Mistakes make things more difficult for them in Afghanistan, not talking about them because the locals know anyway. They always do. Yes, Taliban has now new visual aids with their recruiting, but they have used bits of movies and any filmed bit of any battle they can find on line. The recruiters may have graduated from Harvard or Sorbonne, but the kids they are recruiting barely know how to read. If they are told that a clip from _Full Metal Jacket_ shows US soldiers slaughtering innocent Muslims they will believe it. The tape my patient made public, won't make any difference one way or another."

"Then his incarceration will be meaningless too," Nyx frowned.

"Show of strength," House shrugged. "The military cannot let any rules be broken without consequences. The whole system would break down if just anyone could use their own judgement. Or make that anyone at all. They have painted the tape with Grand Treason, they can't back off now. The only chance they had, and my patient had was, that he pleaded temporary insanity. The typhus diagnosis gave him the chance, but he chose not to take it. He would have been dishonourably discharged but he would have been free. I think he bought into the claim that the tape would kill his fellow soldiers and he felt the need to atone for that with his freedom. Even though he did think that publishing the tape will bring the soldiers home sooner."

"Do you think so?" Nyx asked.

"The soldiers will come home when the politicians are ready," House sighed. "Or when they realize that keeping the soldiers there is pointless – ready or not."

"You don't trust the military much," Nyx concluded. "Nor your government."

"I don't trust anyone or anything much, Nyx," House said. "Not even my dreams."


	37. Children

**Children**

"A fake child!" Nyx laughed. "Even I find it hard to believe you'd go that far."

"It needed to be done," House shrugged.

"Based on what?" Nyx asked. "So he was showing signs of regretting not having had a child? Surely he would have gotten over it, people do."

"And the way Wilson gets over something like that is by getting married," House pointed out. "Or at least getting involved with another woman, and possibly one who is also showing similar signs of wishing to breed and before I would have known I'd have had two Taubs on my hands. Only with Wilson I would have been expected to be involved with the kid, too."

"You like kids," Nyx ventured.

"When I can return them to their parents after ten minutes with a pithy comment about their parenting," House reminded her. "That isn't what Wilson would have needed."

"You were fine with Rachel," Nyx said almost in whisper.

"She wasn't mine either and Cuddy didn't need me," House stated sternly closing that conversation.

"But the scenario you created for Wilson wasn't realistic," Nyx returned to the original topic.

"Only in the sense that the kid was nice and the liking was instant," House shrugged. "I speeded up the process because child actors don't really come cheap. Plus we needed to work around his parents."

"How did you 'work around' them, and his agent?" Nyx queried. "Surely they would have objected strongly to what you hired him for."

"But they had no problem with a surprise birthday gift to an avid Days of Our Lives fan," House smiled cunningly. "Once that was Ok'd the kid was quite happy with the change of plans and not telling his parents about them. Apparently he isn't quite as nice as his parents' think he is."

"But I still fail to see why you did it," Nyx shook her head at him. "I mean, just think of the retaliation he is even now planning!"

"Nah, he can't top this," House dismissed. "Besides, he needs his sleep. It wouldn't do that both of us sleep at work."

"But still, even if you did help him sleep through the night with babies crying next door, why do it?" Nyx demanded.

"Because he had an unrealistic idea of what it would be like to have a child," House sighed. "Yes, the exact scenario I created was somewhat contrived and sugary to start with, but overall it wasn't too far from what the truth would have been had Wilson had a child with any of his wives or girlfriends."

"Explain," Nyx requested.

"Just think about the women in Wilson's life," House invited. "Had Sam found out that she was pregnant after she sent her lawyer over to Wilson to get the divorce, she most likely would not have told Wilson about the child at all. In that case Wilson would have found out that he was a Dad only when Sam came back, and after twenty years the kid would have been an adult and who knows what Sam would have told him about Wilson. Highly unlikely that they would have formed a father-son bond, Wilson would have been lucky to form any kind of relationship with the boy – or girl as case might have been."

"Knowing Sam, that is quite possible," Nyx had to admit. "And knowing Sam, had the kid been a girl Wilson would have been lucky had his potential daughter wanted to even talk to him."

"Now Bonnie, then – provided that she didn't drop the baby on its head killing it the first week – would have been a different problem," House pondered. "They might have stayed married for the kids even after Wilson's infidelities – and I suspect had Bonnie had kids there would have been even more of them – or they might have divorced sooner just because they could not have agreed on how to raise them and would have argued all the time, eventually coming to the conclusion that the arguing is not good for the kids. The kids would have stayed with Bonnie who would have called Wilson at every crisis; and with her pretty much everything is a crisis, and Wilson would have been torn up between his kids and his patients. He would probably have drafted me into babysitting or just picking up the kids every now and then and that would not have sat well with Bonnie and between us all the kids would have hated us all and Wilson – and Bonnie – both would drown in guilt. Not a good situation for anyone."

"Not to mention your drug addiction and all the pressure trying to look after you would have caused Wilson," Nyx mused. "He would have been a basket case years ago."

"Most probably," House admitted. "Now, had he had a child with Julie, the kid would hate him. Yes, it was Julie who cheated, but I doubt she would tell it to the kid – or at least she would find a way to blame it on Wilson. She was good that way, making him feel guilty for things that she did."

"You never did like Julie, did you?" Nyx smiled.

"I never liked any of his wives," House said. "He has an atrocious taste in women. Well, except possibly Amber."

"But you don't think she would have made a good mother?" Nyx asked.

"Amber?" House paused. "Amber is dead. Had she given Wilson a child before she died – had there even been time for that – Wilson would be a single Dad and that would have been a whole different ball game."

"True that," Nyx nodded. "So you really think that – given the potential mothers and the likely way the relationship would have gone even with a child – Wilson is lucky that he never procreated?"

"Totally," House replied with conviction.

"Well, you have been there for over twenty years, so probably you know what you're talking about," Nyx admitted – even if she wasn't completely convinced. They sat in silence for a moment, then Nyx had another question: "So what is going on with Chase and Park? First she moves in with him and neither can give a good reason for it and then she moves back home, and again neither can come up with a good explanation."

"Who knows," House shook his head trying to figure out the puzzle. "It's a bit like Chase and Cameron all over again, except Park is playing Chase and Chase isn't hot for me. But mainly I think that this time Chase just indulged in a little PoPo-napping."

"You think Chase envied Park for her family?" Nyx assumed. "Do you think he manipulated the situation on purpose?"

"There is no way he could have figured that PoPo would follow Park," House insisted. "Nor that he would actually like PoPo. He just got lucky. And Park learned a lesson: running away doesn't mean your problems won't just follow you."

"So now Chase has a 'Grand-Mother' for the first time in his life," Nyx concluded. "Park has some breathing space, Wilson is no longer pining for a child and you have your life back to normal – or what passes for normal with you. In other words everybody's happy."

"I think I'd go with 'content' not happy," House corrected. "But other than that, nice summary."


	38. Sabotage

**Sabotage**

"What?" House demanded when Nyx just sat on his bed staring at him reproachfully but saying nothing. He didn't get an answer. "You obviously have something on your mind so just spit it out."

"What would be the point?" Nyx asked. "You're not listening to me. Or even yourself."

"Aren't you supposed to be 'myself' or something like that," House sneered.

"I suppose," Nyx shrugged. "If I am a manifestation of your subconscious."

"And if you're not?" House queried.

"Then you're still not listening to me," Nyx sighed. "Idiot that you are."

"So here it comes, and with insults," House scorned.

"Oh come on," Nyx had had enough. "You know perfectly well that you just sabotaged every chance you could possibly have had with your wife. It's like you have a 'relationship death wish' or something."

"Maybe I just need time," House suggested.

"Of course you need time, but that is not the way to get it," Nyx sounded seriously exasperated.

"If I give her the letter she will be gone before I can say 'Jiminy Wilson'," House sighed. "I need time."

"You don't have time," Nyx insisted. "At least not the way you think you can get it. If she finds out that you made her miss her date of becoming a citizen she will refuse to take a chance with you. So far you haven't taken advantage of her, and make no mistake, she knows that you could have, and therefore she trusts you. She knows that deep down you really are an honourable man. But if you do this, if you mess up her chance to become a citizen, then you will become a Brutus, and though she may forgive you, she will not live with you. However, if you get up right now – ok, maybe you can wait until morning, but no longer. If you give her the letter right away and say that you like her and hope that she will stay so that you two can find out if you really can make this marriage real, then she will most likely give you a chance. She does like you."

"I'm sure she does," House said dismissively. "We do have fun together sometimes. But she doesn't 'like' like me. She said it herself: she is far too smart to fall for someone like me."

"And since when has 'smart' had anything to do with feelings," Nyx scoffed. "That's why you hate them. But if you lie to her about this, then you will push her away. It won't matter if she is head over heels in love with you, because the feelings will be too new to handle this kind of betrayal."

"She should know by now that I lie and cheat," House muttered.

"She does," Nyx agreed. "But until now she has trusted you to keep her safe. This is an issue that concerns her safety and liberty in a much more fundamental way than anything before. This time you are actually wronging her. Not just acting carelessly or even uncaringly. This is not an 'oops, I didn't think' kind of thing. This is deliberate. This different."

"Unforgivable?" House asked.

"Depends on when you come to your senses and what you have done before that," Nyx stated. "But even if it is 'forgivable' she won't stay with you because she will feel that she was the reason why you betrayed your honour."

"What 'honour'? Who said I have any," House grumbled.

"Honour, integrity, your fundamental beliefs," Nyx listed. "I don't care what you call it, but she knows that somewhere deep down you have an iron core that won't bend. Things that you believe in; the reasons that made you come back from Fiji and face the music. And face it much harder than a first time offender should. You believe that people are equal, that they have a right to pursue happiness that they have the right to be free and screw up their own lives the way they want and without undue interference. You also believe that once you do wrong someone you ought to pay for it. You may not totally agree with everybody else's definition of 'wronging' but once you do agree, you pay the price."

"You have an unduly positive idea of me," House asserted. "I'm not in the least averse to escaping the consequences of my actions and my main concern is me, myself and I. Pretty much in that order."

"So was it to benefit 'me' or 'myself' or possibly 'I' that got you 8 months added to your prison sentence?" Nyx asked. "How did it help 'me' when you refused to take Wilson's advice to put the blame on Dominika at the Green Card hearing? You would have been free, no fraud no prison. She would have been deported but surely that would have been just fine with 'myself'?"

"Just because I don't go out of my way to hurt people – well, not much," House claimed. "Doesn't mean I'm a nice guy. Besides, under pressure she found a way to save both our hides."

"So she is smart, quick on her feet, can think under pressure," Nyx pondered. "She is hot, and funny and happy to help with your pranks when needed. Don't you think you should give her a real chance with you? And yourself a real chance with her, too?"

"Isn't that what I'm doing," House countered facetiously.

"No," Nyx stated unequivocally. "What you are doing is setting up a situation that has failure built in it. Yes, most marriages are based on and survive on lies, but some lies kill relationships. This is a big one. This is a deal-breaker lie. And you know it. You are setting yourself up for failure. What I can't figure out is why? Are you thinking that she is like Cameron? That she is attracted to you because she pities you and mistakes that for love? Do you think that you are too old and too crippled for her and you need to show her that you are not all that she thinks you are so that she will leave you. Or are you setting up a scenario where you know she will leave you because of something you did, not because of what you are? Or at least what you think you are. Why are you doing this?"

"Maybe I'm doing this just because I don't want to see her go," House attempted.

"No, that can't be it," Nyx refused to accept the answer. "You know she will leave you once she finds out what you have done. She isn't stupid. She knows she is due to either have another hearing soon or her green card. If neither materializes when expected, she is perfectly capable of calling them up and asking. You know this. The only thing this action will give you is an empty apartment. You must give her that letter. Even if you don't have the guts to ask her to stay, it is still the right thing to do. You know it is."

"And 'doing the right thing' is a reward of its own?" House said with irony.

"It leaves you with less regrets than any other course of action," Nyx insisted. "Of course, least regrets you would have if you also **said** the right thing and not just did."

"And what would the right thing to say be this time," House queried. "If I were to give her the letter? What would you like me to say? I don't do pretty speeches you know."

"Actually I don't know," Nyx claimed. "I have heard you speak pretty eloquently when you want to. But you don't have to. This time one word will do. If you have the guts to say it."

"And what would that 'magic word' be then?" House sounded doubtful.

"Stay."


	39. Friend in need

**Friend in need**

"Come to tell me you told me so?" House asked as Nyx joined him.

"No," Nyx answered quietly. "Sure I could berate you and try to get you to try to get her back, but you don't really believe that you deserve to be happy with a woman. I could try to get you see things differently, but right now you're really not interested. You have something more important to deal with."

"Nothing I can do," House sighed. "He has been diagnosed and he is the oncologist: he knows all the treatments that there are. And I don't do hand-holding."

"He told you because he needs you," Nyx pointed out. "The real you. He doesn't want hand-holding, at least not from you. He wants someone who helps him fight. And fighting is what you do. He also needs someone who will look at all the treatments he knows with objectivity. He needs someone who isn't freaked out over the word 'cancer' but who still cares about him. He needs someone who will not give him false hope and all kinds of platitudes about miracles and such. He needs you, because you will tell him how it is, but you will not give up until it really is over."

"I don't know if I can be there for him," House said. "I wasn't there for Cuddy."

"Sure you were," Nyx countered. "Just not in the way she imagined she wanted. Yes, you failed at the hand-holding but you figured out what was wrong with her. She might have liked it better had you been able to sit by her and hold your hand, but it was much better for her and her daughter that you found out what was wrong and how to fix it. Hand-holding really is much over rated."

"I wasn't there for Wilson, either, with his brother," House tried. "Not the way he wanted."

"But you were there the way that he needed," Nyx insisted. "You were with him when he drove there and then when he drove back. So you didn't actually pat him on the back with words of encouragement when he went in, but was that really what you were there for? If he needed words of encouragement he could have told just about anyone else about his brother and he would have got exactly that: lots of words but no real support. You didn't give him words, but you were there. You even let him absorb his visit in peace on the drive back and only asked how it had gone the next day. That is what he needs now as well: support without platitudes. Platitudes he can get from anyone. But you are the only one who will see him still as Wilson and not the one with cancer."

"He has said often that when the C-word is said, then everything is suddenly about the cancer and not about you," House nodded. "Every conversation is about that, or will turn to that. Suddenly Cancer is your identity. You are no longer a mother or sister or father or a trained professional, you are just Cancer. He hates that even when he is just seeing it. I don't think he will hate it any less experiencing it; being the one with Cancer."

"No, I don't believe that he will like it," Nyx agreed. "That is why he needs you. As strange as it may seem, you always see the person behind the illness."

"Usually who and what the patient is, is relevant to the reason why he or she is sick," House pointed out.

"True," Nyx accepted. "But you don't over- emphasise it either. Most people will note the irony of an Oncologist having cancer – and they will probably march out the old belief that doctors die of their speciality."

"That's because people are stupid," House observed. "They only notice the cause of death when there is a coincidence like an Oncologist having cancer. Other times they take no notice so when another Oncologist has cancer they will remember the previous times and extrapolate from there. Mind you, cancer is not that uncommon among Oncologists but that has nothing to do with irony. Most doctors choose a speciality that is close to them: if someone close to you has died of cancer, you become an oncologist, heart decease and you become a cardiologist and so on. And that is why you may be genetically more likely to fall victim to your own speciality. Perfectly rational."

"And that is what Wilson needs," Nyx smiled. "Perfect rationalism. Your speciality."

"Are you suggesting that I may die by rationalism?" House smiled back.

"Not completely impossible," Nyx stated. "Though some of it may be rationalization and not rationalism. After all, you can rationalize almost anything."

"Are we now suddenly back with the 'I told you so'?" House asked. "Because I'm fairly sure you said you weren't going there."

"I'm not," Nyx denied. "I don't need to."

"I suppose you were vocal enough before," House pondered. "And not wrong."

"All she wanted was to be legal," Nyx pointed out. "Other than that, she was content. And you were friends – in a weird way, but then, your friendships are always somewhat weird."

"I broke that," House accepted. "She believed that there was at least trust between us and when I broke that, she left. She didn't even ask me why I had done it because it didn't matter."

"Not when trust was the real issue," Nyx agreed. "What your motivations were doesn't really matter because what it boils down to is that you didn't trust her to stay without compulsion so you took the choice away from her. She might have felt less betrayed had you just thrown away the letters but in addition to that you also lied to her face. There is no good explanation for that. Not even love."

"I don't know if I love her," House sighed. "Just that I miss her. And now I may lose Wilson, too."

"Stage two Thymoma isn't that bad as Cancers go," Nyx reassured him. "There are effective treatments and he knows them all. I wouldn't order the undertaker just yet."

"And did you get that insight from your Daughter?" House asked.

"I don't discuss death with Death," Nyx stated. "Besides, for her and I time is a very different construct than it is for humans. What is 'soon' for us may be an eon for you, or the other way around depending on the case."

"So Death and taxes are certain to come, but even knowing that, both may surprise you," House concluded.

"Yes, I think so," Nyx affirmed. "Though I don't know anything about taxes."


	40. Waiting

**Waiting **

"You know he didn't mean it," Nyx told House.

"He was in pain," House seemed to disagree with Nyx.

"It wasn't the pain that was talking," Nyx insisted. "It was humiliation. Pain may bring out truths that usually hide from the light of day, but humiliation just wants to hurt."

"Sometimes so does pain," House muttered remembering some of his worst moments.

"True," Nyx had to agree – she had been around those times. "But usually there is some humiliation involved in it as well, not just pain. Mind you, it is very rarely that pain comes alone."

"You got that right," House sighed. "Even Wilson never understood what pain really is."

"And now that he knows, you wish he didn't," Nyx stated. "Though it is more than likely that your life will be easier from now on, you still wish he had been spared."

"We don't know yet if my life will be easier," House pointed out. "Even if we did manage to shrink the tumour enough to make it operable, it can still kill him. It will be five years before he gets the all clear even if all treatments are successful. I may still lose my best friend and that is too high a price for better understanding of what it is to be me."

"Even if he survives?" Nyx asked.

"Yes," House didn't hesitate in his answer. "It has been frustrating, I admit, to be treated like I was just an addict; like the pain was all in my mind and I wanted the drugs just to get high. Yes, I have a problem with pain medication but I also have a huge problem with pain. Trying to get that across to people has always been futile. So now Wilson knows more. He even knows how humiliating it can be when pain robs you from the ability to go to the 'big boys' room' under your own steam. I'd rather he didn't."

"Why?" Nyx wondered. "He will now be less judgemental – and you always complain about that! How is this better understanding between you two so bad? I mean, sure, I can understand that you wish he hadn't experienced the pain he chose, but since he did and nothing can change it now, why not take what good can come out of it and accept it?"

"Because almost dying changes everything for two months, tops," House explained. "Once the euphoria of having survived passes and the memory of the pain fades, things will go back to where they were. It will be like nothing had happened at all."

"Surely he will not just forget everything you did for him!" Nyx exclaimed. "And everything he went through and felt during his illness."

"I'm sure he will make use of this experience with his patients," House shrugged. "But I don't have cancer."

"I can't believe that his idea of you - of whom and what you are hasn't changed for good after this," Nyx insisted. "Two months, two years, two decades can't change what he knows now. It may not be fresh in his mind every second of the day, but his eyes are now open."

"Eyes can be closed," House pointed out. "He can decide that it was drug induced hallucinations or that it wasn't as real as he believed."

Nyx was speechless for a moment and just stared at House. Then she seemed to get an idea: "Are you in denial of the change because you don't want to believe it?" she asked. "Are you afraid to believe that Wilson's attitude towards you has really altered because if he does go back to his old ways after the two months, you will get hurt. It is easier to live without something that you have never had than something that you have actually had – however brief the time might be. You are afraid that this change that has happened between you two is like the ketamine treatment that gave you your mobility back for two months. And then you lost it. And it hurt."

"Maybe," House said. "Also, I'm afraid that he will not survive. If he dies I will not lose just my best friend, but a friend who seems to finally begin to understand what really makes me tick."

"Pain," Nyx nodded. "It is quite the dictator."

"It sure is," House agreed.

"So, how do you go on from here?" Nyx asked. "You helped Wilson when he needed you – and least expected you to agree with him. What will happen now?"

"We wait," House shrugged. "There isn't much else we can do until we get the results of the chemo. If the tumour is smaller then he'll have the operation and then we wait again. Waiting is a big part of the art of medicine."

"No last hurrahs?" Nyx asked.

"The hundred things to do before you die?" House pondered. "No. Not enough time to get them done anyway and they usually are rather trivial. At least the ones that you can do just a few weeks before you think you may die. Getting a wife and having children with her do, after all, take minimum of nine months. And that's with someone just waiting in the wings."

"Wilson might like a proper 'Spring Break'," Nyx suggested. "He sort of missed most of this one."

"I took pictures!" House exclaimed indignantly. "Can I help it that he was plastered all of the time."

"No, I suppose not," Nyx laughed. "But as you said, almost dying changes everything for two months and Wilson might get adventurous."

"Don't hold your breath," House advised her. "Caution is Wilson's middle name. The last road trip we took, he was prepared for every contingency."

"Except being arrested," Nyx reminded House. "Only reason you did make it your Father's memorial service was because Louisiana didn't really want Wilson."

"I'm not so sure he couldn't have talked that sheriff into taking me the rest of the way in hand cuffs," House ventured. "They seemed to have very similar ideas about it."

"I wonder had they still felt the same had they known, that your Mother had your new step-Dad lined up already," Nyx ruminated.

"I doubt that," House said. "Wilson definitely is all for appearances and I'm fairly sure that so was that sheriff."

"So you don't expect to do anything but wait until the results come in," Nyx concluded.

"No," House affirmed. "We are now back in school – or in this case work – and the Spring Break is over, no matter how much 'fun' it was."

"The pictures you took," Nyx smiled. "Do you even understand the importance of the message they were for Wilson – not to mention that the gift of laughter is always welcome, especially when you are scared and feel alone. You can't laugh alone; somebody, somewhere, at some time shared your laughter. Always."

"Laughter I get," House said. "But message?"

"That you believed he would pull through and you could share the pictures with him," Nyx said. "You never lie to him, not when it really matters, not about truly important things. You believe that he will survive and that gives him a much better chance to actually survive."

"The force of positive thinking?" House scorned. "Yeah, that sure cures a lot of people."

"No it doesn't," Nyx said. "But sometimes what cures you is your willingness to fight and you only fight if you feel you have a chance to win. – Well not you, you sometimes just fight. But generally people do fight when they believe there is even a small chance to win. You help Wilson believe and he will fight. Yes, he may lose, but unless he is willing to fight he will lose for sure."

"You are probably right," House accepted. "If he doesn't believe that he can beat this tumour, he may well decide to kill himself to be spared the slow and painful death Cancer would bring him."

"You are now his trainer," Nyx suggested. "Help him believe in his chances."

"Do I have a choice?" House asked.

"Not if you want to keep your friend," Nyx answered.


	41. Libera me

**Libera me**

"House," Nyx said his name tentatively.

"Don't," House replied. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Whatever you say," Nyx nodded. "But are you sure?"

"I don't want to talk about it right now because I'm not sure I believe it," House sighed. "Or maybe I do believe but just can't process. Whatever it is now is not the time to talk."

"Fine," Nyx accepted. They sat in silence for some time, just watching the river – Acheron – and smelling the roses in Nyx's daughter's garden. Finally Nyx observed: "So you let Chase go."

"Slavery is still illegal in New Jersey," House pointed out.

"You say that like you would have kept him against his will if you could have," Nyx smiled.

"If I could why wouldn't I?" House shrugged.

"Because that is not who you are," Nyx stated.

"I tried to keep Dominika against her will," House reminded Nyx.

"Knowing full well that sooner or later she would get the message about her Green Card," Nyx countered. "You knew you were on stolen time with her and you just wanted her around as long as you could keep her. You didn't believe that she would ever stay of her own free will as you couldn't see what you could possibly offer her. You know you are a brilliant doctor, but away from that you see yourself as cranky cripple and you couldn't understand why she would stay with you. I still say she might well have been happy to stay had you been honest with her and just asked. But that ship has sailed. But just because you make mistakes in your personal life, doesn't mean you make similar mistakes with your team. You groomed Chase to leave you. In fact, you kicked him out once already."

"Yeah," House remembered. "He needed a kick in the butt. However, he didn't take the chance quite like I had wanted him to, but it turned out ok in the end. Sort of ok. He still married Cameron, which wasn't a good idea. She had way too much baggage for the marriage to work. They should have remained just friends. Even with benefits. But still just friends."

"So you took him back to set him on the right course again," Nyx pondered. "Do you believe he is ready now?"

"He has been ready for two years at least, if we talk about his abilities as a doctor," House stated. "He just needed to realise it and be mentally ready to do it. I suppose I owe Treiber thanks for the push he gave Chase."

"Did you know why Treiber hated Chase?" Nyx asked.

"Of course," House said. "Though Treiber was basing his hate on wrong conclusions."

"How so?" Nyx asked. "He lost his spot with you to Chase, didn't he?"

"He was good on paper," House granted. "In fact his was the stuff legends are made of. He didn't even have the black marks against him that I had and I could have picked almost any fellowship in the country when I went looking. My difficult personality, however, created some obstacles. But not so with Treiber. He really could pretty much point his finger and say 'I want that fellowship' and it would have been his. Pretty much. I'm the only one who doesn't give a hoot about paper, but even so he expected to be chosen – though I already had the reputation then for having a unique way and odd criteria of choosing my fellows. And I didn't want him. But Cuddy was all over me to hire him because he would have been great for the academic credentials of her hospital."

"You didn't want him?" Nyx repeated. "But then how did Chase come into that situation?"

"Cuddy got a phone call and she wanted me to hire Chase, too," House explained. "I bargained: if I hire Chase I don't have to hire Treiber."

"But that means that he was right," Nyx insisted. "Chase got his spot."

"I had three spots," House reminded her. "It took me another three months to find Cameron and six to find Foreman. Even without Chase I would not have hired Treiber but Chase got Cuddy off my back."

"Why didn't you want Treiber?" Nyx wondered. "He is a brilliant pathologist."

"That he is," House agreed. "He is methodical, thorough and never leaves a stone unturned before he is sure he knows why the patient died. He keeps score, he has statistics he remembers every mistake every doctor ever made on the care of the patients that end up in his morgue. He doesn't only find the mistakes, he identifies if they are procedural or just plain incompetence. If the mistake is in the hospital procedures – or even if change in procedures can help avoiding them, he can figure out a way to improve the procedures. He is a brilliant pathologist. But I didn't see any flair in him for diagnosing the living. He certainly didn't give me anything that I felt I could work with."

"Did Chase?" Nyx asked.

"Chase had a spark," House smiled remembering. "Banked down – hardly surprising given who his father was and what had happened to his mother. He was rather lost, just trying to survive. But push him, and suddenly he came up with the goods. I always thought that he was the one who would eventually follow in my footsteps and end up with a diagnostic team of his own."

"Yet everyone always said that Foreman was the one most like you," Nyx mused.

"He was just the one who most wanted to imitate me," House corrected. "Until he finally realised that to be good at what you do, you have to be true to yourself. If you're trying to be somebody else you will always trip over yourself."

"True," Nyx nodded. "He is doing pretty well as the Dean."

"He always was a paper pusher," House sneered but with affection. "But he, too, has grown complacent."

"You're going to shake him up?" Nyx was surprised.

"Chase's departure may do that without any help from me," House pondered. "And I'm not going to do anything to shake him up. At least not for that reason. But things are changing. Coming here from Prison was strange but in some ways comforting. However, I had not planned on ever being back here. This past year has been almost like an intermezzo, something in between instead of the main event. I don't know what is going to happen; all I know is that all doors are open and I don't know who is going to go through each of them."


	42. Night and Death

**Night and Death**

"He didn't want to accept it," Death said.

"He has always believed that it truly is nobler to endure the slings and arrows of capricious fate," Nyx sighed. "He fights so hard to keep wanting to live that he finds it offensive when people choose death."

"But it is an individual choice," Death mused. "He still has his mind and all that he needs to matter, to make a difference even if only one patient at time. But if his pain robbed him of that, he, too might choose death. Wilson knows exactly what chemo does to a cancer patient; he has seen it often enough. The life he would get is not worth the pain to him. House really can understand that."

"But, like you said, he didn't want to accept it," Nyx agreed. "I understand that well. He never, ever wants to say 'die'. Most of his patients have reason to be grateful for his tenacity."

"And those who he didn't manage to save, at least know what killed them, even if they don't know why," Death nodded. "And though it may not be a comfort for the patients at least their families know. Sometimes that is the only comfort** they** can have."

"And with that little boy whose case nearly sent House back in Prison, it was also vital information," Nyx remembered. "House has compassion when it is possible to do something but he doesn't see any point in just having words. His feelings come out in actions."

"Wilson tends to forget that," Death observed. "House says 'I love you' to him in so many ways but Wilson still doesn't hear."

"He isn't used to unconditional love," Nyx sighed. "Whenever he has stopped catering to people's needs and whims and done something just for himself he has lost people: first his brother then his first wife and pretty much all his relationships since. The only one who has stayed is House."

"But Wilson thinks it is because of need and not love," Death stated.

"Because need is the only language Wilson understands, House has allowed him to dictate their friendship," Nyx explained. "There is need, of course there is. They are friends and you need your friends. But it is not the needy need that Wilson has labelled it as. House can do just fine without Wilson, too. He accepted it when Wilson left him after Amber's death – maybe not gracefully, but he accepted it eventually. He also accepted it when Wilson came back, even after all the words that had been exchanged. No grudges. He survived Mayfield alone, even made friends. He survived prison, alone and without any hope. He will survive because that is who he is. But Wilson is the family he has chosen to have and everything he does shows the love he feels. I truly do not understand how Wilson can be blind to it."

"He isn't exactly blind," Death pondered. "He just filters the information to fit his preconceived idea. Also, he has needed House to need him; suddenly changing your perspective is not that easy. Nor comfortable."

"I suppose," Nyx admitted. "House tried to make him see that his life had value and though House did also try to make Wilson change his mind about chemo, the main point wasn't that. The main point was that Wilson really did deserve a standing ovation for what he has done for so many people as a doctor. Same with the dinner: he could have just accepted the memories and celebrate his life – and not change his mind about the chemo. House wasn't forcing him, just making sure that he was sure. And even after all that Wilson was unable to see the love."

"He has forgotten that it is actions that matter, not words," Death sighed. "Though House has always been painted as the unreliable one, he has always been there for Wilson – for all his friends. Just not the way they want him, only the way they need him."

"Well, you can't always get what you want," Nyx noted. "And usually it is better to get what you need anyway."

"I'm still sorry Wilson is dying," Death said.

"Me too," Nyx agreed. "But Park was right: truth is truth and sometimes it just sucks."

"And then they die," Death sighed. "Have you told House?"

"Told him what?" Nyx asked.

"If he is right or wrong about death," Death elaborated.

"I'm a figment of his subconscious," Nyx laughed. "I can't tell him what he doesn't know or believe."

"Ok," Death nodded. "If you were Wilson's subconscious, would you tell** him** differently?"

"No," Nyx stated unequivocally. "I don't confirm or dispel beliefs. Besides, what comes after, or doesn't come, matters only at the moment of death; after death they know – or if they don't, then it really makes no difference, and before death it shouldn't matter."

"Why shouldn't it matter?" Death wondered. "Most religions and beliefs assume that this life dictates the next life – be it a reincarnation or eternal life."

"But this is still the only life they have right now," Nyx pointed out. "This is the only life they can live and make decisions about right now. They should not treat life like it was a test because that surely leads to failure. This is what they have; this is what they can change or celebrate or do whatever they want with. This moment is the only certainty they have. Past can't be changed, future is unknown, especially if it is supposed to come after death. This, now, is the one thing that is. Now is the moment that counts."

"And that is why House isn't capable of giving up," Death concluded. "Because he needs to make 'now' count."

"For as long as he can," Nyx agreed. "As I said he never says 'die'. At least not until he absolutely has to."

"Well, he says there is no dignity in death," Death shrugged. "And in most cases he is right. There can be moments of dignity in the process, there can be moments of great compassion and love, but all in all the process of your body failing you bit by bit robs you of all dignity you ever had."

"But in the end," Nyx reminded her daughter. "There can be peace."

"Yes, I have seen it sometimes," Death concurred. "I don't know if it is because they suddenly know there is more, or if they have come to terms with the ending of their life or they just welcome the end of suffering – even if only to 'sleep without dreams'. I have no idea. But I have seen peace."

"I think Wilson will have that, too," Nyx mused. "He may have accepted you a little too readily – personally I do prefer those who 'rage against the dying of the light' - but he didn't make his choice lightly. And it is exactly what one would expect of him."

"He hates pity," Death sighed. "He especially hates being the object of it. Given how much compassion he has, it really is almost funny how he shuns it when he could be the recipient."

"He hasn't learned to see the love behind the compassion," Nyx suggested.

"Probably not," Death assented. "But now is the time to learn to see it. Like it is time for him to learn to see what House's actions tell him. It's not like he has eons."

"Not in this life, he hasn't," Nyx confirmed.


	43. Goodbye

**Goodbye**

"I'm glad you never say 'die'," Nyx stated when she walked up to House.

"Me, too," House admitted throwing a few more stones into the river.

"It got a bit too close there for a moment," Nyx admonished him mildly. "You got me worried."

"Then why didn't **you** show up to tell me not to be a fool?" House asked.

"Because I didn't want you to think that Darkness was welcoming you," Nyx said. "You needed to find your will to live. For some reason you had misplaced it, and at a rather crucial time, too."

"Yeah, I was rather leaning towards that 'not to be' option there," House confessed. "Fortunately all's well that ends well."

"This isn't the end yet, you know," Nyx pointed out.

"I know," House smiled. "And that is a very good thing."

"I agree," Nyx smiled back. "And you were right; what you did was exactly the right thing to do. Yes, you may pay through the nose for it eventually, but this was the only way you could give Wilson the five months that he should have. You had to die."

"I know," House sighed. "I am a little sorry for all the grief I caused – some of it real grief, too not just aggravation, but Wilson needs to be free for his last months. Maybe a good lawyer could have destroyed the case they had against me for vandalism since all they had were the tickets that would have my fingerprints on them, and there are plenty of people in the hospital who do have it in for me. Easy enough to create reasonable doubt at least. But even then I would still have been on parole and unable to leave the state. And I would have needed to work as a condition of that parole. No way could I have taken five months off to do whatever we want, wherever we want."

"And since the hospital was sending you to prison anyway, you didn't actually bale out on your patients either. Even if you had been able to stay out of prison the board would most likely not have wanted to keep you," Nyx added. "For those who knew you, it should look like you just ended it on your own terms – I am actually surprised that Wilson didn't say something like that in his eulogy. You were losing your licence as a doctor, you were about to go to prison and your best friend was about to die. For you to go out in flames – though you did it a little more literally than that phrase normally indicates – is exactly what they should have expected of you."

"I expect that that is what they say now," House shrugged. "But most of them didn't really know me as well as they thought."

"So do you think you will go back one day after, you know, and show them that they got some of it wrong?" Nyx asked.

"I'm not sure," House shrugged again. "Once Wilson has gone, things may look different. On the other hand, we have been on the road for a few days now, and I like it more and more. Besides, if I go to prison, chances are that I can't fulfil my promise to Thirteen."

"You still intend to do that?" Nyx asked.

"A promise is a promise," House insisted. "And I'm not really dead. Besides she has more than five months so I do have time to plan."

"But how will you know when she needs you?" Nyx wondered.

"That's what private dicks are for," House explained. "They find out about people if you pay them to do so."

"Lucas?" Nyx stared at him.

"He's not the only dick in the world," House scoffed. "I found him, I'll find another. Besides, Foreman can keep me posted. I may not need an investigator at all because later I might be able to do the surveillance myself. But that is for later. I'll think about it when I have to. Now it's all about Wilson."

"Foreman?" Nyx frowned puzzled. "He knows?"

"I left him enough clues that if I trained him right he should figure it out," House explained. "If not, he's going to get hell of a surprise one of these days. Maybe."

"Do you have any plans for now then? Or are you just letting the wind take you where it may?" Nyx asked.

"I think the wind will have it for now," House replied. "Later is up to Wilson."

"You know what he will ask of you, don't you?" Nyx said.

"He doesn't have to ask," House stated.

"I think he has finally figured that one out," Nyx smiled. "He is learning things about you he never gave himself a chance to see."

"That was because I was alive," House noted. "I'm dead now and everybody loves you when you're dead."

"They did say a lot of nice things about you at the funeral," Nyx observed. "But I think they all believed those things even when you were alive. You just didn't give them a chance to say them. Taub did take the time to tell you that you're not a bully, but other than that, you kept them jumping so much they hardly had time to think. You changed their lives for the better; you made them better people and not just better doctors."

"You are exaggerating," House declared. "I didn't change them in any way. People don't change. I may have pushed them to be the best doctors they can be, but that's about it."

"No, you pushed them to be better people as well," Nyx maintained. "You made them face situations and choices that most everyone else would have just avoided. You never cared about doctors' oaths and codes of ethics because you know that most people just mouth them and never really think what all those words mean. Or even if they do think, they choose to follow them blindly so that they don't need to take responsibility for their actions. Just following orders. But that has never been enough for you and you didn't let it be enough for your team either. You forced them to face the situations where you have to decide what you can live with and what you can't."

"Really?" House sounded sceptical. "So Taub really is a better father because of me? Come on!"

"Yes he is," Nyx wasn't deterred. "You made him face fatherhood and what it truly means so that when his daughters come to him at the age of twelve, and tell him that they have figured out that he can't be their biological Dad, he will be able to look them straight in the eyes and say: 'so what? I'm still not letting you date boys before you're thirty'. And that will be thanks to you."

"That remains to be seen," House muttered.

"And you may even see it," Nyx laughed. "Just admit it. You forced them to figure out who they were and what they could be. True, none of the others faced a situation as spectacular as Chase, but they all went through a crucible of some kind and they all came through in their own way and became better. All of your 'little ducklings' will be swans thanks to you."

"Not bad for a swan song," House said. "Were that true, that is. I still don't think people change and what change they may now perceive in themselves will not last that long. Dying may change everything, but only for the one who dies. The rest revert to normal sooner or later."

"Only those who were close to the death due to proximity," Nyx argued. "Family and true friends will change. Maybe not a lot, maybe they will just open their eyes and realise that they need to enjoy life more, spend more time with loved ones, say 'I love you' more often. Or maybe just take more responsibility of their own lives and in their own lives. The change may actually be a very small one, but later, when they look back they see that though the path only diverged, it made all the difference."

They sat in silence for a time soaking in the sounds of the river and the scents of the garden.

"So if I go back," House pondered. "Do you think I will screw up all the changes that you claim I have influenced?"

"Only if they are idiots enough to let you control their lives," Nyx replied. "You have influenced them more than maybe anyone else in their lives, but it's still their lives. Not your fault if they screw up."

"They may not see it that way," House suggested.

"Then they need to grow up some more," Nyx shrugged.

"Maybe," House nodded. "Or maybe they will never know. I may not go back at all."

"The world is your oyster," Nyx said. "You really can do pretty much anything you want."

"I want to make sure Wilson has the time of his life," House stated simply. "He has never allowed himself have much fun, at least not without me forcing him. It's time. Now he has no excuses for not living the dream."

"You will both make this time count," Nyx reassured him. "Enjoy yourselves."

"That sounded final somehow?" House questioned Nyx's tone.

"It should," Nyx confirmed. "I came to say goodbye. At least for now."

"You're leaving me?" House was surprised.

"It's time for you to face light now," Nyx explained. "These need to be the halcyon days and you cannot carry Darkness with you if you are going to give Wilson what he needs. I won't be far away, you know that, but you need to face light."

"As long as I don't melt my wings," House added ruefully.

"You are a phoenix, not Icarus," Nyx reminded him. "You were reborn in a fire and now is the time to fly. And you are flying – you both are."

"I will miss you," House sighed.

"Likewise," Nyx responded. "May the sun shine warm upon your face, House."

"Until we see again," House nodded.

"Goodbye, House," Nyx smiled and faded away gently into the darkness.

"Goodbye."

_Thank you for reading, thank you for reviews. This is the last chapter for Nyx, I hope you liked her. _


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